Definition of pathetic: Me.

I should be happy right now. It is after midnight, which means it is the 22nd, which means it is one month today since I met him. (Seems SO much longer)

That should be something to make me feel giddy and want to dance.

So why am I crying?

I am so pathetic. All I ever do is talk about how pathetic I am! Which just adds to my patheticicity! I have no way to get things out anymore. Good or bad. I talk about how happy I am, and people just get annoyed with me and call me obsessed. I talk about how depressed I am and people just get annoyed with me and call me emo. Can I never win?

This is it then. How it will always be.

Just me, all alone. Always sitting here, crying to myself. With no one to talk to and nothing to do. Just reading and watching the same things over and over for some small temporary peace of mind.

I never see my friends. Why? Because they have lives. They do stuff. They go to school, go to work, go to church, hang out with their other friends, go out to eat, go to the movies, whatever! They have lives.

I just sit here, cooped up in my house, never doing anything important. When I'm depressed, I try to distract myself, I can't face it. When I'm happy, I embrace it. But still, I have nothing to do. EVER. No one ever invites me to do things. And whenever I make plans to do things, people ALWAYS cancel and bail on me. No matter what, story of my life.

I just want to get out of here. I want to get out and far far away. I want to be happy, always. I want to do stuff. Something, anything! But what is there to do when you don't have a license, or a car, and aren't finished with school, and can't get a job to save your life?

Definition of pathetic. Me.

Doesn't matter if I am happy because I'm so delusionally "obsessed" or whatever people are saying about me now. It was nice, to be happy, after so many months of depression. I was content. And though the deluded happiness is not fading, the depression is returning. Both are trying to coexist inside of me.

I may just explode.

The only things I can rely on are fictional people and worlds, or people who barely know I exst and are too far away too hurt me.

I am not pleased by this. Sure, I'll feel better tomorrow. But really, I'll just have this SAME rant in like a week, or a month, or two. It never goes away. I always feel this way. Alone. Always alone. When I expect someone to understand, or to try and help me, and something...And then it backfires I just...It takes a toll on me.

I should not be crying. I should be happy. One month ago today I found happiness. Happiness, that I am sure, will never really be satisfied. That part will catch up with me soon.

Maybe I'll just delete this blog. It's not helping me, getting all this crap out. No one cares. I don't even care. It's not like I'm talking to someone and they are giving me feedback...It's just me...All alone, and this little box I'm typing into. What a wonderful relationship that is, I must say. Hmph.

I am going to listen to my Wizard Rock, watch my Lord of the Rings, and read Harry Potter, and maybe, just maybe I will feel better. It's sad, that I usually only find peace of mind when I run away from my own world, and hide in a different world that is not my own. So pathetic.

Pathetic.