I love him

I have realized something. I go on and on about these butterflies, his butterflies, that live inside of me. Well, I don't get them like I used to get butterflies for other guys.

Before when I liked a guy, if I saw his name, or heard his name, or heard something that reminded me of him, or saw something...Anything relating to him in any way, I would get those butterflies. But that's not how these ones work. I hear his name all the time, and it does nothing for me. I see things all the time that make me think of him, but the butterflies don't spring into motion.

But my friend texted me the other day, asking about him. And seeing his name in that text sent a wave of emotions rolling through me. I didn't understand why at first. But I do now. It's because the guy who texted me was refering to him. Not just anyone with that name. Not just anything. But my him. Sigh...I say my like he's mine. Not what I meant. I don't claim to own him. And I will not oppose someone who shares my interest. I will not be the girl who says "You can't have him, he's mine." Not gonna happen. Besides, that's just annoying and really unattractive.

But anyways. It doesn't do anything for me, to hear or see things relating to him, unless it IS him. Seeing his name in that text, in the context of it being the one I feel for made me so high on happiness and love. And then tonight, when that specific someone commented me on myspace, seeing his name there, made me go wild. I'm still smiling from that one.

And I also realize listening to him and seeing him do different things for me. When I listen to him, all my senses shut down, except for sound. I close my eyes, and see him, in those memories I have. And then, when I see him, I see nothing else. No one else.

I don't remember if I mentioned my dreams or not on here. I think I may have. But it's like my dreams. Used to, when I dreampt, I remembered every detail of the dreams. And I had a lot of dreams that weren't even about me. I could recall most words said, and every person in the dreams. Where they took place. I mean I would write stories and songs based off of dreams sometimes. But now...Well....All I could tell you about my dream is that he was in it. I remember him in the dreams, and everything around us, all of my surrounding vision is just a blur of colors. I know people are there in the dreams. But I couldn't name a single one of them. Just me and him. And in the dreams, every time we hug (Happens a lot) he sings quietly in my ear. <--- Think I may have mentioned that in a post before.

But yeah. He's like...Altering a lot of things in my life. Not me. I'm the same. But like I said at one point of another, everything looks and feels different now.

There was once I time I would never ever be lucky enough to ever get anything from anyone like him. But I did. I met him. I hugged him, he hugged me. We had a conversation. He saw my comment, and commented me back. Him...Not whats-his-face, not snazzy, not the other yet to be nicknamed gent...Just him. And the thing is....I expected that comment. I don't know why. Didn't know he was online. Just went to myspace, saw I had a comment, and as I waited for the page to load I braced myself for it, because I knew it was them. And then it was. And I was still surprised. I don't know how I knew. I mean, I knew I left them a comment, but that was hours before.

I need to see him again. And talk to him. Feel him. It's all I want, right this moment. I couldn't be any happier then I am...But, I keep saying that and getting happier still. Like last night I learned that they are FINALLY making a movie of The Hobbit!!! I have been waiting for this for YEARS! It was the first book I read to be honest. And after they made The Lord Of The Rings, which are my favorite movies and books, I have been waiting for them to make The Hobbit into a movie. Annnnd even better, my beloved favourite movie directer Peter Jackson, who did LOTR is doing The Hobbit too! God Bless that man! Haha.

I was so jazzed about that I couldn't fall alseep, cause I found out at like 3am. So yeah. My happiness continues to grow. Not all of it because of him. But he gave it to me. And he continues to add to it. So do other, smaller things. But he controls it I think. I love him. I admit it. I love him a lot. Too much. And so he can obliterate me. I'm terrified he will. I've been broken before. I know it happens. I know it's unintentional, and I know it hurts like hell. I know it's not easy to escape. And I know you never quite heal entirely. I don't want to go through that again...Not with him. And I don't know that I will.

But as you know, when I think about it...I get too skeptical. It's not just that he is 30 and I am 18...It's that he is him, and I am 18. Any typical 30 year old probably would be into younger girls anyways. But not him. Even if by some miracle he saw something in me...He wouldn't act upon it, I am sure. He's too much of a gentlemen. Too respectible to go after someone so much younger then him. Unless he really truly loved the person, I don't think he would consider it. And that sad thing is I don't even look 18. I look like I'm about 14. It's beyond pathetic. But I love him. And when I forget about all those details, and just focus on the love, and focus on him, and feeeeeel it...I am in a heaven I never knew.

It sent a thrill through me, that he said my name in the comment. That's weird, isn't it? Ah well. I am strange, this we know. I need to see him. I have to. Nothing can stop me. I don't care if I don't have a ride or cash, I will walk. I'm not kidding. I have to see him. If I see him again, and this all fades, then I'll know it wasn't real. And if I see him, and it only gets stronger, I'll know it's real. I won't try to fight it anymore. I'll love him, and maybe, just maybe, one day, he could love me too. Maybe.

