Afraid of Friends?

So today...Oh, well it's 3 am again, so technically speaking yesterday Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince came out on dvd and...I didn't go buy it. :
I am very unhappy about this little turn of events. I always, always, always, without fail buy things like that the day they come out. Books, cds, movies...Whatever it is, if I'm a big enough fan, I simply must do it that day...And here, I have failed my Harry Potter fanness (<---Not a word.) So yeah, very lame. I'll probably buy it tomorrow...Gah, I can't even afford to buy it! Oh this sucks. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

In other news: I completed another homemade gift. Have not a clue who this one goes to, it seems everyone I make looks like it should go to Whats-His-Face. But I think I may have messed this one up, so I don't even know. I also realize that I am running out of the stuff I need to make these things, and the ones I'm making for my Bestie and other friends I don't have the right kind for, so I need to buy more of it, and it's not exactly cheap. I mean, it is cheap, but when you have to buy a ton of the stuff it ends up being a more expensive gift then you planned for it to be. Haha. And I'm broke! Ahhh! I. NEED. A. JOB!

I ate more chips tonight. Super shame on me. :/

It's been raining, it's a peaceful sound, but there are 7 cats (3 adult, 4 kittens.) outside my house (They are my neighbors, but he doesn't take care of them, so really they are mine...My dad would kill me if I brought them inside though. I already got 3 in the house!) And they are getting poured on...I made a small sort of shelter against my house so they could escape the rain and wind, but I don't know how much it helped. Though they were all curled up in a mega tight ball last I checked...Well, only 6 of them were...I haven't seen Coke tonight, but he's out there somewhere I'm sure...

We got all the lights up on the Christmas tree. I totally made my mom listen to Honor Society and Jonas Brothers the whole time. Usually we listen to old old Christmas songs, but I was telling her about HS covering White Christmas, and she wanted to listen to it, then she asked me if anyone sang lead other then Michael, so I put on Rock With You so she could hear Jason, and then we went through the whole cd, and went on to Jonas after that. It was fun. Tomorrow we'll put the rest of the crap on the tree, like the garland and ornaments, which is really my favorite part.

Also, Christmas cookies! We're going to make our Christmas cookies soon! It's tradition, for us, to make a ton of different kinds every Christmas. I don't remember the names of some of them, but they are soooo good. And we do it homemade too. If we make a lot, I'll probably send some to friends or something. Maybe then my creative gifts won't suck so much. Haha. :P

So I decided that after I get my announcement, and have everything figured out about it, I'm going to quit cold turkey! Okay, that's a stretch. I'm not quiting entirely. I can't turn off these constant feelings, but the thoughts, the reminders...Those I can easily direct away from me. At least I think I can. I haven't really tried to not think about something that doesn't cause me pain, but I think I can handle it. I just have to get out of some newly created routines, simple really. And I already have the thoughts under good control. Without reminders should be perfectly easy. I'm going to go all cold turkey for as long as I can. Maybe until I see him. Now I know when I'm on my way to see him I'll be thinking about it, that will be inevitable, but it will be a while, more then a month I'm betting, before I see him again. So to feel him, almost brand new like that...To break the surface and breathe after being under for sooo long will probably be like the best feeling in the world. I know Bestie did it for a few days, or weeks, something like that, and it was wonderful for her...So I know I'll be experiencing something like that, maybe more direct for the face to face thing, but the power of it is the same...Well, no, not the same. But close. Hers has to be stronger though.

I realize that I have several friends who want to see them too, whenever. Which means I may not be going alone like last time. And I never really liked going alone before, until now. Having them all to myself was blissful. But to go with friends, would still be fun, more fun for the begining portion I bet...But after...I don't know. I might have less time with him. I'd have to share. I don't want to share. And not just that but I think some others may not understand...I don't even understand, but they will probably think I'm being stupid and poke fun at me, making me feel stupid, which will cause me to act abnormally around him. I do know I have one friend whom I would not have that problem with...She understands everything, even when I don't, she gets it. Always has, always will. I wouldn't be worried about going with her, not one bit. But others...I love them, I love all my friends, but sometimes some of them don't get you on that level you need them to, and when you try opening up and then getting it thrown in your face, just isn't fun.

I've had experiences before, where I liked someone, and couldn't be myself around them because I had friends there, snickering and embaressing me....I didn't have to try to be myself with Him...But I was alone then. If I had friends rolling their eyes and laughing, I wouldn't be able to feel that freedom of being me, and not being nervous. I'd be more nervous around him with some people there, which is completely stupid. I know. Most people like to have their friends there supporting them on emotional matters....But this is different. I trust my best friend enough to know she wouldn't make me feel more awkward...She wouldn't make fun of me, at least not in a way that would hurt me, or embaress me. But others would, I don't think they would be trying to hurt me, or make me feel awkward, but that would be the outcome none the less. Gah, why am I so complicated? Sigh.

I hadn't thought about this beforehand, till today when it was mentioned, and then I realized friends may be going with me, or me with them, or not going together, but going to be there together...Shouldn't bother me. It makes me more worried. I'm not worried to see Him again. The thought doesn't freak me out, not like when I liked guys in my class back in school and I felt nervous just to see them sit two rows away from me and not make eye contact, lol. I'm anxious, but I'm not afraid. I have butterflies, but not the scared kind. As much as this doesn't make sense to me, it's starting to, more and more, in odd ways. Suppose it's bound to work like that, I am one big contradiction afterall. :P

Anyways, I'll just keep letting this thoughts out while I wait for my announcement. Then it's quiting time! Until I see him....Sigh. I truly can not wait (Metaphorically. I really have to wait, duh. Hah.)

Love this song so very much --->

"Please wait while I slowly untie my tongue, tonight. I pray by some feeble atempt my words will tell you what my heart has to say. Cause you've always been right beside me for so many days, how could I be without you now? Cause I am changed by you, the more I get to know you, the more I want you close to me. And I'll take care of you. Please just say you'll let me, forever be whatever you need. And so if you're supposed to get what you deserve in life, then you came just in the nick of time. Gods grace has over taken me. My love, needless to say I am blessed by you, Cause you are the one, the one I've been waiting for. I've been waiting for." - Changed By You by Between The Trees

-Brianna