Today I'm blogging about one of my favorite things in this whole wide world. Harry Potter. I could even go as far to say that I almost love Harry Potter more then everything else combined...Almost. Haha.
Today I got to see the first trailer, sort of, for Part 1 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and boy did a rush of memories just flood through me. I'm so excited for the movie to come out. But it totally brings me down. Number one reason of that is: I can't stand for good things to come to an end.
I already suffered, and am still suffering the end of those books. Now I just have to relive it to a less severe degree through the movies. I mean, I'm never satisfied with the movies, but this is ALL I have left to hold onto in the Harry Potter world, that's new! The thought of having nothing Harry Potter related to look forward to is sooooo just...Not right.
Harry Potter was, without a doubt, my first love. My best friend. My helping hand. My shoulder to cry on. It was everything to me, silly as that might sound. Sure, it's a fictional world. Just a book. It's not real. But it would take more then those pessimistic words to make me agree to it. Because Harry James Potter is every bit as real as you and me. In some form. I know for one he will always be a part of me. And I am just one of millions...Of billions of devoted Potterheads.
J.K. Rowling is a hero to me. Harry Potter was the begining of my turning point. That's what kept me sane, and happy, it's what kept me from being the girl who went to parties and got drunk at a too young age like all the others in my class. I was so absorbed in the world that was so much more then my own that I prefered sitting at home in my bed, curled up with my blanket and something to drink on the nightstand with my book in my hands. More then half the time I fell asleep with the book still open under my face...I did not want to put it down.
I have never met another Harry Potter fan who has read those books as many times as I have. (Over 100 times each.) I'm not saying I'm the best or biggest fan...Just one of the most absorbed perhaps. It's like when you have a bad day, and you just want to go to someone and vent, and feel the relief of letting it out and having someone say "It's okay, I understand" Well...That was Harry for me. I jumped into those books because I had nothing else. I had family, and friends, but some emotions can't be put into words. Some things you don't feel comfortable talking about to anyone! Harry Potter was my release. Unlike most the teens I know, who turned to drugs and alcohal and sex...I turned to books. To the unknown worlds that didn't exist in mine.
I remember the first time I read Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone, I was in middle school, in detention I think...And we were supposed to be reading. I didn't have a book with me so grabbed one of the shelf. It was Harry Potter. And I read it in about two weeks. So then I read the second one...I only read them during school time. But after the second I NEEDED the third, and it took off from there. I started reading them in my free time, and wizzed through them in days...In just hours. I never knew I was a fast reader before, I never knew I liked to read before Harry Potter. I never would have liked writing if I had never picked up that book that day.
It's always my favorite place to be...In the wizarding world. And though my books came to an end...I still had it. The movies (though nowhere near as good or exciting) were still coming out. J.K. Rowling came out with The Tales Of Beedle The Bard...That was something. And then I found Wizard Rock. There are hundreds of bands that play wizard rock, more comonly known as Wrock music. It's alllll about Harry Potter really, and I simple love it. It was one of my best distractions and outlets during my dark days to be honest. I even wrote some of my own wrock songs. So, really, the books will always be on someones shelf, somewhere. And the movies will always be in someones dvd player, sometime. And the music will still be listened to in someones headphones somedays.
Just because the books came to an end, and the movies are soon going to be done, and wizard rockers may eventually stop writing their songs, that does not mean Harry Potter is over. Harry Potter will never die. It will never end.
It's just like Lord of the Rings, I mean those books came out years and years and yearssss ago. Decades ago! And people still read them, still love them. They go through each generation really. And so will Harry.
Harry Potter lives, through the books, the movies, the songs, and in all of the hearts of all of the fans. He is real, as far as my eyes can see. And I will always cherish everything I got out of the world.
I know Twilight fans and HP fans sort of battle it out over which is better, but really, how stupid is that? This one smart dude said something like "It's not fair to compare the two series, when they aren't going after the same things. They aren't trying for the same goals as books, and so you can not say one is better then the other." I agree with that completely. I mean, I love Twilight, but honestly I DO think Harry Potter is better, but it's an opinion, and I have good reasoning for that opinion.
If you took a Twilight fan, and took an HP fan, and asked them to tell you what they got out of the book, I bet you anything the HP fan would have alot more meaningful things to say then the Twilight fan. Because Twilight, though a good story, doesn't have any morals, or messages really. At least, I don't see any. But Harry teaches you about the power of love, and strength of friendship, and the difference between right and wrong, and sacrafice, and bravery, good vs evil...There is so much. The books helped shape who I am today. But I got nothing out of Twilight, other then a good read for a fantasy love story. That's it.
But anyways, I just wanted to talk about that. Harry Potter is one of the subjects that, when you get me started on it, you WILL have to stop me, because I will go on, and on, and on, until I am forced to stop. I love it so much. It's one of the best things in my world. Books...Oh how I love books.
On another note: Those creative gifts I'm trying to make for all my beloved friends is becoming a freaking pain in the butt! I know I said that in my last blog, but sheeeeesh! I thought I would be better at this, but, I was a freshman the last time I tried, so, four years later I guess it does me no good. So, dear friends, if my gifts to you suck, I'm sorry! Lol. I'm trying! :P
Haha I just realized I say "So" a lot in these blogs. Gah, I'm such a dork. I mean, really, I write these drawn out blogs, probably full of gramatical errors, which bugs me...And it's not even like anyone reads it...Well, I know one person, maybe two...But I'm lame. But writing these feelings out is a good release. Kind of funny, how I start releasing my bottled up feelings when my feelings are good. I should have been more releasing when they were bad! Would have helped loads I bet! Ahhh siiigh. Haha.
"His breath gets short and his chest gets tight. But he's sixteen and he's driving too fast. Takes a turn to the left, it would be his last. Nobody knows what happens if he turns to the right. Nobody in the car would have died that night!" - Wasted by Cartel
:)
-Brianna
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Just Like Breathing...
Chocolate covered pretzels = YUM. You know I'm all about the contradictions. The whole salty-sweet combo is fantastic to my taste buds. Hah.
So I am currently trying to make something for that new-found-best-friend-I-met-just-once. Actually I'm not even sure it's gonna be for him yet. I just thought of him while working on it...But let me tell you it is a PAIN. I have to keep starting over cause I'll mess up, and not realize it till it's too late. Driving me crazy. Good thing I'm starting these things now...May be a while before I see those guys again, but I'm going to need a while to get these right. And of course the stuff I'm making for my besties...That's going to take me a while too, and Christmas isn't too far away! Jeeeeeeze! (<---Why do I say that? It's not a word! Haha!)
On another note, I realized that these feelings, while some of the strongest I've ever felt, are so so simple. Honestly....Let me just ask you: How much do you think about breathing?