"You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing. I need to find you. I gotta find you." - Gotta Find You by Joe Jonas

La-la-la-lovin life. :)

-Brianna

Cravings

I love being happy.

I was thinking the other day, about that. Wondering if I loved him, or if I loved the happiness. Which was really sort of stupid. I wouldn't be happy if not for him. Every time I try thinking about it, and my skeptisism kicks in, I start looking for different answers. I don't know why. All reason points back to him. There is absolutely no way I can deny it when I see him. It's impossible to think about in those moments. My feelings take over and block out everything else. I don't know why I continue to question it. I think it's fear. I think I am trying to find a way out, a hidden passage that will lead away from it all when the happiness turns on me. But it won't turn on me. I don't think it will. Even if it's like a thirst that is never quenched, I will always retain this happiness. At least I...feel so.

Thinking is a bitter sweet thing. Sometimes it's best not to think. But other times logic is the best tool a person can posess (<--- Think I spelt that wrong, hah.) I suppose it's only the matters of the heart in which your mind knows absolutely nothing. I don't know if there is any right and wrong when it comes to loving. There's no such thing as too much love. But maybe too little.

Ahh hm...

I don't know what else to talk about. This is going to be a short post! Yay! I need to go to sleep soon anyways. Woke up earlier then I am used to today, so I'm needing some quality time with my pillow. Hah that sounds really odd. Oh well.

"She said "I know he's your best friend, but you're the one I wanted." Then she reached for my hand and I started to lose control. We both care about him, so how could we so careless? It's a no win situation. Either way we're going to lose. It's a no win situation, falling in love with you." - No Win Situation by Honor Society.

Hm, yeah I'm also stressing over being able to see them again. If my sister takes me to see a certain someone in Nashville in January, (Whoa, certain someone just tweeted hah.) But yeah if she takes me then there is NO way she will take me to see them later on in January/February unless they come here. And they won't. It will be Nashville, Atlanta, Maybe Charlotte, Birmingham...All 3-4 hours away. She won't do it. My mom can't. My dad never would, except maybe for Nashville. I don't know if anyone else will be going or not. Maybe if any of my friends go to see them when they come around here we could go together, but that's still a long shot. Most won't be on weekends, and none of my friends go on weekdays. I know it won't kill me to go without seeing him, but my heart is yearning for him. Constantly. Just to see his contradicting eyes face to face, and hear his laugh first hand. To feel his arms around me. To smell him. Just to have a conversation, simple and sweet. It's rather strong, craving him.

Ohhhh this is unimportant. Got a bestie break down going on. Byeeeee!

-Brianna

Changing Pictures

I still do not have HBP on DVD. This is extremely upsetting. I went shopping today, but the places I went didn't have it. :/ Annnnd I barely got any shopping done. But I did buy my brother a book he's been wanting, so, that's something at least. I just finished another homemade gift for one of my friends too, dunno which one yet. Still need to hit up more stores to get more stuff. I've been doing good, making one each night. So I'll have them all done by the time it's Christmas. I may be giving them to friends before, or after Christmas though, depending on when I get to see them. Everyone is just so busy these days. I'm even busy, to some degree, which is clearly saying something. Hah. And then the others, well I won't be seeing them for at least a month, so I have plenty of time to perfect them. :)

Oh and it's only a little after 2am tonight! Usually I don't do the blogging thing till like 3:30am. I'm getting better! Slowly...Keep waking up early, running low on sleep, so I'm gradually falling back earlier, which I've been trying to do.

Okay, I'm hungry...Snack time, be right back!

So it came down to a hot pocket or a peice of chocolate cake. Miraculously I went with the hot pocket. Haha.

Anyways, I don't like when people are narrowminded. Maybe my problem is that I am too open minded, but really, I think it's better that way, or, at least a good balance between the two. It irritates me when people can't see things a certain way because they aren't letting themselves be open to the possibility at all. And it doesn't just bother me because most the time I'm on the end of which they can't see, but it bothers me that they miss out on so much. They watch the world through half-lidded eyes, and if they just opened them up all the way, and just let themselves believe the possibilities of anything, life would be more fun, less stressful. But some people can't be swayed. I won't try to sway them. I don't even express these views to them. I don't know if I have it in me to call someone out on the way they live just because I don't agree with it. I mean, on that level anyways, it's not hurting anyone. It's not like someone doing drugs...That I would voice my opinion on openly and proudly. I'd tell em straight up how stupid they are. But honestly, I don't like to judge people. I don't know what goes through their mind. I've been the object of peoples judgements all my life. It bothered me when I was younger, until I learned not to let it get to me. When I was proud of who I was, I would even get some satisfaction out of seeing people look at me and immediatly forming an opinion on me because of how I was dressed or what I would say, or the fact that I talk so loud, and my annoying laugh radiates a mile wide. It doesn't bother me much these days. I just wish people weren't so incredibly narrowminded.

