Changes...

So, now that I figured out everything to some degree, I don't quite know what to say in here. I mean, I ranted for two long blogs the past two nights about my confusing skeptisism...But as I decided it doesn't matter...No more reason to talk about it. What fun is there in displaying the contents of a non-existant love life, no matter how happy it makes me feel...It'll bore the world to death. Of course, the world isn't reading this...Maybe one person, possibly two. But anyways...

*currently listening to "My Everything by Push Play - Check it outtt!*

So, everything in my world looks different, feels different. This is not a bad thing. But I've always been one to shy away from change. Even good change, it just unsettles me...When things are a specific way for a long period of time, it's difficult to adjust to change. Before now...I would see it as bad, even if it's not. Because I do not like change. Simple as that.
But now...I don't know. Everything is different...I remember saying something about the shifting of my world in my last post...Well, that pretty much sums it up. My entire world shifted, so everything came into view...A different view. I like it though. It's like...Like all the colors are brighter, the shadows sharper, the sun hotter, the rain wetter...Life is all the sudden better.

...Someone I love quite a lot made a change that had me sobbing into my pillow just last month. I was worried, and scared...I don't like change. But tonight, seeing that someone take center stage and just own it...There aren't words for the way it made me feel. The change still mystifies me. I still am not exactly happy about the small change. But to see it, see him shine so brightly...I swear, that boy must be an angel. I've always secretly wondered if he's hiding wings under his shirt, no joke. I was so proud. Beyond proud. It was different, but not bad. I even teared up, I didn't cry, but I teared up. I know though, when I see him next month, see it all again, first hand, I will be even more proud, and more impressed, and probably cry. That angel has always taken care of me, even if he is unaware of that. And I will never falter in my support and love and devotion for him. Change is different...But we must always be open to new things, to the unknown. We shouldn't fear the unknown. I think he did...I think he was uncertain how the world would react...How they would take to it...But I think pretty much most of them agree with me, that it was a proud moment, and our love for that angel only grows stronger.

I never really realized how clouded ones vision was when they are depressed, left in the dark. I had no idea that I wasn't seeing. I don't really want to use this example but it's one some people will underdstand so...It's like in Breaking Dawn, when Bella opens her eyes for the first time as a Vampire...How she went on about how she never really saw Edward before. How her new sight put it in such sharp focus, she had no idea what she was missing...Well that's how this happiness feels. I didn't know it before, in my darkness, that I was blinded to a lot of things. But now, with this new happiness everything is sharper. The old things are even better, and the new things are blowing me away. I just...Can't even describe it really, but I'm sure you get the point.

The world hasn't changed. My home hasn't changed. My friends haven't changed. My books haven't changed. My music hasn't changed. My movies haven't changed. I think it's just me that's changed this time around. I mean, I'm still me...Of course, I haven't changed like that. My personality is still the same, my mind set, my soul, my face (unfortunatley, hah) is all the same. Just the way I see has changed, and what I feel has changed. Maybe even my heart has changed...Feels like it. I must say, this change is not something for me to shy away from in fear of the unknown...No, this change is something I will embrace with every fiber of my being.

I realize that when I was sad, depressed, lost...Whatever term you wanna use, when I was in that horrid place I couldn't get out on my own. I tried, endlessly, and I couldn't understand why I couldn'd find any peace of mind at all. I thought I was doing it right. I thought I was trying anyways, I prayed every night, several times a day, I just cried to God, pleaded really...And I couldn't understand anything.

Now that I'm free of that weight, of that pain...Now that I'm not drowning in it I can see! Everything is making sense (sort of) and falling into place (I hope) I couldn't really see before. I couldn't think right. I wasn't trying to my full potential...I was over doing it. I was over thinking...Now I know it's not about the thinking, it's about the feeling. Why I didn't see that before must be because all I felt was the pain. But now that I'm free of it...I can feel...Everything. I think now I can get closer to God, as I've been wanting to for a long time now. I can feel, I don't have to think. I don't have to try, I just have to let it be.

That knowledge is a greater gift then anything else I believe. I indeed have much to be thankful for. More so then I knew. I never felt so weightless before! So free! Really, there is absolutely nothing like feeling. Forget it. Don't think it. Don't try. Just feel! Let yourself feel it...Whatever it is. Feel what you need to feel, and forget everything else. It's the best feeling in the world.

So, on another note: I'm going back, watching things I'd seen before, listening to things I'd heard before...They all have new meaning now. I never got butterflies while watching those youtube videos before. I never grinned so widely with my heart thumping fiercely in my chest while listening to those songs, but now...Now it's alll different. All because of him.

I can feel it now, even through this happines, I feel as if I'm under water. And when I see him again...No, not when I see him...When I feel him again I will break through the surface to gulp down the fresh air my lungs are burning for. I indeed can not wait to breathe again. I've never been good at holding my breath. Hah.

"If you could see my soul, these walls would surely shatter. If you could see my soul, our differences won't matter." - See My Soul by Push Play (Song I mentioned in my last post)

Ahh, life is good... MB <3>
-Brianna