It's like that. The feelings. I don't go through my day counting my breaths, or analyzing the amount of air I take in each breath. I don't think about breathing at all, it just happens. It's natural, no reason to put any thought behind it. The only real reasons I would think about breathing is if I had pain in my chest, or I went running and was "Out of breath"
Simple as that. No reason to think about it, unless it's causing some kind of discomfort or pain. But you feel it constantly. You need it to survive for crying out loud! (Not saying I need this to survive, that would be a stretch.) But really...
My feelings for this guy are so wonderful, I'm always so happy. I can go about my day without thinking about him at all! Sure, I dream about him every night, but that I don't control. Sure I see him when I turn the computer on, or whatever. Sure I hear him every night as I fall asleep. But I do not think about him. He's just there, inside me...My heart I guess, or, I'm assuming. Lol.
The whole "Think don't feel" thing is just puuuure bliss. I am ALWAYS feeling him. Always, but I don't have to think about him. This is something I never discovered before now. I don't need him to be a constant in my mind, because he's already a constant in my heart. (I still don't get why I couldn't realize this before with someone else, but whatever. It's all for a reason, duh.)
Basically, it's like breathing, metaphorically. Always there, always feel it, keeps me healthy, alive, and not something to stress over or worry about (Unless you're like a chain smoker or something, thankfully I'm not! :P)
I guess I never realized my thoughts and my feelings could keep seperate company. But they can. They can coexist, without colliding, and I freaking love it! (I'm not saying I never think about him, I mean, all my blog posts have revolved around him to be honest. He's on my mind this moment, and not just because he tweeted something right now. Hah.)
Wellll, why I don't a take a tip from that genius friend of mine? (She's doing this epic thing called "Not obsessing" haha. Smart smart girl!) Let's see how many blogs I can go through (Starting tomorrow) without mentioning him once. But that doesn't include song lyrics I post at the end of each blog, because I listen to that band too much. (Yeah every time I post song lyrics at the end, it's always the song I'm listening to that moment, just saying...) Hah.
Now, time to get back to making this pain in the butt gift for whats-his-face. Hehe :P
"I am what I am. I can't help myself. And if you don't like it get with somebody else!" - I Am What I Am by Jonas Brothers <3
-Brianna
So I am currently trying to make something for that new-found-best-friend-I-met-just-once. Actually I'm not even sure it's gonna be for him yet. I just thought of him while working on it...But let me tell you it is a PAIN. I have to keep starting over cause I'll mess up, and not realize it till it's too late. Driving me crazy. Good thing I'm starting these things now...May be a while before I see those guys again, but I'm going to need a while to get these right. And of course the stuff I'm making for my besties...That's going to take me a while too, and Christmas isn't too far away! Jeeeeeeze! (<---Why do I say that? It's not a word! Haha!)
On another note, I realized that these feelings, while some of the strongest I've ever felt, are so so simple. Honestly....Let me just ask you: How much do you think about breathing?
It's like that. The feelings. I don't go through my day counting my breaths, or analyzing the amount of air I take in each breath. I don't think about breathing at all, it just happens. It's natural, no reason to put any thought behind it. The only real reasons I would think about breathing is if I had pain in my chest, or I went running and was "Out of breath"
Simple as that. No reason to think about it, unless it's causing some kind of discomfort or pain. But you feel it constantly. You need it to survive for crying out loud! (Not saying I need this to survive, that would be a stretch.) But really...
My feelings for this guy are so wonderful, I'm always so happy. I can go about my day without thinking about him at all! Sure, I dream about him every night, but that I don't control. Sure I see him when I turn the computer on, or whatever. Sure I hear him every night as I fall asleep. But I do not think about him. He's just there, inside me...My heart I guess, or, I'm assuming. Lol.
The whole "Think don't feel" thing is just puuuure bliss. I am ALWAYS feeling him. Always, but I don't have to think about him. This is something I never discovered before now. I don't need him to be a constant in my mind, because he's already a constant in my heart. (I still don't get why I couldn't realize this before with someone else, but whatever. It's all for a reason, duh.)
Basically, it's like breathing, metaphorically. Always there, always feel it, keeps me healthy, alive, and not something to stress over or worry about (Unless you're like a chain smoker or something, thankfully I'm not! :P)
I guess I never realized my thoughts and my feelings could keep seperate company. But they can. They can coexist, without colliding, and I freaking love it! (I'm not saying I never think about him, I mean, all my blog posts have revolved around him to be honest. He's on my mind this moment, and not just because he tweeted something right now. Hah.)
Wellll, why I don't a take a tip from that genius friend of mine? (She's doing this epic thing called "Not obsessing" haha. Smart smart girl!) Let's see how many blogs I can go through (Starting tomorrow) without mentioning him once. But that doesn't include song lyrics I post at the end of each blog, because I listen to that band too much. (Yeah every time I post song lyrics at the end, it's always the song I'm listening to that moment, just saying...) Hah.
Now, time to get back to making this pain in the butt gift for whats-his-face. Hehe :P
"I am what I am. I can't help myself. And if you don't like it get with somebody else!" - I Am What I Am by Jonas Brothers <3
-Brianna
Post-Freak Out.
I had a bit of a freak out last night. I was very unprepared for it. I guess I was just so caught up in being happy, that I didn't look at it that way. It's quite plain to me that I'm in pretty deep. Too fast. But it's not like...Like last time I fell. It's much faster, yet much slower, all at the same time. It's much more simple, and yet way more complicated, all at the same time. I don't really understand, but I don't need to. Remember, I'm not supposed to try and make sense of things.
I'm not freaking right now. I'm good, my smile still intact. I did some Christmas shopping today. I've decided to be creative and make things for all my friends. So, I have to go into the making process, but I bought the stuff I need, so I'm excited. I freaking LOVE giving gifts. Honestly, it's the best thing in the world. Haha. I'm even making something for him, and the others for next time I see them. Not something grand, and not something that says "Oh hey, by the way, I might be in love with you." Just something simple, that says "Thanks for doing all that you do." And that's a good message to send off to someone you might be falling for, right? Well, either way, I'm sticking to it. I got to at least show my appreciation, even if I don't let up on this massive swirl of emotions inside of me.
I don't think I mentioned this before, because all I've been talking about is him. But there are some other guys, not as significant to me, but still, quite wonderful. Well, I realized that one of these guys feels like my best friend. I know that's odd, might even be more odd then my unexplainable feelings for the other one I've spoken of. I've only met them once, but there was just something about this one that makes me feel like, like he's my best friend...Almost brotherly even. It's weird, but I like it. I love friends so much. They're more like family to me. Even the one's I'm not so close to. But I have a small group of friends I would die for in a heartbeat, I love them so much. Friends are good...And so the feeling that I have this new friend (Though he won't see it that way) makes me, astonishingly, even happier.