I've always been different. The outcast in the crowd. It was only these past few years of my life I started fitting in somewhere, to an extent. Being a part of big exciting things and not being alone. Having true friends who were friends to my face and behind my back. Having people who weren't obligated by a blood bond to care about me. I treasure it more then anything really. Even some friends I have who are narrowminded, I still love them. Wouldn't dare trade them for anything.

Hm...I think I got off topic. Hah, what was my topic again? My annoyance with the narrowminded folk, right. Well, yeah you got the point.

Today I took a look at some things in my life, not fully realizing the things that I wasn't happy about. I've been so absorbed in my illogical joy that I didn't stop to look, with my bright new eyes, to see what was wrong. I have two very very good friends, who I haven't spoken to in months. Haven't seen them in even longer. I don't have a clue what's going on in their lives. I mean they could have dropped out of school, or moved over seas, or gotten engaged and I wouldn't know it. I don't know if this is my fault, or theirs, or a combo deal. But I don't like it. I mean, I've been friends with them for six years! That's a long time! So why now should we be getting so distant? I have so many memories with those two. So many good ones, and a ton of bad ones. They are the only two friends I have from before the turning point. Back when all my other friends were partying, and getting knocked up, and smoking all sorts of killer drugs, I only had two friends who didn't go down that path and leave me all alone. It was just us, pulling through sanely, away from those wrecked middle school years, and the begining of high school. We made it out, without having changed into someone else. But now I feel like I barely know them. I'm really not happy about this. It's a big black smudge on my pretty bright window.

I know friends grow apart. I know it happens. It's the way of life. But I was so sure I'd always have them. Always, without a doubt. Now I don't know. I'm not so sure anymore. And this distancing, which is only growing rapidly in the wrong direction, is making me scared. I haven't lost them yet. I know if I called them up in the middle of a break down, they would be there for me. I know that. And they know I would do the same. The depth of friendship has not changed. Never can I'm sure. But the nature of it has. And is.

And so it makes me afraid of losing others I have gained more recently. I mean, I love ALL of my friends. And sometimes there are some things you can only do, or talk about with a certain friend. I have that with all of my friends, certain sides of me that only are open infront of them, while not infront of others. Sometimes it's easier to joke with one friend, and easier to get emotional with another. But I can be myself in my entirety with my Bestie. And I'm not saying we have a perfect friendship. Me and her have gotten into fights before, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. Was very emotional. Me and her are so alike, and so different. And we agree to disagree, because sometimes we think in exactly the same way, and get the same conclusions. And other times we think the same but come up with different conclusions. And then there are times we don't think alike at all but still get the same conclusion, or think nothing alike and get different conclusions. It could go any way with us. But when I'm in my deepest darkest places, she takes care of me. And when I'm beyond happy, she shares in my joy. And I can trust her with anything. Things I haven't told anyone before, things from a long time ago, or recent things, doesn't matter, she knows them all, and she doesn't judge or condem me for anything. She always gives me good advice, even if I'm too stuborn to listen to it, it's always good. And our friendship is really strong, though we barely see each other or hang out due to lack of time.

She's been my Best friend for almost two years now....And I can't stand to think that in a few years me and her would grow apart, like I am now with friends I've known for the better half of my life. I never thought that would happen, and yet it is. I really don't think it would happen anytime with this Best friend, because we've gone through a lot together, and still are. We're still on a journey that will never really end. And even though my original goal in the journey failed, I never veered off course. Even though my purpose of the journey may be changing, I'm still on it. Because she is on it. She's got her course set, and it's not changing. We both know where she's going on this road, and I will not abandon her to travel it alone. And once she reaches her destination, I will still be on the journey with her, because her journey will be the same, just a little different. I am so certain me and her will never grow apart. How could we? When she's going to get where she's going, and though the picture now looks different to me, it will still be one big happy family, full of friends and smiles. I'll be in the picture, I was always in the picture, I just didn't always have a smile. And I thought, when I knew who would be standing next to us in that picture, the new addition, I thought it would kill me. I thought I had left the picture, that she took my place. But I'm still in there, with my best friend, and her best man, and his best men, and their girls, my friends...And me. Maybe, just maybe I won't be an extra wheel in that picture. Perhaps I will have a best man too, at my side, all smiles. Like it's supposed to be.

If the picture turns out how it's supposed to, then we won't grow apart. We're already part of a family that's just not complete, not ready for the picture to be taken because not everyone is ready for the flash. :)

Ah ha don't we love how Brianna can go from one topic to the other like that! And go from one emotion to the next like that! Haha, yeah well...It's whatever. :)

Think I'm going to go work on Besties Birthday present until I'm tired enough to sleep. I am determined to finish it in time for her party because she will absolutely looooove it! I haven't even started her gift for Christmas yet, which comes before the party. Haha. Ah well.

