Think & Feel

After so many months of being drowned in an unescapable depression, this happiness I now feel seems so strange. Alien to me. I almost feel as if I've never known happiness until now, though that is indeed a stretch; I have perfectly clear happy memories that I would love to relive. I wasn't always so doom and gloom. And I'm not going to get into the reasons behind my long lived dark days. Now I am surrounded by light.

I'm happy. Unbelievable euphoric even. I'm almost completely terrified to trust this joy. I don't want to lose it. And I don't want to admit the reasons behind it to myself. I know them. Everyone else knows them. I don't need to say it. It's quite obvious when the turning point was. But to say it aloud...To think it freely, to acknowledge it would make it final; seal the deal. Make it concrete. And therefore have the power to destroy me.

People always say "You can not love that which you do not know." I never believed that. I never lived by it. Because I know it isn't true. People also always say "Everything happens for a reason" Now that one I do believe. I do live by. And at times I could see postives through my negatives. I knew the silver linings of my darkened clouds, but I never really saw true reason behind a lot of things. I just trusted that one day it would all make sense. I think I see reason now though. But to say it aloud would be the same as acknowleding my happiness...Giving it power to prove me wrong, to send me back into a dark abyss of horrid depression.

I do not fear pain. I do not fear being depressed again. I never saw any chance that I would get out of it, and now that I am...Well, it's wonderful. If I happen to fall back into it, then it's whatever. I already know it. There is no surprise, nothing to fear really. It's just dull, boring...dark, and definitely lonely. But I lived there, I know it. It's familiar, more familiar then my happiness which is really kind of pathetic. I don't fear it though. Not anymore. I do, however, fear losing what I feel now. It's only been a week and a day. But I'm already growing accustomed to it. I love it. I love being happy. And I love why...But to admit it, again, would make it harder when I lose it.

I don't quite know if any of this makes much sense really. It seems to, inside my head, but the way I think has never been normal according to the rest of this world.

I've done this before, had spurts of happiness (nothing close to this though) during my darkest of days. But then I was dying for it. I was searching endlessly for a way of escape, a distraction of any kind, a way to get away from the pain for just a short while. But I wasn't looking. I wasn't thinking about distractions or escapes, or anything. All I really wanted was to get the night over with so I could go home and get in my warm bed and sleep in. I wasn't even excited before it happened. I didn't see it coming. Not at all. I wasn't trying to feel.

Not even when I saw him...It did nothing for me. It was fun, yeah. I enjoyed myself, of course. But I wasn't anxious, or nervous. I wasn't thinking "Is this a possibility?" Notta.

And then...He walked by...And I just...Threw myself at him. Before I could even realize what I was doing he had his arms tight around me and for the first time in my life I fit in somewhere. I fit perfectly...He and I were like two puzzle peices connecting together. I haven't stopped smiling since that pure blissful moment when we hugged (legit for about ten long drawn out seconds) on November 22nd, 2009 in Atlanta Georgia, at The Loft.

I didn't think about it then. Not when I hugged him a second time, or a third. Not when he smiled and put his arm around me. Not when he stared into my eyes and whispered flirtatiously in my ear. Not when I hugged him again, or again, or again. Not in the three hour car ride home. Not when I lay in bed trying to sleep. I didn't think about it. I just felt it.

Of course when I did start to think about it, I did so skeptically. Because it does not make sense and in no possible way could even work. I mean, really...He's a rockstar, and I'm no one. He's 30, and I'm 18. He's completely beautiful (inside and outside) and I'm just...Average I guess. When I think about it, it's not right. But when I don't think, when I just feel it...It feels more right then I can ever remember anything ever feeling before. I remember his strong arms, his dark eyes, his bright smile, his soft warm gentle feel, his lovely voice. I don't have to think about it...I only feel it. That's where this happiness comes from. Why I can't stop smiling, why all my dreams since Sunday night have all centered around this one man...

Because I think (I don't want to say I do. Not yet. No, No I don't!!!) I might possibly begin to have more then "fanly" feelings for someone so wrong for me (or more like someone so right for me but someone I'm so wrong for, bah!) who I have only met once. I suppose that is all it takes though. Even my mom, my mom for crying out loud! Said she thinks I'm falling in...in...In love with him. *Cringes* I'm still being skeptical. I don't want to think I am. Or say I am. I don't want to stop and think if I am or not or will or can...But when I don't think, I feel...I just feel.

I'm not hurting over my other love, my first love, my ONLY love...Not right now. I mean, I was getting SO much better, but still hurting. I've gone through SOOO much pain over him, and wouldn't trade it for the world...But the fact that I'm not suffereing over him anymore (Well, that's not entirely true. I'm not entirely healed, but much better then I ever expected or hoped to be)...The fact that I'm not having confusing mixed up feelings for my best guy friend anymore either should sort of tell me something right there...But I am afraid to face it.

Because I'm afraid to lose it. I don't fear the pain. I fear losing the happiness...And those are two very different things.

But...If, and I'm just saying IF...If everything DOES happen for a reason, and I AM seeing some reason...I think, well...Number one: If I had never felt the way I have for my first love then I would never have met my all time best friend Hollie. And without her I would not survive. I needed her all along. So that makes sense. I had to love him to find her. And...I had to go through the pain, to be appreciative. I had to see him with her, and feel pain to realize I did want him happy all along, and that I was happy he was happy with her, no matter my own pain. I had to live through that. It's a good life lesson for anyone! And if I had never found him in the first place I would have fallen down the wrong road in life like so many of my old ex-friends. All of them pregnant by seventeen, doing drugs, drinking, living in trashy places trying to raise babies they aren't ready for. Yeah, I needed to find him so I could find my right road in life. And of course through him, and two others, I found confidence and self pride. Two things you shouldn't live without. Things you need to survive in this world. Because of them I'm proud of who I am, and so determined to follow my own dreams. I'm not too shy and withdrawn and afraid to chase what I want. I needed them for that push. And I would never have had any reason to find my best guy friend. if I hadn't been in such insane pain that night...And I clearly needed D. in my life. So, that wouldn't have happened without loving K.

All of that I already figured out. I know it was happening for those reasons. But...What if there was another reason? What if (And ONLY if) that my skeptisism is wrong, and my feelings are right. What if this other guy IS what I've truly needed all along? Well...I NEVER would have found him if not for my first love. I never would have been introduced to this, if I hadn't felt what I felt before for my first love. And maybe, just maybe all the pain, and patience and just everything I gained and learned from loving him were really the tools I was going to need to love someone else, but I had to get it all through him first? (Still speaking IF here) But maybe then it makes even more sense. Has even more reason.

Wow...Long blog. I NEED to sleep, it's 4 am! Yikes!

Well, I don't know. I think I need to see him again, without thinking, and just feel it. See how it goes from then on. If I see him again things may be more clear...And I won't have to shy away from facing this crap, and I won't have to over anyalyze and be so skeptical (Which I'm usually not. I hate over thinking things, hah.)

"How can something that's so wrong be exactly what I need? Here comes trouble again! I better act carefully!" -Here Comes Trouble - Honor Society
Sighhh... MB...

-Brianna