My freak out last night hasn't been forgotten, but pushed to the back of my mind. I'm not thinking about it. Feeling is better. And if the fear ambushes me again, then I'll just feel it, and deal with it, and so on. I guess I was just really startled by how deep I was getting. I hadn't fully registered that, and the fear was powerful...Powerful enough to demonstrate it's capability to obliterate me. And the thought of going through that all over again...I didn't register. I wasn't afraid of falling back into darkness, right where I left off from it. I was in a dull numb stage sort of. Horrid, but bearable. But to be thrust into it from the begining, to go through all over again, freshly, maybe even differently...That is pretty scary.
But I have peace of mind when I close my eyes and see him. I love it. I don't have to think about him. I don't think about him nearly as much as I thought about...Someone else. I'm just trusting the instincts, just feeling it. And it's not distracting, just a pleasant thing going on inside of me while I go about my day. Which is really good, since I'm filling out applications to get a job. I doubt I could have gotten, let alone held, a job when I was in my dark abyss. Stupid boring lifeless zombie I was. Sheesh...Hope that never happens again.
I like this happiness, and it's where I want to be. Despite any obliterating that may come from it in the long run. I have a feeling it'll be worth it...Just as everything I went through before was worth it, and had reason.
Welll, off to go make something for him, and others. :)
Love is wonderful.
Life is good.
I am happy.
"I can feel your butterflies. If we kiss will they fly away?" - Two Rebels by Honor Society.
Siiigh. <3 MB
-Brianna
I'm not freaking right now. I'm good, my smile still intact. I did some Christmas shopping today. I've decided to be creative and make things for all my friends. So, I have to go into the making process, but I bought the stuff I need, so I'm excited. I freaking LOVE giving gifts. Honestly, it's the best thing in the world. Haha. I'm even making something for him, and the others for next time I see them. Not something grand, and not something that says "Oh hey, by the way, I might be in love with you." Just something simple, that says "Thanks for doing all that you do." And that's a good message to send off to someone you might be falling for, right? Well, either way, I'm sticking to it. I got to at least show my appreciation, even if I don't let up on this massive swirl of emotions inside of me.
I don't think I mentioned this before, because all I've been talking about is him. But there are some other guys, not as significant to me, but still, quite wonderful. Well, I realized that one of these guys feels like my best friend. I know that's odd, might even be more odd then my unexplainable feelings for the other one I've spoken of. I've only met them once, but there was just something about this one that makes me feel like, like he's my best friend...Almost brotherly even. It's weird, but I like it. I love friends so much. They're more like family to me. Even the one's I'm not so close to. But I have a small group of friends I would die for in a heartbeat, I love them so much. Friends are good...And so the feeling that I have this new friend (Though he won't see it that way) makes me, astonishingly, even happier.
My freak out last night hasn't been forgotten, but pushed to the back of my mind. I'm not thinking about it. Feeling is better. And if the fear ambushes me again, then I'll just feel it, and deal with it, and so on. I guess I was just really startled by how deep I was getting. I hadn't fully registered that, and the fear was powerful...Powerful enough to demonstrate it's capability to obliterate me. And the thought of going through that all over again...I didn't register. I wasn't afraid of falling back into darkness, right where I left off from it. I was in a dull numb stage sort of. Horrid, but bearable. But to be thrust into it from the begining, to go through all over again, freshly, maybe even differently...That is pretty scary.
But I have peace of mind when I close my eyes and see him. I love it. I don't have to think about him. I don't think about him nearly as much as I thought about...Someone else. I'm just trusting the instincts, just feeling it. And it's not distracting, just a pleasant thing going on inside of me while I go about my day. Which is really good, since I'm filling out applications to get a job. I doubt I could have gotten, let alone held, a job when I was in my dark abyss. Stupid boring lifeless zombie I was. Sheesh...Hope that never happens again.
I like this happiness, and it's where I want to be. Despite any obliterating that may come from it in the long run. I have a feeling it'll be worth it...Just as everything I went through before was worth it, and had reason.
Welll, off to go make something for him, and others. :)
Love is wonderful.
Life is good.
I am happy.
"I can feel your butterflies. If we kiss will they fly away?" - Two Rebels by Honor Society.
Siiigh. <3 MB
-Brianna
Stupid Fear
This water in my eyes is unsettling. This panic in my chest such contrast to the pure joy I felt just minutes ago. But now, now I see things crashing down around me I hadn't thought about before. I'm not supposed to think, I already got that one figured out. It's all about feeling. But now, as these thoughts of horror swirl through my mind I feel the fear inside of me. How can I turn off the thoughts when I feel it too? Jeeze!
I was doing great, awesome really. I was about to get offline to go to sleep, it's really late...But I was hitting up youtube, because I remembed something I wanted to listen to . Why oh why couldn't I have just forgotten to listen to it? It's beautiful, and wonderous, and I love it. But it sent the spasm of horror through me that has my heart clenching in a disoriented panic.
I didn't want to think about it. I already argued with myself over this stuff! I was happy! I was happy I was happy! I didn't care what happened afterwards! So why now am I so afraid? I knew letting myself accept this would have the power to destroy me...But I can feel now, that it will obliterate me. And I'm afraid.
I thought about the differences, the unlikliness, all of that. But I didn't think about the only logical outcome...Of him being with someone at some point or another. I was just happy to feel this way. I didn't think about that! But I know, I know that has more power to hurt me then anything else, because I lived through that, suffered day by day through that....But I survived, I'm still here, still alive, even happy! Did I not say that those were things I needed to go through! Why would I have to go through it twice? Go through it all over again with someone else so the pain is fresh and new? I don't know that I am now...Just the thought, the possibility is what struck me. I have no real reason to believe it to be happening currently, or even soon. I just hadn't given it ANY thought...I was only feeling (Which is what I'm supposed to do! Gah!)
"You're giving me great expectations that love could happen again. It's so hard to be patient when your breath is on my skin. You got me so high tonight, I don't ever want to come down, no. Don't let these great expectations hit the ground. Don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go. Don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go." - Those are lyrics from a song.
A song called Great Expectations by Honor Society. It's new, or new to fans anyways. They've been playing it during the last few soundcheck parties on the last dates of the tour. I knew there were videos on youtube of it, but kept forgetting about it, till tonight. I watched, in awe, and listened, in horror. Do those words not describe exactly how I feel about him right this moment? The thought occured that those are words describing how he feels, or has felt, or will feel about someone else. I didn't have that fear before. I didn't even fear the obvious fact that he would never feel what I'm feeling for him, for me. That didn't scare me really...So why does the thought of him with someone else horrify me! I do not understand. Suppose it takes me back to that whole "love is illogical" stuff I talked about before. But honestly, I don't like this fear. I don't like it. I want my happiness, and no more interuptions! I don't want to fear. I was fearless with this! I only feared losing my happiness. I didn't register that the number one cause for me to lose this happiness would be for him to find happiness in someone else. But gah, hadn't I already stated the fact that I am WRONG for this man? Doesn't that fact include that someone ELSE is RIGHT for this man? It seems I'm pretty unobservant about some things when I'm in a state of cheer.