(Side thought: I see it. Not as clearly as I feel it, but I can still see it. Which is weird. I like feeling it more then trying to see it though. I'm afraid of jinxing things. Hah!)

Goodnight bloggers.

"There is a time for everyone, where they decide who they'll become. The leap of faith where fights are won. I know I'm not the only one. It's a long way up. But I won't stop. I'll sing for the broken hearted. I'll sing for the dreams that won't come true. And the music won't stop playing. Tonight I sing for you. I'll dream about the place we started. Hold on to the past I can't undo. But the music Kept on playing. Now tonight we sing for you." - Sing For You by Honor Society

<3

-Brianna

Afraid of Friends?

So today...Oh, well it's 3 am again, so technically speaking yesterday Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince came out on dvd and...I didn't go buy it. :
I am very unhappy about this little turn of events. I always, always, always, without fail buy things like that the day they come out. Books, cds, movies...Whatever it is, if I'm a big enough fan, I simply must do it that day...And here, I have failed my Harry Potter fanness (<---Not a word.) So yeah, very lame. I'll probably buy it tomorrow...Gah, I can't even afford to buy it! Oh this sucks. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

In other news: I completed another homemade gift. Have not a clue who this one goes to, it seems everyone I make looks like it should go to Whats-His-Face. But I think I may have messed this one up, so I don't even know. I also realize that I am running out of the stuff I need to make these things, and the ones I'm making for my Bestie and other friends I don't have the right kind for, so I need to buy more of it, and it's not exactly cheap. I mean, it is cheap, but when you have to buy a ton of the stuff it ends up being a more expensive gift then you planned for it to be. Haha. And I'm broke! Ahhh! I. NEED. A. JOB!

I ate more chips tonight. Super shame on me. :/

It's been raining, it's a peaceful sound, but there are 7 cats (3 adult, 4 kittens.) outside my house (They are my neighbors, but he doesn't take care of them, so really they are mine...My dad would kill me if I brought them inside though. I already got 3 in the house!) And they are getting poured on...I made a small sort of shelter against my house so they could escape the rain and wind, but I don't know how much it helped. Though they were all curled up in a mega tight ball last I checked...Well, only 6 of them were...I haven't seen Coke tonight, but he's out there somewhere I'm sure...

We got all the lights up on the Christmas tree. I totally made my mom listen to Honor Society and Jonas Brothers the whole time. Usually we listen to old old Christmas songs, but I was telling her about HS covering White Christmas, and she wanted to listen to it, then she asked me if anyone sang lead other then Michael, so I put on Rock With You so she could hear Jason, and then we went through the whole cd, and went on to Jonas after that. It was fun. Tomorrow we'll put the rest of the crap on the tree, like the garland and ornaments, which is really my favorite part.

Also, Christmas cookies! We're going to make our Christmas cookies soon! It's tradition, for us, to make a ton of different kinds every Christmas. I don't remember the names of some of them, but they are soooo good. And we do it homemade too. If we make a lot, I'll probably send some to friends or something. Maybe then my creative gifts won't suck so much. Haha. :P

So I decided that after I get my announcement, and have everything figured out about it, I'm going to quit cold turkey! Okay, that's a stretch. I'm not quiting entirely. I can't turn off these constant feelings, but the thoughts, the reminders...Those I can easily direct away from me. At least I think I can. I haven't really tried to not think about something that doesn't cause me pain, but I think I can handle it. I just have to get out of some newly created routines, simple really. And I already have the thoughts under good control. Without reminders should be perfectly easy. I'm going to go all cold turkey for as long as I can. Maybe until I see him. Now I know when I'm on my way to see him I'll be thinking about it, that will be inevitable, but it will be a while, more then a month I'm betting, before I see him again. So to feel him, almost brand new like that...To break the surface and breathe after being under for sooo long will probably be like the best feeling in the world. I know Bestie did it for a few days, or weeks, something like that, and it was wonderful for her...So I know I'll be experiencing something like that, maybe more direct for the face to face thing, but the power of it is the same...Well, no, not the same. But close. Hers has to be stronger though.

I realize that I have several friends who want to see them too, whenever. Which means I may not be going alone like last time. And I never really liked going alone before, until now. Having them all to myself was blissful. But to go with friends, would still be fun, more fun for the begining portion I bet...But after...I don't know. I might have less time with him. I'd have to share. I don't want to share. And not just that but I think some others may not understand...I don't even understand, but they will probably think I'm being stupid and poke fun at me, making me feel stupid, which will cause me to act abnormally around him. I do know I have one friend whom I would not have that problem with...She understands everything, even when I don't, she gets it. Always has, always will. I wouldn't be worried about going with her, not one bit. But others...I love them, I love all my friends, but sometimes some of them don't get you on that level you need them to, and when you try opening up and then getting it thrown in your face, just isn't fun.

