Stupid Fear

This water in my eyes is unsettling. This panic in my chest such contrast to the pure joy I felt just minutes ago. But now, now I see things crashing down around me I hadn't thought about before. I'm not supposed to think, I already got that one figured out. It's all about feeling. But now, as these thoughts of horror swirl through my mind I feel the fear inside of me. How can I turn off the thoughts when I feel it too? Jeeze!

I was doing great, awesome really. I was about to get offline to go to sleep, it's really late...But I was hitting up youtube, because I remembed something I wanted to listen to . Why oh why couldn't I have just forgotten to listen to it? It's beautiful, and wonderous, and I love it. But it sent the spasm of horror through me that has my heart clenching in a disoriented panic.

I didn't want to think about it. I already argued with myself over this stuff! I was happy! I was happy I was happy! I didn't care what happened afterwards! So why now am I so afraid? I knew letting myself accept this would have the power to destroy me...But I can feel now, that it will obliterate me. And I'm afraid.

I thought about the differences, the unlikliness, all of that. But I didn't think about the only logical outcome...Of him being with someone at some point or another. I was just happy to feel this way. I didn't think about that! But I know, I know that has more power to hurt me then anything else, because I lived through that, suffered day by day through that....But I survived, I'm still here, still alive, even happy! Did I not say that those were things I needed to go through! Why would I have to go through it twice? Go through it all over again with someone else so the pain is fresh and new? I don't know that I am now...Just the thought, the possibility is what struck me. I have no real reason to believe it to be happening currently, or even soon. I just hadn't given it ANY thought...I was only feeling (Which is what I'm supposed to do! Gah!)

"You're giving me great expectations that love could happen again. It's so hard to be patient when your breath is on my skin. You got me so high tonight, I don't ever want to come down, no. Don't let these great expectations hit the ground. Don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go. Don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go." - Those are lyrics from a song.

A song called Great Expectations by Honor Society. It's new, or new to fans anyways. They've been playing it during the last few soundcheck parties on the last dates of the tour. I knew there were videos on youtube of it, but kept forgetting about it, till tonight. I watched, in awe, and listened, in horror. Do those words not describe exactly how I feel about him right this moment? The thought occured that those are words describing how he feels, or has felt, or will feel about someone else. I didn't have that fear before. I didn't even fear the obvious fact that he would never feel what I'm feeling for him, for me. That didn't scare me really...So why does the thought of him with someone else horrify me! I do not understand. Suppose it takes me back to that whole "love is illogical" stuff I talked about before. But honestly, I don't like this fear. I don't like it. I want my happiness, and no more interuptions! I don't want to fear. I was fearless with this! I only feared losing my happiness. I didn't register that the number one cause for me to lose this happiness would be for him to find happiness in someone else. But gah, hadn't I already stated the fact that I am WRONG for this man? Doesn't that fact include that someone ELSE is RIGHT for this man? It seems I'm pretty unobservant about some things when I'm in a state of cheer.

Well, I'm tired, so I'm heading to sleep. If I have bad dreams tonight I swear I'm going to flip! I mean I freaking LOVE this song, a lot. It's going to be one of my favorites out of all of their songs I can tell...But it sent this horror through me. :/

Well here's the video of them singing the song if anyone is interested...It really is quite beautiful. Odd, how I never saw his beauty before I held him...Before he held me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltdOgYIZc2o

"You're giving me great expectations, that love could happen again!" Siiigh... MB <3 >

-Brianna