Well, I'm tired, so I'm heading to sleep. If I have bad dreams tonight I swear I'm going to flip! I mean I freaking LOVE this song, a lot. It's going to be one of my favorites out of all of their songs I can tell...But it sent this horror through me. :/
Well here's the video of them singing the song if anyone is interested...It really is quite beautiful. Odd, how I never saw his beauty before I held him...Before he held me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltdOgYIZc2o
"You're giving me great expectations, that love could happen again!" Siiigh... MB <3 >
-Brianna
I was doing great, awesome really. I was about to get offline to go to sleep, it's really late...But I was hitting up youtube, because I remembed something I wanted to listen to . Why oh why couldn't I have just forgotten to listen to it? It's beautiful, and wonderous, and I love it. But it sent the spasm of horror through me that has my heart clenching in a disoriented panic.
I didn't want to think about it. I already argued with myself over this stuff! I was happy! I was happy I was happy! I didn't care what happened afterwards! So why now am I so afraid? I knew letting myself accept this would have the power to destroy me...But I can feel now, that it will obliterate me. And I'm afraid.
I thought about the differences, the unlikliness, all of that. But I didn't think about the only logical outcome...Of him being with someone at some point or another. I was just happy to feel this way. I didn't think about that! But I know, I know that has more power to hurt me then anything else, because I lived through that, suffered day by day through that....But I survived, I'm still here, still alive, even happy! Did I not say that those were things I needed to go through! Why would I have to go through it twice? Go through it all over again with someone else so the pain is fresh and new? I don't know that I am now...Just the thought, the possibility is what struck me. I have no real reason to believe it to be happening currently, or even soon. I just hadn't given it ANY thought...I was only feeling (Which is what I'm supposed to do! Gah!)
"You're giving me great expectations that love could happen again. It's so hard to be patient when your breath is on my skin. You got me so high tonight, I don't ever want to come down, no. Don't let these great expectations hit the ground. Don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go. Don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go." - Those are lyrics from a song.
A song called Great Expectations by Honor Society. It's new, or new to fans anyways. They've been playing it during the last few soundcheck parties on the last dates of the tour. I knew there were videos on youtube of it, but kept forgetting about it, till tonight. I watched, in awe, and listened, in horror. Do those words not describe exactly how I feel about him right this moment? The thought occured that those are words describing how he feels, or has felt, or will feel about someone else. I didn't have that fear before. I didn't even fear the obvious fact that he would never feel what I'm feeling for him, for me. That didn't scare me really...So why does the thought of him with someone else horrify me! I do not understand. Suppose it takes me back to that whole "love is illogical" stuff I talked about before. But honestly, I don't like this fear. I don't like it. I want my happiness, and no more interuptions! I don't want to fear. I was fearless with this! I only feared losing my happiness. I didn't register that the number one cause for me to lose this happiness would be for him to find happiness in someone else. But gah, hadn't I already stated the fact that I am WRONG for this man? Doesn't that fact include that someone ELSE is RIGHT for this man? It seems I'm pretty unobservant about some things when I'm in a state of cheer.
Well, I'm tired, so I'm heading to sleep. If I have bad dreams tonight I swear I'm going to flip! I mean I freaking LOVE this song, a lot. It's going to be one of my favorites out of all of their songs I can tell...But it sent this horror through me. :/
Well here's the video of them singing the song if anyone is interested...It really is quite beautiful. Odd, how I never saw his beauty before I held him...Before he held me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltdOgYIZc2o
"You're giving me great expectations, that love could happen again!" Siiigh... MB <3 >
-Brianna
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Changes...
So, now that I figured out everything to some degree, I don't quite know what to say in here. I mean, I ranted for two long blogs the past two nights about my confusing skeptisism...But as I decided it doesn't matter...No more reason to talk about it. What fun is there in displaying the contents of a non-existant love life, no matter how happy it makes me feel...It'll bore the world to death. Of course, the world isn't reading this...Maybe one person, possibly two. But anyways...
*currently listening to "My Everything by Push Play - Check it outtt!*
So, everything in my world looks different, feels different. This is not a bad thing. But I've always been one to shy away from change. Even good change, it just unsettles me...When things are a specific way for a long period of time, it's difficult to adjust to change. Before now...I would see it as bad, even if it's not. Because I do not like change. Simple as that.
But now...I don't know. Everything is different...I remember saying something about the shifting of my world in my last post...Well, that pretty much sums it up. My entire world shifted, so everything came into view...A different view. I like it though. It's like...Like all the colors are brighter, the shadows sharper, the sun hotter, the rain wetter...Life is all the sudden better.
...Someone I love quite a lot made a change that had me sobbing into my pillow just last month. I was worried, and scared...I don't like change. But tonight, seeing that someone take center stage and just own it...There aren't words for the way it made me feel. The change still mystifies me. I still am not exactly happy about the small change. But to see it, see him shine so brightly...I swear, that boy must be an angel. I've always secretly wondered if he's hiding wings under his shirt, no joke. I was so proud. Beyond proud. It was different, but not bad. I even teared up, I didn't cry, but I teared up. I know though, when I see him next month, see it all again, first hand, I will be even more proud, and more impressed, and probably cry. That angel has always taken care of me, even if he is unaware of that. And I will never falter in my support and love and devotion for him. Change is different...But we must always be open to new things, to the unknown. We shouldn't fear the unknown. I think he did...I think he was uncertain how the world would react...How they would take to it...But I think pretty much most of them agree with me, that it was a proud moment, and our love for that angel only grows stronger.
I never really realized how clouded ones vision was when they are depressed, left in the dark. I had no idea that I wasn't seeing. I don't really want to use this example but it's one some people will underdstand so...It's like in Breaking Dawn, when Bella opens her eyes for the first time as a Vampire...How she went on about how she never really saw Edward before. How her new sight put it in such sharp focus, she had no idea what she was missing...Well that's how this happiness feels. I didn't know it before, in my darkness, that I was blinded to a lot of things. But now, with this new happiness everything is sharper. The old things are even better, and the new things are blowing me away. I just...Can't even describe it really, but I'm sure you get the point.
The world hasn't changed. My home hasn't changed. My friends haven't changed. My books haven't changed. My music hasn't changed. My movies haven't changed. I think it's just me that's changed this time around. I mean, I'm still me...Of course, I haven't changed like that. My personality is still the same, my mind set, my soul, my face (unfortunatley, hah) is all the same. Just the way I see has changed, and what I feel has changed. Maybe even my heart has changed...Feels like it. I must say, this change is not something for me to shy away from in fear of the unknown...No, this change is something I will embrace with every fiber of my being.
I realize that when I was sad, depressed, lost...Whatever term you wanna use, when I was in that horrid place I couldn't get out on my own. I tried, endlessly, and I couldn't understand why I couldn'd find any peace of mind at all. I thought I was doing it right. I thought I was trying anyways, I prayed every night, several times a day, I just cried to God, pleaded really...And I couldn't understand anything.