I've had experiences before, where I liked someone, and couldn't be myself around them because I had friends there, snickering and embaressing me....I didn't have to try to be myself with Him...But I was alone then. If I had friends rolling their eyes and laughing, I wouldn't be able to feel that freedom of being me, and not being nervous. I'd be more nervous around him with some people there, which is completely stupid. I know. Most people like to have their friends there supporting them on emotional matters....But this is different. I trust my best friend enough to know she wouldn't make me feel more awkward...She wouldn't make fun of me, at least not in a way that would hurt me, or embaress me. But others would, I don't think they would be trying to hurt me, or make me feel awkward, but that would be the outcome none the less. Gah, why am I so complicated? Sigh.

I hadn't thought about this beforehand, till today when it was mentioned, and then I realized friends may be going with me, or me with them, or not going together, but going to be there together...Shouldn't bother me. It makes me more worried. I'm not worried to see Him again. The thought doesn't freak me out, not like when I liked guys in my class back in school and I felt nervous just to see them sit two rows away from me and not make eye contact, lol. I'm anxious, but I'm not afraid. I have butterflies, but not the scared kind. As much as this doesn't make sense to me, it's starting to, more and more, in odd ways. Suppose it's bound to work like that, I am one big contradiction afterall. :P

Anyways, I'll just keep letting this thoughts out while I wait for my announcement. Then it's quiting time! Until I see him....Sigh. I truly can not wait (Metaphorically. I really have to wait, duh. Hah.)

Love this song so very much --->

"Please wait while I slowly untie my tongue, tonight. I pray by some feeble atempt my words will tell you what my heart has to say. Cause you've always been right beside me for so many days, how could I be without you now? Cause I am changed by you, the more I get to know you, the more I want you close to me. And I'll take care of you. Please just say you'll let me, forever be whatever you need. And so if you're supposed to get what you deserve in life, then you came just in the nick of time. Gods grace has over taken me. My love, needless to say I am blessed by you, Cause you are the one, the one I've been waiting for. I've been waiting for." - Changed By You by Between The Trees

-Brianna

Random Thoughts

The problem with eating chips is that you have no power to stop, even if you aren't hungry, your hand will continue to venture into the crinkly bag and pull out some crunchy chips to shove into you mouth. It's inevitable.

And I love when I'm listening to this soft quiet mellow song that is purely instrumental, on my playlist, and then it jumps to this loud rocking song with an imediate sick beat and hyped up guitar then someone going "Woo!" Haha. It always startles me when that happens, but I love love love this song. (Rock With You by Honor Society)

So I realize that I have done okay with not mentioning someone (Well, not really okay, I only went two blog post, not something to celebrate over) But I have mentioned him, in some form of context on twitter and facebook, and my mother said something about him, so we talked about it for several minutes. Over all, I'm not doing good with that yet. I don't need to think about him, I don't a lot actually, which surprises even me. But I like to think about him. I remember before, in my "dark days" when I tried so so hard not to think about things that would trigger my emotions in any way...I would run from my thoughts, shy away from them, cowering in the corner, always so desperate to distract myself....It's nice, not running from my thoughts. I like that I have pleasant thoughts, and the fact that he isn't consuming all of my brain power even when I do think about him. I can multi-task my thoughts with him. Think about a ton of things at once....Well, maybe not a ton of things, my mind aint that big...But a few things. Hah.

I dreamed about him last night...It sort of reminded me of that first time I dreamed of him, months ago, before I even cared about him. I don't know what my simple joy with hugs is really. But it's always the hugs for me. Haha. In my dream he kept hugging me, and singing quietly in my ear each time. It was so vivid. Only the parts with him were vivid, I don't remember much else. I don't even know who else was in the dream, though there were a lot of people. Oh well, unimportant. Just a VERY good dream. Makes me want him more. Sigh.

I wonder if I really buckled down on the whole "Not thinking about him thing" and took away all reminders, like my music I fall alseep to everynight...I can easily change it out with something else...I can change my desktop backround, my ringtone, I can not visit twitter so often....If I did all that, I wonder how good it would feel, when I was freshly brought back to it. I haven't gone a full day without some kind of inclination toward him since he became the object of my affection. And I know from genius besties personal experience that it's wonderful. I think I'm going to try it, for real try it. Maybe not this week though, since I need to keep my eyes open for an announcement that will let me know when I get to see him, in person, again. After that though, I'm going to do it. Just for the heck of it. See if I can first off, and then feel the even-better bliss my bestie was going on about. Ohh...But what if I keep dreaming about him? I don't know how to turn those off, lol...Ah well, maybe without sleeping to that sound I wouldn't dream about him anyways. Though, I used to dream about someone else every night that I dreamed, which was just about every night...Hm...Well, I'll see how it goes. I'm guessing the announcement I'm waiting for will occur within the week, so once I got that settled then I'm going to hold off on him.
Ohhhhh maybe, if I can, I could block him out, all the way, until I see him face to face again. Wow. The thought of that kind of joy is just, wow. Haha. I don't know if I can do it, but maybe I'll try...Then it would be like the first time all over again! Oh, how lovely.

