Post-Freak Out.

I had a bit of a freak out last night. I was very unprepared for it. I guess I was just so caught up in being happy, that I didn't look at it that way. It's quite plain to me that I'm in pretty deep. Too fast. But it's not like...Like last time I fell. It's much faster, yet much slower, all at the same time. It's much more simple, and yet way more complicated, all at the same time. I don't really understand, but I don't need to. Remember, I'm not supposed to try and make sense of things.

I'm not freaking right now. I'm good, my smile still intact. I did some Christmas shopping today. I've decided to be creative and make things for all my friends. So, I have to go into the making process, but I bought the stuff I need, so I'm excited. I freaking LOVE giving gifts. Honestly, it's the best thing in the world. Haha. I'm even making something for him, and the others for next time I see them. Not something grand, and not something that says "Oh hey, by the way, I might be in love with you." Just something simple, that says "Thanks for doing all that you do." And that's a good message to send off to someone you might be falling for, right? Well, either way, I'm sticking to it. I got to at least show my appreciation, even if I don't let up on this massive swirl of emotions inside of me.

I don't think I mentioned this before, because all I've been talking about is him. But there are some other guys, not as significant to me, but still, quite wonderful. Well, I realized that one of these guys feels like my best friend. I know that's odd, might even be more odd then my unexplainable feelings for the other one I've spoken of. I've only met them once, but there was just something about this one that makes me feel like, like he's my best friend...Almost brotherly even. It's weird, but I like it. I love friends so much. They're more like family to me. Even the one's I'm not so close to. But I have a small group of friends I would die for in a heartbeat, I love them so much. Friends are good...And so the feeling that I have this new friend (Though he won't see it that way) makes me, astonishingly, even happier.

My freak out last night hasn't been forgotten, but pushed to the back of my mind. I'm not thinking about it. Feeling is better. And if the fear ambushes me again, then I'll just feel it, and deal with it, and so on. I guess I was just really startled by how deep I was getting. I hadn't fully registered that, and the fear was powerful...Powerful enough to demonstrate it's capability to obliterate me. And the thought of going through that all over again...I didn't register. I wasn't afraid of falling back into darkness, right where I left off from it. I was in a dull numb stage sort of. Horrid, but bearable. But to be thrust into it from the begining, to go through all over again, freshly, maybe even differently...That is pretty scary.

But I have peace of mind when I close my eyes and see him. I love it. I don't have to think about him. I don't think about him nearly as much as I thought about...Someone else. I'm just trusting the instincts, just feeling it. And it's not distracting, just a pleasant thing going on inside of me while I go about my day. Which is really good, since I'm filling out applications to get a job. I doubt I could have gotten, let alone held, a job when I was in my dark abyss. Stupid boring lifeless zombie I was. Sheesh...Hope that never happens again.

I like this happiness, and it's where I want to be. Despite any obliterating that may come from it in the long run. I have a feeling it'll be worth it...Just as everything I went through before was worth it, and had reason.

Welll, off to go make something for him, and others. :)

Love is wonderful.

Life is good.

I am happy.

"I can feel your butterflies. If we kiss will they fly away?" - Two Rebels by Honor Society.

Siiigh. <3 MB

-Brianna