Now that I'm free of that weight, of that pain...Now that I'm not drowning in it I can see! Everything is making sense (sort of) and falling into place (I hope) I couldn't really see before. I couldn't think right. I wasn't trying to my full potential...I was over doing it. I was over thinking...Now I know it's not about the thinking, it's about the feeling. Why I didn't see that before must be because all I felt was the pain. But now that I'm free of it...I can feel...Everything. I think now I can get closer to God, as I've been wanting to for a long time now. I can feel, I don't have to think. I don't have to try, I just have to let it be.
That knowledge is a greater gift then anything else I believe. I indeed have much to be thankful for. More so then I knew. I never felt so weightless before! So free! Really, there is absolutely nothing like feeling. Forget it. Don't think it. Don't try. Just feel! Let yourself feel it...Whatever it is. Feel what you need to feel, and forget everything else. It's the best feeling in the world.
So, on another note: I'm going back, watching things I'd seen before, listening to things I'd heard before...They all have new meaning now. I never got butterflies while watching those youtube videos before. I never grinned so widely with my heart thumping fiercely in my chest while listening to those songs, but now...Now it's alll different. All because of him.
I can feel it now, even through this happines, I feel as if I'm under water. And when I see him again...No, not when I see him...When I feel him again I will break through the surface to gulp down the fresh air my lungs are burning for. I indeed can not wait to breathe again. I've never been good at holding my breath. Hah.
"If you could see my soul, these walls would surely shatter. If you could see my soul, our differences won't matter." - See My Soul by Push Play (Song I mentioned in my last post)
Ahh, life is good... MB <3>
-Brianna
*currently listening to "My Everything by Push Play - Check it outtt!*
So, everything in my world looks different, feels different. This is not a bad thing. But I've always been one to shy away from change. Even good change, it just unsettles me...When things are a specific way for a long period of time, it's difficult to adjust to change. Before now...I would see it as bad, even if it's not. Because I do not like change. Simple as that.
But now...I don't know. Everything is different...I remember saying something about the shifting of my world in my last post...Well, that pretty much sums it up. My entire world shifted, so everything came into view...A different view. I like it though. It's like...Like all the colors are brighter, the shadows sharper, the sun hotter, the rain wetter...Life is all the sudden better.
...Someone I love quite a lot made a change that had me sobbing into my pillow just last month. I was worried, and scared...I don't like change. But tonight, seeing that someone take center stage and just own it...There aren't words for the way it made me feel. The change still mystifies me. I still am not exactly happy about the small change. But to see it, see him shine so brightly...I swear, that boy must be an angel. I've always secretly wondered if he's hiding wings under his shirt, no joke. I was so proud. Beyond proud. It was different, but not bad. I even teared up, I didn't cry, but I teared up. I know though, when I see him next month, see it all again, first hand, I will be even more proud, and more impressed, and probably cry. That angel has always taken care of me, even if he is unaware of that. And I will never falter in my support and love and devotion for him. Change is different...But we must always be open to new things, to the unknown. We shouldn't fear the unknown. I think he did...I think he was uncertain how the world would react...How they would take to it...But I think pretty much most of them agree with me, that it was a proud moment, and our love for that angel only grows stronger.
I never really realized how clouded ones vision was when they are depressed, left in the dark. I had no idea that I wasn't seeing. I don't really want to use this example but it's one some people will underdstand so...It's like in Breaking Dawn, when Bella opens her eyes for the first time as a Vampire...How she went on about how she never really saw Edward before. How her new sight put it in such sharp focus, she had no idea what she was missing...Well that's how this happiness feels. I didn't know it before, in my darkness, that I was blinded to a lot of things. But now, with this new happiness everything is sharper. The old things are even better, and the new things are blowing me away. I just...Can't even describe it really, but I'm sure you get the point.
The world hasn't changed. My home hasn't changed. My friends haven't changed. My books haven't changed. My music hasn't changed. My movies haven't changed. I think it's just me that's changed this time around. I mean, I'm still me...Of course, I haven't changed like that. My personality is still the same, my mind set, my soul, my face (unfortunatley, hah) is all the same. Just the way I see has changed, and what I feel has changed. Maybe even my heart has changed...Feels like it. I must say, this change is not something for me to shy away from in fear of the unknown...No, this change is something I will embrace with every fiber of my being.
I realize that when I was sad, depressed, lost...Whatever term you wanna use, when I was in that horrid place I couldn't get out on my own. I tried, endlessly, and I couldn't understand why I couldn'd find any peace of mind at all. I thought I was doing it right. I thought I was trying anyways, I prayed every night, several times a day, I just cried to God, pleaded really...And I couldn't understand anything.
Now that I'm free of that weight, of that pain...Now that I'm not drowning in it I can see! Everything is making sense (sort of) and falling into place (I hope) I couldn't really see before. I couldn't think right. I wasn't trying to my full potential...I was over doing it. I was over thinking...Now I know it's not about the thinking, it's about the feeling. Why I didn't see that before must be because all I felt was the pain. But now that I'm free of it...I can feel...Everything. I think now I can get closer to God, as I've been wanting to for a long time now. I can feel, I don't have to think. I don't have to try, I just have to let it be.
That knowledge is a greater gift then anything else I believe. I indeed have much to be thankful for. More so then I knew. I never felt so weightless before! So free! Really, there is absolutely nothing like feeling. Forget it. Don't think it. Don't try. Just feel! Let yourself feel it...Whatever it is. Feel what you need to feel, and forget everything else. It's the best feeling in the world.
So, on another note: I'm going back, watching things I'd seen before, listening to things I'd heard before...They all have new meaning now. I never got butterflies while watching those youtube videos before. I never grinned so widely with my heart thumping fiercely in my chest while listening to those songs, but now...Now it's alll different. All because of him.
I can feel it now, even through this happines, I feel as if I'm under water. And when I see him again...No, not when I see him...When I feel him again I will break through the surface to gulp down the fresh air my lungs are burning for. I indeed can not wait to breathe again. I've never been good at holding my breath. Hah.
"If you could see my soul, these walls would surely shatter. If you could see my soul, our differences won't matter." - See My Soul by Push Play (Song I mentioned in my last post)
Ahh, life is good... MB <3>
-Brianna
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Yo, that's illogical...
So I just had something pointed out to me by my best friend. I said something on twitter about my butterflies not making sense, and she said if I keep trying to make them make sense, I will lose them. FACT: My best friend is a genius.
And she is freaking right! The most common sense thing that I didn't even think of myself! Hah.
It's simple as this Love. Does. Not. Make. Sense. Love is illogical, it always has been, since the dawn of time, and always will be. I mean, come on, think about it? A classic, Romeo and Juliet had no clue what they were doing and it ended horribly, there was a ton of logic lacked in that love story. And then the new found favorite of every teenage girl in america, Twilight. A vampire and a human? It's forbidden love, always. And they definitely had some issues but they did get a happy ending. I mean, really, what does it freaking matter anyways!