Note: Bag of chips was about 1/4 full when I started this blog....Now there's barely any whole chips left, and a ton of little broken ones. Chips are a curse. :P

And now I have a strong desire to watch Lord of the Rings, but, it's 3am, and it's a 3 hours movie = Not going to happen tonight. Perhaps tomorrow I'll watch it, if I have time. :) <--- I like the way this smiley looks. When I do smileys like that on twitter or facebook they don't look as happy. Hah, I'm so freaking weird!

Oooooo!!! "I hope this doesn't make you cry, but I don't wanna make you mine! I've told you for the millionth time that I don't need you in my life!" - Don't Tell Anyone by Nicholas Jonas. Hah, forget I had the old old stuff on this playlist. :D <-- see! Just so happy!

Also, I finished another one of the things I was making! And it actually doesn't suck! Ahh I'm excited! Now, this one might go to Whats-His-Face, or to Him. Hm...I need a better term for him then just Him on here, though I don't want to use names. Of course the one person who reads my blog knows so I don't see why it matters, but I don't feel like shouting it to the world at the moment. Ah well I don't know. I'll come up with his official name for my blog later. As of right now he is just Him. Ohhh and another one of the people whom I don't want to name, that I met just once (Who by the way he smells soooo good) Well, he's going to be refered to as Snazzy! Because this friend of mine applied that term to him and it fit really well, and made me laugh so from now on the oxymoron guy is known as Snazzy! (Yeah, his last name is an oxymoron, another thing that friend pointed out to me!) Hm...Might as well find a term for everyone else now while I'm at it, and bored to death. Okay we have Him, Whats-His-Face, Snazzy, and the fourth will beee...Okay I used to be good at code names but I'm epic failing now. I'll think of one for Him, and the other later...Also for my first love, and those other two...Need ones for them. Sigh I talk about these people a lot. Lol.

Ohhh "Dear God, people take your words and try to twist them round. I know you can't be happy with what's going down. I'm searching for some answers, but they can't be found, can you help me out? Dear God!" - Dear God by Nicholas Jonas. More old stuff. I am lovin it! :] <--- Happy happy!


I realize that I have to get to Nashville on January 4th, and haven't a way to get there. Probably going to bribe my sister to take me, but if it turns out I have other places to go in January/February too (Still waiting on that announcement) then I won't have a ride to some of them, because there is no way my sister will take me out of state more then once in one month, no matter what the bribe is. This is not good, because I'm already obligated for Nashville. Spent the $50 and all...and I HAVE to see Him when oppurtunity shows itself....Oh this is going to be a hectic, wonderful, but hectic start to the New Year. Haha. I don't know what I'm going to do. This is my selfishness speaking by the way, in case you didn't notice. I'm only thinking of myself, gah. I don't want to say I can't help it, because that's just stupid. Being selfish is a choice, not something that just happens. At least I know I am though. First step is admitting you have a problem. Haha! Siiigh.

I know what I'm doing for Besties birthday! It's going to take me a while so I'm glad she's planning this thing for the end of January, but if I get it done she will indeed love it, of that I am sure. My Christmas gift may suck since I lack in the creative skill I need, but the other thing, well, that's a whole other story. Ha ha ha! ;P

"So the bar tender who tends to pretend that he's concerned says 'girlie girlie you're at your best when you're sober' and she slurs 'no no, just one more!' and one turns into four. The fourth drink instinct is taking over and the gentlemen is leading her towards the door. So what made you think that he couldn't find the door in the morning? When he found that bed so easily in the dark! And what made you think that he couldn't find the door in the morning? When he found that bed so easily in the dark. She thought that she could buy happiness by, by the bottle. " - Fourth Drink Instinct by Cute Is What We Aim For

-Brianna

Being Selfish...

I didn't really realize that the orange juice carton in the fridge was the original kind. You know, like where you push it back then pull it open? I thought it was like my carton of fruit punch, which just has a cap on the side. Needless to say, when I took the orange juice out of the fridge and shook it, juice came flying up into my face. I felt really stupid. Haha.

Also, we finally got out Christmas tree today! We decided to put it infront of the living room window this year, instead of in the middle of the wall like we typically do. It makes the room seem smaller cause it takes up a lot of space, but I like it. We start the decorating process tomorrow. And speaking of decorating, as always, my dad has outdone himself on the lights outside. Anyone who knows me probably has seen what my dad does. It's crazy. But gets better every year. I should take a picture and post it or somethying. It's really worth seeing. :)

Wow. So I'm watching the tv guide channel because nothing is on. And one of the listings said "Hollys World" and then right after that there was one that said "Holmes on homes" Lol. made me think of my besssstie! Oh and now Demi Lovato is on the screen. Hah...Anyways...

