Promise

So it seems to me that people expect me to say different things to him then I do. Everyone thinks I pulled out the most originally annoying and lame question "Do you remember me?"
Honestly. Every single soul asks that question. And A. I'm not like the rest. And B. I don't want to be like the rest. Hah.

But asking for a specific something, and then having him hint that I may get it is a very lovely thing. But so so so much more lovelier then that is asking him to make a promise, and him doing so.

I asked him to make me a promise. And most people would think it was a stupid thing to ask for when it's sort of unspoken that it would be that way anyways, but I had to ask. It's just who I am. I wanted that promise, my happiness was banking on it.

Because I realized even if I am never 'with' him. Even if he never takes any interest in me. Even if I am chasing after this man for the rest of my life, never to be satisfied, I will still be happy, in just loving him. I love him, here and now. And he, well, he barely knows I exist, which is better then nothing, but still...Normally this would be a depressing thing. But even now, knowing I am nothing more then but one piece of an entity of people he loves, and probably will never be more then that, I am STILL happy. In loving him I am joyful. Just having him around, to see and hear, in that particular sense makes me beyond cheerful...And that's all I need. I want to be with him. I want him to know me. I want to know him. I want him to know me more then I want him to take immediate interest. I just want to be in his life, and have him in mine, whatever way possible. If it remains the way it is now, loved and admired guy always in the spotlight, and little lonely girl standing in the crowd, I will still be content, at least, for now. I wish, more then anything it was a friend to friend relationship. But that will have to wait for now.

I just know I need him, in my life, in some form. And he promised. I told him I needed that promise, that he will always do what he does. That he will never stop. I told him my happiness was banking on it. I told him he had to promise me. No "maybe" would do. I needed his word. And he gave it to me.

That right there meant so much. I teared up then, knowing my happiness was garunteed now. I don't have to fear losing it. I'm so happy now, and he doesn't love me. It doesn't hurt me, that he doesn't love me. I know the deeper I go into this, and the more time that passes, it may start to hurt me. But for now, I am happy. And I don't have to look over my shoulder for that depression and pain to sneak up on me. Because it won't! If it does come back, I think it would be more gradual. I don't think it will hit me spur of the moment.

When the first of my blackest days arrived back then...My other love, my first love...I found out that night that he was with her. As if that was not enough to crush my heart....That same night I lost my grandfather. The depression built off of more then one kind of loss. And I was never truly out of the dark after that night. I had good distractions. And my best guy friend, well he was wonderful. He brought me to the surface, he gave me some life again. But I was walking the line, always teetering, never happy enough, always still too sad.

But now...Well, I am out it seems. I haven't been so happy. I remember watching some movie a few nights ago, and the girl in the movie was talking about being in love with the same guy for 3 years, and he didn't feel the same...She went on about how those three years she was in love were the most depressing and terrible years of her life. It's not supposed to be like that! Love is supposed to make things bright and beautiful and enjoyable.

I'm not saying I wasn't happy loving my first love. He gave me so much...So so much. He gave me purpose. I was happy loving him. But the longer I was in love, the more pain I felt. The harder it got, the stronger it grew. Then the point came when I was no longer happy, but still in love. Painfully in love. I lost the happiness of it when he was in love with someone else. So maybe when the day comes that this guy falls for someone, maybe then, if I still love him, I will fall into darkness again. I want to say "I hope that doesn't happen." But I can't, because it would be a lie, in one way at least.

I learned my lesson before. I need to see those that I love happy. If they aren't happy, I have no reason to breathe. As long as they are happy, my heart will beat, no matter the torturous pain I go through for every beat. I learned that before. I needed him happy, and he was happy with her...And I survived, somehow. So if the time comes when he falls in love, and if he's happy with whomever she would be, I would probably fall into my darkness, but it would not kill me. Not if he was happy. My heart would be obliterated, but somehow it would still beat with the shine of his smile, so long as he was happy.

It's a lesson we all must learn I think. If you love someone, and yet can't be happy, to some degree, when they are happy, even if it's not with you, then you never truly loved them. I care more for his happiness then my own. It will, without a doubt cause me pain. But I can survive if my love is happy. If he's surviving.

The point is, I am happy. And that will not change any time soon, because he will be in my life. He will keep doing what he's doing. He will never stop. He promised me. And so I am content.

I know it's obvious to everyone. How I feel I mean, about him. And I know all of them think I'm in another phase. That I don't really love him the way I do. And to be truthful, if it was one of them coming back from meeting someone one time and saying they feel all this crap, I would have probably said "Yeah right, you meet once, and bam you're in love? I don't think so." Not that I am narrowminded or skeptical, but it does seem ridiculous. I do believe that one time is all it takes, but I never expected me to be the one in that situation. And so I am going to try not to let it bug me when people voice there opinions of my feelings as I am sure they will at some point or another. But I do love him. I can not deny it. It's crazy! It's only been 24 days! Jeeeze! That's like no time at all! I actually thought it was more, until I just counted. Lols. Wow. I honestly thought it was more then that. No wonder everyone thinks I'm crazy when I say I love him! Lol. Even I think I'm crazy for saying it!

It's true though. I don't know if I'm in love. It took me a LONG time to determine that with my first love. I didn't love him right away. It grew, gradually. But I was so in love with him. My scars haven't fully healed from him...When I see his eyes, his smile, hear his laugh...The laugh always gets me. My heart sort of throbs where the wounds have scabbed over...

I think maybe, when I see him again, I might be able to figure out how deep these feelings are running. And then to breath again! Oh man I can't wait. Though I feel like I sort of gulped the air through his comments to me. Not enough, just barely breaking the surface to let some air down my lungs before falling under the water again. Not enough to satisfy my need for air, but enough to keep me going, for now.

Ohhh on another note: I finished my gift for Whats-His-Face! I'm so excited. It's the best one I've done yet too! Which is good, because now I can make others and they will be good too, since I finally got the hang of it! :D

I also started my Besties birthday present the other night. I think I'll have to work on it every night to finish it in time. But I have over a month, and I might very well need it! Haha. But I'm excited about this gift for her, I really think she will like it. I hope anyways. Haha.

Okay, so, I'm going to take me and my lovely happy dancing singing butterflies up to bed soon. It's almost 4am! I was going to bed early lately, and waking up early. But it's hard to fall asleep when running on a high of talking to him, however briefly, through myspace comments. :)

"You're giving me great expectations, that love could happen again. It's so hard to be patient, when your breath is on my skin. You got me so high tonight, I don't ever wanna come down. No. Don't let these great expectations hit the ground." - Great Expectations by Honor Society.

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-Brianna