Ohh random side note: I'm currently listening to this band called Push Play (because, like I said, my best friend = genius hah) and this one line in this one song seriously just struck me, I had to rewind and listen to the line, just the one sentance three times before I let the rest of the song play. This is what it said "If you could see my soul, These walls would surely shatter. If you could see my soul, our differences won't matter anymore. Letting go of the history that's come between us all. If you could see my soul, What I'm worth on the surface." WOW. There's more, now that I'm listening to the rest of it, but man...Jeeze...Gah.. Sorry. Back to my love isn't logical rant.
So anyways, what does it matter if I'm falling in love with someone I've only met once? (There I said it! Falling in love! Hah! Why should that scare me?) And what does it matter if he's 11 years and 7 months older then me? And what does it matter that he's the object of hundreds of other girls dreams? What does it matter that I couldn't possibly be right for him when he seems so right for me? What does it matter that everything about him suddenly gives me butterflies? What does it matter that this new found happiness he gives me could have the power to utterly destroy me? HAVE I NOT BEEN DESTROYED BEFORE? HAVE I NOT ALREADY GONE THROUGH ALL OF THIS? GOTTEN USED TO IT? FAMILIAR WITH IT?
...Why should I be afraid to love again?
Love is illogical. It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense. It's not supposed to...Not if it is love. Sure, he won't take interest in me I'm sure...But even that thought isn't sending horrid aches through my chest. Maybe in time it will, depending on how far I end up falling. But to be completely honest I. DO. NOT. CARE. I haven't been this happy in SOOO long. I can no longer try to deny it....He makes me happy, makes me smile, gives me butterflies like freaking crazy. He's taking center stage in my dreams now.
I would not have thought this possible before. I didn't even consider it. I didn't think "Oh I'm in love with this guy" before I met him. I thought he was cute, sure. But I didn't think he was beautiful...But now, it's all I see. After meeting him...He changed everything that moment I was in his arms. Like the entire world just sort of shifted so everything looked and felt different. Shifted just enough so that my black hole was upside down and I fell out on firm ground with the sun a contant thing in the sky. He did this. I don't know how, and I don't know why. And it does not matter. I do not care.
I'm happy. Because of him. That may change at some point, but right now I'm just going to enjoy it. It's wonderful. Feeling so free!
Do not, however, get me wrong. I am not entirely healed, as I had hoped. My first love, I saw him today, extremely distantly...My heart skipped some beats and I had no words or thoughts. It was silent, errie really. I know that he will always be a part of me, whether I want him to be or not. But I do. He shaped who I am today, and I thank God for every moment...The moments I smiled, and the moments I suffered. I wouldn't want to take it back, and if I had to relive it a thousand times over, I would, gladly. I will always love him. Always, no matter what. Maybe the way in which I love him will change. But it doesn't matter. He is happy, and that makes my sun shine out the clearer. I thank God for every second. I don't think I deserved the good, and more then deserved the bad. And I doubt I deserve to be as happy as I feel now, but I don't care. It doesn't matter...
I'm illogical.
Love is illogical.
Life is illogical.
Yo....That's illogical, but I can have it. :)
-Brianna
And she is freaking right! The most common sense thing that I didn't even think of myself! Hah.
It's simple as this Love. Does. Not. Make. Sense. Love is illogical, it always has been, since the dawn of time, and always will be. I mean, come on, think about it? A classic, Romeo and Juliet had no clue what they were doing and it ended horribly, there was a ton of logic lacked in that love story. And then the new found favorite of every teenage girl in america, Twilight. A vampire and a human? It's forbidden love, always. And they definitely had some issues but they did get a happy ending. I mean, really, what does it freaking matter anyways!
Ohh random side note: I'm currently listening to this band called Push Play (because, like I said, my best friend = genius hah) and this one line in this one song seriously just struck me, I had to rewind and listen to the line, just the one sentance three times before I let the rest of the song play. This is what it said "If you could see my soul, These walls would surely shatter. If you could see my soul, our differences won't matter anymore. Letting go of the history that's come between us all. If you could see my soul, What I'm worth on the surface." WOW. There's more, now that I'm listening to the rest of it, but man...Jeeze...Gah.. Sorry. Back to my love isn't logical rant.
So anyways, what does it matter if I'm falling in love with someone I've only met once? (There I said it! Falling in love! Hah! Why should that scare me?) And what does it matter if he's 11 years and 7 months older then me? And what does it matter that he's the object of hundreds of other girls dreams? What does it matter that I couldn't possibly be right for him when he seems so right for me? What does it matter that everything about him suddenly gives me butterflies? What does it matter that this new found happiness he gives me could have the power to utterly destroy me? HAVE I NOT BEEN DESTROYED BEFORE? HAVE I NOT ALREADY GONE THROUGH ALL OF THIS? GOTTEN USED TO IT? FAMILIAR WITH IT?
...Why should I be afraid to love again?
Love is illogical. It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense. It's not supposed to...Not if it is love. Sure, he won't take interest in me I'm sure...But even that thought isn't sending horrid aches through my chest. Maybe in time it will, depending on how far I end up falling. But to be completely honest I. DO. NOT. CARE. I haven't been this happy in SOOO long. I can no longer try to deny it....He makes me happy, makes me smile, gives me butterflies like freaking crazy. He's taking center stage in my dreams now.
I would not have thought this possible before. I didn't even consider it. I didn't think "Oh I'm in love with this guy" before I met him. I thought he was cute, sure. But I didn't think he was beautiful...But now, it's all I see. After meeting him...He changed everything that moment I was in his arms. Like the entire world just sort of shifted so everything looked and felt different. Shifted just enough so that my black hole was upside down and I fell out on firm ground with the sun a contant thing in the sky. He did this. I don't know how, and I don't know why. And it does not matter. I do not care.
I'm happy. Because of him. That may change at some point, but right now I'm just going to enjoy it. It's wonderful. Feeling so free!
Do not, however, get me wrong. I am not entirely healed, as I had hoped. My first love, I saw him today, extremely distantly...My heart skipped some beats and I had no words or thoughts. It was silent, errie really. I know that he will always be a part of me, whether I want him to be or not. But I do. He shaped who I am today, and I thank God for every moment...The moments I smiled, and the moments I suffered. I wouldn't want to take it back, and if I had to relive it a thousand times over, I would, gladly. I will always love him. Always, no matter what. Maybe the way in which I love him will change. But it doesn't matter. He is happy, and that makes my sun shine out the clearer. I thank God for every second. I don't think I deserved the good, and more then deserved the bad. And I doubt I deserve to be as happy as I feel now, but I don't care. It doesn't matter...
I'm illogical.
Love is illogical.
Life is illogical.