Hm...Well, I really feel lame. I have no idea what to talk about. My mind seems to be blank at the moment. Not that that's a bad thing. Usually my mind is a rush of thoughts I try to run from. Empty thoughts are kind of nice. But I do have a headache...That I don't like so much.

Well I finished one of the things I was making last night. Took me forever. And I don't even know if I'll use that one, since the ones I'll make after will hopefully be better. At the moment it's remaining a tester. But if I do use it, I know who it'll go to. Whats-his-face. (His official referance on my blog, lol.) My one-time-met-best-friend-who-won't-remember-me. Yeah, he gets the crappy trial and error gift. Haha. No, I probably won't use it anyways. It sucks. Which makes me think all my gifts are going to suck, and I pride myself on my gift giving. I love the people in my life so much, so I try and make my gifts something they will really like, to show my thanks and appreciation for them. I hope I don't fail at that this year.

Hm, it's almost been a year since I first met one of my best guy friends. And it has almost been two years since I first met my genius best friend (That's her official reference on my blog now...Genius bestie! Lol!) Feels like so so so much longer to be honest. But I must say, these past two years have been the most memorable so far...Not just because of her, but everything I went through, with her there, helping me through it the whole time.

And right this moment I am watching reruns of The Nanny and listening to See U In The Dark...And I just realized that my playlist on the computer is missing at least 50 bands I like. I gots to remember to go download that stuff. I mean, really, I'm missing all my Secondhand Serenade and he is one of my favs! Sheesh. I have all this crap on my dads computer, just not on mine...Which I hate with a passion by the way. But that is unimportant.

Soooo, since I was unable to make it to the places I needed to go the other day, it seems tomorrow will be my job hunting adventure! Yay! I'm not looking forward to working, but I need money unbelievably bad. Seeing as how I owe my dad a ton of money for my phone bill he's been paying since April. And of course money for Christmas shopping...I'm bout out of cash now. And then the fact that one of my friends already secured me a ticket to go see someone special in concert in January...I got to pay her back 50 bucks for that whenever she, or her mom I guess, needs it. And then other special things I'll be needing money for in the near future.

Gah, I feel so unbelievably selfish right now. I keep thinking about how "I want this..." and "I need money for this..." and blah blah blah...Etc. I'm usually not so self centered, honest. It's just this happiness. While at times I'm feeling even more selfless, I know I'm being very selfish. I'm selfish for wanting to sustain my happiness. Keep it intact, and strong and whole. I don't want to lose it and so I would go to extremes to keep it. And not even think about the more, much much much more important things in life...Like starving children and homeless people, and uncurable diseases! That is what I should be striving to help. What I should be putting money to...Not things for myself. Ugh...Someone should slaaaaap me silly. Really.

Ohh headache is getting much worse. I should sleep soon. You know, I think I could do well if I lived in L.A....I'm already on a normal sleeping schedual for that time zone. I can't seem to keep up with my own for a long period of time. Sigh. How lame am I? Lol.

Another realization to hit me...I'm happy. And I know my lifelong excuse for not writing on a daily basis to my bestie is that I don't like writing when I'm depressed. That it's no good then, and I'm never inspired. And I don't have that excuse right now. I'm always happy, cheerful, chipper, giddy, you name it, I'm it. Soooo I will very much soon be writing. I don't exactly know what at the moment. I might take a trip back to my old old stories, or just continue my recent ones. Or I may start a new one...I'm not sure. But soon, very soon, I shall have something written.

"The way we're living makes no sense. Take me back to the age of innocence. I want to go back then, take me back to the age of innocence. When pharmacueticals where there to make life beautiful. When the way that we were born was more then suitable. When everybody thought that they could make a difference. And you couldn't get your pics within an instant." - Hollywood by Cute Is What We Aim For

<3

-Brianna

Harry Potter Will Never Die

Today I'm blogging about one of my favorite things in this whole wide world. Harry Potter. I could even go as far to say that I almost love Harry Potter more then everything else combined...Almost. Haha.

Today I got to see the first trailer, sort of, for Part 1 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and boy did a rush of memories just flood through me. I'm so excited for the movie to come out. But it totally brings me down. Number one reason of that is: I can't stand for good things to come to an end.

I already suffered, and am still suffering the end of those books. Now I just have to relive it to a less severe degree through the movies. I mean, I'm never satisfied with the movies, but this is ALL I have left to hold onto in the Harry Potter world, that's new! The thought of having nothing Harry Potter related to look forward to is sooooo just...Not right.

Harry Potter was, without a doubt, my first love. My best friend. My helping hand. My shoulder to cry on. It was everything to me, silly as that might sound. Sure, it's a fictional world. Just a book. It's not real. But it would take more then those pessimistic words to make me agree to it. Because Harry James Potter is every bit as real as you and me. In some form. I know for one he will always be a part of me. And I am just one of millions...Of billions of devoted Potterheads.

