I love him

I have realized something. I go on and on about these butterflies, his butterflies, that live inside of me. Well, I don't get them like I used to get butterflies for other guys.

Before when I liked a guy, if I saw his name, or heard his name, or heard something that reminded me of him, or saw something...Anything relating to him in any way, I would get those butterflies. But that's not how these ones work. I hear his name all the time, and it does nothing for me. I see things all the time that make me think of him, but the butterflies don't spring into motion.

But my friend texted me the other day, asking about him. And seeing his name in that text sent a wave of emotions rolling through me. I didn't understand why at first. But I do now. It's because the guy who texted me was refering to him. Not just anyone with that name. Not just anything. But my him. Sigh...I say my like he's mine. Not what I meant. I don't claim to own him. And I will not oppose someone who shares my interest. I will not be the girl who says "You can't have him, he's mine." Not gonna happen. Besides, that's just annoying and really unattractive.

But anyways. It doesn't do anything for me, to hear or see things relating to him, unless it IS him. Seeing his name in that text, in the context of it being the one I feel for made me so high on happiness and love. And then tonight, when that specific someone commented me on myspace, seeing his name there, made me go wild. I'm still smiling from that one.

And I also realize listening to him and seeing him do different things for me. When I listen to him, all my senses shut down, except for sound. I close my eyes, and see him, in those memories I have. And then, when I see him, I see nothing else. No one else.

I don't remember if I mentioned my dreams or not on here. I think I may have. But it's like my dreams. Used to, when I dreampt, I remembered every detail of the dreams. And I had a lot of dreams that weren't even about me. I could recall most words said, and every person in the dreams. Where they took place. I mean I would write stories and songs based off of dreams sometimes. But now...Well....All I could tell you about my dream is that he was in it. I remember him in the dreams, and everything around us, all of my surrounding vision is just a blur of colors. I know people are there in the dreams. But I couldn't name a single one of them. Just me and him. And in the dreams, every time we hug (Happens a lot) he sings quietly in my ear. <--- Think I may have mentioned that in a post before.

But yeah. He's like...Altering a lot of things in my life. Not me. I'm the same. But like I said at one point of another, everything looks and feels different now.

There was once I time I would never ever be lucky enough to ever get anything from anyone like him. But I did. I met him. I hugged him, he hugged me. We had a conversation. He saw my comment, and commented me back. Him...Not whats-his-face, not snazzy, not the other yet to be nicknamed gent...Just him. And the thing is....I expected that comment. I don't know why. Didn't know he was online. Just went to myspace, saw I had a comment, and as I waited for the page to load I braced myself for it, because I knew it was them. And then it was. And I was still surprised. I don't know how I knew. I mean, I knew I left them a comment, but that was hours before.

I need to see him again. And talk to him. Feel him. It's all I want, right this moment. I couldn't be any happier then I am...But, I keep saying that and getting happier still. Like last night I learned that they are FINALLY making a movie of The Hobbit!!! I have been waiting for this for YEARS! It was the first book I read to be honest. And after they made The Lord Of The Rings, which are my favorite movies and books, I have been waiting for them to make The Hobbit into a movie. Annnnd even better, my beloved favourite movie directer Peter Jackson, who did LOTR is doing The Hobbit too! God Bless that man! Haha.

I was so jazzed about that I couldn't fall alseep, cause I found out at like 3am. So yeah. My happiness continues to grow. Not all of it because of him. But he gave it to me. And he continues to add to it. So do other, smaller things. But he controls it I think. I love him. I admit it. I love him a lot. Too much. And so he can obliterate me. I'm terrified he will. I've been broken before. I know it happens. I know it's unintentional, and I know it hurts like hell. I know it's not easy to escape. And I know you never quite heal entirely. I don't want to go through that again...Not with him. And I don't know that I will.

But as you know, when I think about it...I get too skeptical. It's not just that he is 30 and I am 18...It's that he is him, and I am 18. Any typical 30 year old probably would be into younger girls anyways. But not him. Even if by some miracle he saw something in me...He wouldn't act upon it, I am sure. He's too much of a gentlemen. Too respectible to go after someone so much younger then him. Unless he really truly loved the person, I don't think he would consider it. And that sad thing is I don't even look 18. I look like I'm about 14. It's beyond pathetic. But I love him. And when I forget about all those details, and just focus on the love, and focus on him, and feeeeeel it...I am in a heaven I never knew.

It sent a thrill through me, that he said my name in the comment. That's weird, isn't it? Ah well. I am strange, this we know. I need to see him. I have to. Nothing can stop me. I don't care if I don't have a ride or cash, I will walk. I'm not kidding. I have to see him. If I see him again, and this all fades, then I'll know it wasn't real. And if I see him, and it only gets stronger, I'll know it's real. I won't try to fight it anymore. I'll love him, and maybe, just maybe, one day, he could love me too. Maybe.

"You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing. I need to find you. I gotta find you." - Gotta Find You by Joe Jonas

La-la-la-lovin life. :)

-Brianna