Yo....That's illogical, but I can have it. :)
-Brianna
Think & Feel
After so many months of being drowned in an unescapable depression, this happiness I now feel seems so strange. Alien to me. I almost feel as if I've never known happiness until now, though that is indeed a stretch; I have perfectly clear happy memories that I would love to relive. I wasn't always so doom and gloom. And I'm not going to get into the reasons behind my long lived dark days. Now I am surrounded by light.
I'm happy. Unbelievable euphoric even. I'm almost completely terrified to trust this joy. I don't want to lose it. And I don't want to admit the reasons behind it to myself. I know them. Everyone else knows them. I don't need to say it. It's quite obvious when the turning point was. But to say it aloud...To think it freely, to acknowledge it would make it final; seal the deal. Make it concrete. And therefore have the power to destroy me.
People always say "You can not love that which you do not know." I never believed that. I never lived by it. Because I know it isn't true. People also always say "Everything happens for a reason" Now that one I do believe. I do live by. And at times I could see postives through my negatives. I knew the silver linings of my darkened clouds, but I never really saw true reason behind a lot of things. I just trusted that one day it would all make sense. I think I see reason now though. But to say it aloud would be the same as acknowleding my happiness...Giving it power to prove me wrong, to send me back into a dark abyss of horrid depression.
I do not fear pain. I do not fear being depressed again. I never saw any chance that I would get out of it, and now that I am...Well, it's wonderful. If I happen to fall back into it, then it's whatever. I already know it. There is no surprise, nothing to fear really. It's just dull, boring...dark, and definitely lonely. But I lived there, I know it. It's familiar, more familiar then my happiness which is really kind of pathetic. I don't fear it though. Not anymore. I do, however, fear losing what I feel now. It's only been a week and a day. But I'm already growing accustomed to it. I love it. I love being happy. And I love why...But to admit it, again, would make it harder when I lose it.
I don't quite know if any of this makes much sense really. It seems to, inside my head, but the way I think has never been normal according to the rest of this world.
I've done this before, had spurts of happiness (nothing close to this though) during my darkest of days. But then I was dying for it. I was searching endlessly for a way of escape, a distraction of any kind, a way to get away from the pain for just a short while. But I wasn't looking. I wasn't thinking about distractions or escapes, or anything. All I really wanted was to get the night over with so I could go home and get in my warm bed and sleep in. I wasn't even excited before it happened. I didn't see it coming. Not at all. I wasn't trying to feel.
Not even when I saw him...It did nothing for me. It was fun, yeah. I enjoyed myself, of course. But I wasn't anxious, or nervous. I wasn't thinking "Is this a possibility?" Notta.
And then...He walked by...And I just...Threw myself at him. Before I could even realize what I was doing he had his arms tight around me and for the first time in my life I fit in somewhere. I fit perfectly...He and I were like two puzzle peices connecting together. I haven't stopped smiling since that pure blissful moment when we hugged (legit for about ten long drawn out seconds) on November 22nd, 2009 in Atlanta Georgia, at The Loft.
I didn't think about it then. Not when I hugged him a second time, or a third. Not when he smiled and put his arm around me. Not when he stared into my eyes and whispered flirtatiously in my ear. Not when I hugged him again, or again, or again. Not in the three hour car ride home. Not when I lay in bed trying to sleep. I didn't think about it. I just felt it.
Of course when I did start to think about it, I did so skeptically. Because it does not make sense and in no possible way could even work. I mean, really...He's a rockstar, and I'm no one. He's 30, and I'm 18. He's completely beautiful (inside and outside) and I'm just...Average I guess. When I think about it, it's not right. But when I don't think, when I just feel it...It feels more right then I can ever remember anything ever feeling before. I remember his strong arms, his dark eyes, his bright smile, his soft warm gentle feel, his lovely voice. I don't have to think about it...I only feel it. That's where this happiness comes from. Why I can't stop smiling, why all my dreams since Sunday night have all centered around this one man...
Because I think (I don't want to say I do. Not yet. No, No I don't!!!) I might possibly begin to have more then "fanly" feelings for someone so wrong for me (or more like someone so right for me but someone I'm so wrong for, bah!) who I have only met once. I suppose that is all it takes though. Even my mom, my mom for crying out loud! Said she thinks I'm falling in...in...In love with him. *Cringes* I'm still being skeptical. I don't want to think I am. Or say I am. I don't want to stop and think if I am or not or will or can...But when I don't think, I feel...I just feel.
I'm not hurting over my other love, my first love, my ONLY love...Not right now. I mean, I was getting SO much better, but still hurting. I've gone through SOOO much pain over him, and wouldn't trade it for the world...But the fact that I'm not suffereing over him anymore (Well, that's not entirely true. I'm not entirely healed, but much better then I ever expected or hoped to be)...The fact that I'm not having confusing mixed up feelings for my best guy friend anymore either should sort of tell me something right there...But I am afraid to face it.
Because I'm afraid to lose it. I don't fear the pain. I fear losing the happiness...And those are two very different things.
But...If, and I'm just saying IF...If everything DOES happen for a reason, and I AM seeing some reason...I think, well...Number one: If I had never felt the way I have for my first love then I would never have met my all time best friend Hollie. And without her I would not survive. I needed her all along. So that makes sense. I had to love him to find her. And...I had to go through the pain, to be appreciative. I had to see him with her, and feel pain to realize I did want him happy all along, and that I was happy he was happy with her, no matter my own pain. I had to live through that. It's a good life lesson for anyone! And if I had never found him in the first place I would have fallen down the wrong road in life like so many of my old ex-friends. All of them pregnant by seventeen, doing drugs, drinking, living in trashy places trying to raise babies they aren't ready for. Yeah, I needed to find him so I could find my right road in life. And of course through him, and two others, I found confidence and self pride. Two things you shouldn't live without. Things you need to survive in this world. Because of them I'm proud of who I am, and so determined to follow my own dreams. I'm not too shy and withdrawn and afraid to chase what I want. I needed them for that push. And I would never have had any reason to find my best guy friend. if I hadn't been in such insane pain that night...And I clearly needed D. in my life. So, that wouldn't have happened without loving K.
All of that I already figured out. I know it was happening for those reasons. But...What if there was another reason? What if (And ONLY if) that my skeptisism is wrong, and my feelings are right. What if this other guy IS what I've truly needed all along? Well...I NEVER would have found him if not for my first love. I never would have been introduced to this, if I hadn't felt what I felt before for my first love. And maybe, just maybe all the pain, and patience and just everything I gained and learned from loving him were really the tools I was going to need to love someone else, but I had to get it all through him first? (Still speaking IF here) But maybe then it makes even more sense. Has even more reason.
Wow...Long blog. I NEED to sleep, it's 4 am! Yikes!
Well, I don't know. I think I need to see him again, without thinking, and just feel it. See how it goes from then on. If I see him again things may be more clear...And I won't have to shy away from facing this crap, and I won't have to over anyalyze and be so skeptical (Which I'm usually not. I hate over thinking things, hah.)