J.K. Rowling is a hero to me. Harry Potter was the begining of my turning point. That's what kept me sane, and happy, it's what kept me from being the girl who went to parties and got drunk at a too young age like all the others in my class. I was so absorbed in the world that was so much more then my own that I prefered sitting at home in my bed, curled up with my blanket and something to drink on the nightstand with my book in my hands. More then half the time I fell asleep with the book still open under my face...I did not want to put it down.

I have never met another Harry Potter fan who has read those books as many times as I have. (Over 100 times each.) I'm not saying I'm the best or biggest fan...Just one of the most absorbed perhaps. It's like when you have a bad day, and you just want to go to someone and vent, and feel the relief of letting it out and having someone say "It's okay, I understand" Well...That was Harry for me. I jumped into those books because I had nothing else. I had family, and friends, but some emotions can't be put into words. Some things you don't feel comfortable talking about to anyone! Harry Potter was my release. Unlike most the teens I know, who turned to drugs and alcohal and sex...I turned to books. To the unknown worlds that didn't exist in mine.

I remember the first time I read Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone, I was in middle school, in detention I think...And we were supposed to be reading. I didn't have a book with me so grabbed one of the shelf. It was Harry Potter. And I read it in about two weeks. So then I read the second one...I only read them during school time. But after the second I NEEDED the third, and it took off from there. I started reading them in my free time, and wizzed through them in days...In just hours. I never knew I was a fast reader before, I never knew I liked to read before Harry Potter. I never would have liked writing if I had never picked up that book that day.

It's always my favorite place to be...In the wizarding world. And though my books came to an end...I still had it. The movies (though nowhere near as good or exciting) were still coming out. J.K. Rowling came out with The Tales Of Beedle The Bard...That was something. And then I found Wizard Rock. There are hundreds of bands that play wizard rock, more comonly known as Wrock music. It's alllll about Harry Potter really, and I simple love it. It was one of my best distractions and outlets during my dark days to be honest. I even wrote some of my own wrock songs. So, really, the books will always be on someones shelf, somewhere. And the movies will always be in someones dvd player, sometime. And the music will still be listened to in someones headphones somedays.

Just because the books came to an end, and the movies are soon going to be done, and wizard rockers may eventually stop writing their songs, that does not mean Harry Potter is over. Harry Potter will never die. It will never end.

It's just like Lord of the Rings, I mean those books came out years and years and yearssss ago. Decades ago! And people still read them, still love them. They go through each generation really. And so will Harry.

Harry Potter lives, through the books, the movies, the songs, and in all of the hearts of all of the fans. He is real, as far as my eyes can see. And I will always cherish everything I got out of the world.

I know Twilight fans and HP fans sort of battle it out over which is better, but really, how stupid is that? This one smart dude said something like "It's not fair to compare the two series, when they aren't going after the same things. They aren't trying for the same goals as books, and so you can not say one is better then the other." I agree with that completely. I mean, I love Twilight, but honestly I DO think Harry Potter is better, but it's an opinion, and I have good reasoning for that opinion.

If you took a Twilight fan, and took an HP fan, and asked them to tell you what they got out of the book, I bet you anything the HP fan would have alot more meaningful things to say then the Twilight fan. Because Twilight, though a good story, doesn't have any morals, or messages really. At least, I don't see any. But Harry teaches you about the power of love, and strength of friendship, and the difference between right and wrong, and sacrafice, and bravery, good vs evil...There is so much. The books helped shape who I am today. But I got nothing out of Twilight, other then a good read for a fantasy love story. That's it.

But anyways, I just wanted to talk about that. Harry Potter is one of the subjects that, when you get me started on it, you WILL have to stop me, because I will go on, and on, and on, until I am forced to stop. I love it so much. It's one of the best things in my world. Books...Oh how I love books.

On another note: Those creative gifts I'm trying to make for all my beloved friends is becoming a freaking pain in the butt! I know I said that in my last blog, but sheeeeesh! I thought I would be better at this, but, I was a freshman the last time I tried, so, four years later I guess it does me no good. So, dear friends, if my gifts to you suck, I'm sorry! Lol. I'm trying! :P

Haha I just realized I say "So" a lot in these blogs. Gah, I'm such a dork. I mean, really, I write these drawn out blogs, probably full of gramatical errors, which bugs me...And it's not even like anyone reads it...Well, I know one person, maybe two...But I'm lame. But writing these feelings out is a good release. Kind of funny, how I start releasing my bottled up feelings when my feelings are good. I should have been more releasing when they were bad! Would have helped loads I bet! Ahhh siiigh. Haha.

"His breath gets short and his chest gets tight. But he's sixteen and he's driving too fast. Takes a turn to the left, it would be his last. Nobody knows what happens if he turns to the right. Nobody in the car would have died that night!" - Wasted by Cartel

:)

-Brianna