"How can something that's so wrong be exactly what I need? Here comes trouble again! I better act carefully!" -Here Comes Trouble - Honor Society
Sighhh... MB...
-Brianna
I'm happy. Unbelievable euphoric even. I'm almost completely terrified to trust this joy. I don't want to lose it. And I don't want to admit the reasons behind it to myself. I know them. Everyone else knows them. I don't need to say it. It's quite obvious when the turning point was. But to say it aloud...To think it freely, to acknowledge it would make it final; seal the deal. Make it concrete. And therefore have the power to destroy me.
People always say "You can not love that which you do not know." I never believed that. I never lived by it. Because I know it isn't true. People also always say "Everything happens for a reason" Now that one I do believe. I do live by. And at times I could see postives through my negatives. I knew the silver linings of my darkened clouds, but I never really saw true reason behind a lot of things. I just trusted that one day it would all make sense. I think I see reason now though. But to say it aloud would be the same as acknowleding my happiness...Giving it power to prove me wrong, to send me back into a dark abyss of horrid depression.
I do not fear pain. I do not fear being depressed again. I never saw any chance that I would get out of it, and now that I am...Well, it's wonderful. If I happen to fall back into it, then it's whatever. I already know it. There is no surprise, nothing to fear really. It's just dull, boring...dark, and definitely lonely. But I lived there, I know it. It's familiar, more familiar then my happiness which is really kind of pathetic. I don't fear it though. Not anymore. I do, however, fear losing what I feel now. It's only been a week and a day. But I'm already growing accustomed to it. I love it. I love being happy. And I love why...But to admit it, again, would make it harder when I lose it.
I don't quite know if any of this makes much sense really. It seems to, inside my head, but the way I think has never been normal according to the rest of this world.
I've done this before, had spurts of happiness (nothing close to this though) during my darkest of days. But then I was dying for it. I was searching endlessly for a way of escape, a distraction of any kind, a way to get away from the pain for just a short while. But I wasn't looking. I wasn't thinking about distractions or escapes, or anything. All I really wanted was to get the night over with so I could go home and get in my warm bed and sleep in. I wasn't even excited before it happened. I didn't see it coming. Not at all. I wasn't trying to feel.
Not even when I saw him...It did nothing for me. It was fun, yeah. I enjoyed myself, of course. But I wasn't anxious, or nervous. I wasn't thinking "Is this a possibility?" Notta.
And then...He walked by...And I just...Threw myself at him. Before I could even realize what I was doing he had his arms tight around me and for the first time in my life I fit in somewhere. I fit perfectly...He and I were like two puzzle peices connecting together. I haven't stopped smiling since that pure blissful moment when we hugged (legit for about ten long drawn out seconds) on November 22nd, 2009 in Atlanta Georgia, at The Loft.
I didn't think about it then. Not when I hugged him a second time, or a third. Not when he smiled and put his arm around me. Not when he stared into my eyes and whispered flirtatiously in my ear. Not when I hugged him again, or again, or again. Not in the three hour car ride home. Not when I lay in bed trying to sleep. I didn't think about it. I just felt it.
Of course when I did start to think about it, I did so skeptically. Because it does not make sense and in no possible way could even work. I mean, really...He's a rockstar, and I'm no one. He's 30, and I'm 18. He's completely beautiful (inside and outside) and I'm just...Average I guess. When I think about it, it's not right. But when I don't think, when I just feel it...It feels more right then I can ever remember anything ever feeling before. I remember his strong arms, his dark eyes, his bright smile, his soft warm gentle feel, his lovely voice. I don't have to think about it...I only feel it. That's where this happiness comes from. Why I can't stop smiling, why all my dreams since Sunday night have all centered around this one man...
Because I think (I don't want to say I do. Not yet. No, No I don't!!!) I might possibly begin to have more then "fanly" feelings for someone so wrong for me (or more like someone so right for me but someone I'm so wrong for, bah!) who I have only met once. I suppose that is all it takes though. Even my mom, my mom for crying out loud! Said she thinks I'm falling in...in...In love with him. *Cringes* I'm still being skeptical. I don't want to think I am. Or say I am. I don't want to stop and think if I am or not or will or can...But when I don't think, I feel...I just feel.
I'm not hurting over my other love, my first love, my ONLY love...Not right now. I mean, I was getting SO much better, but still hurting. I've gone through SOOO much pain over him, and wouldn't trade it for the world...But the fact that I'm not suffereing over him anymore (Well, that's not entirely true. I'm not entirely healed, but much better then I ever expected or hoped to be)...The fact that I'm not having confusing mixed up feelings for my best guy friend anymore either should sort of tell me something right there...But I am afraid to face it.
Because I'm afraid to lose it. I don't fear the pain. I fear losing the happiness...And those are two very different things.
But...If, and I'm just saying IF...If everything DOES happen for a reason, and I AM seeing some reason...I think, well...Number one: If I had never felt the way I have for my first love then I would never have met my all time best friend Hollie. And without her I would not survive. I needed her all along. So that makes sense. I had to love him to find her. And...I had to go through the pain, to be appreciative. I had to see him with her, and feel pain to realize I did want him happy all along, and that I was happy he was happy with her, no matter my own pain. I had to live through that. It's a good life lesson for anyone! And if I had never found him in the first place I would have fallen down the wrong road in life like so many of my old ex-friends. All of them pregnant by seventeen, doing drugs, drinking, living in trashy places trying to raise babies they aren't ready for. Yeah, I needed to find him so I could find my right road in life. And of course through him, and two others, I found confidence and self pride. Two things you shouldn't live without. Things you need to survive in this world. Because of them I'm proud of who I am, and so determined to follow my own dreams. I'm not too shy and withdrawn and afraid to chase what I want. I needed them for that push. And I would never have had any reason to find my best guy friend. if I hadn't been in such insane pain that night...And I clearly needed D. in my life. So, that wouldn't have happened without loving K.
All of that I already figured out. I know it was happening for those reasons. But...What if there was another reason? What if (And ONLY if) that my skeptisism is wrong, and my feelings are right. What if this other guy IS what I've truly needed all along? Well...I NEVER would have found him if not for my first love. I never would have been introduced to this, if I hadn't felt what I felt before for my first love. And maybe, just maybe all the pain, and patience and just everything I gained and learned from loving him were really the tools I was going to need to love someone else, but I had to get it all through him first? (Still speaking IF here) But maybe then it makes even more sense. Has even more reason.
Wow...Long blog. I NEED to sleep, it's 4 am! Yikes!
Well, I don't know. I think I need to see him again, without thinking, and just feel it. See how it goes from then on. If I see him again things may be more clear...And I won't have to shy away from facing this crap, and I won't have to over anyalyze and be so skeptical (Which I'm usually not. I hate over thinking things, hah.)
"How can something that's so wrong be exactly what I need? Here comes trouble again! I better act carefully!" -Here Comes Trouble - Honor Society
Sighhh... MB...
-Brianna
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