I adore him!

So I haven't blogged in dayyys. I don't even know how many days. I was patheticly angry I think, in my last blog...Said I was "done" And so didn't blog after.

I got a guitar for Christmas. He's lovely. Very beautiful. I simply adore him. And his name is Michael (For reasons I don't care to explain) :)

I learned chords E, C, D, A, annnnd G. And I know E minor and D minor too. I just can't play them at a normal speed. Haha. And I strum well, but the whole finger pickin thing isn't as easy as it looks, at least, not for me.

But yeah, I've only been playing a few days, so I'm proud of my progress!

I never want to put him down. I just sit here strumming him randomly when I'm not working on chords. But man do my fingers HURT! Sigh. All part of the process though. :)



Hm. Bad news, my sister can't take me to Nashville January 4th to see a special someone. And that means I have to cry my way into convincing my dad to take me. WILL. NOT. BE. EASY!

Fingers crossed!

Welll, goodnight my loves. I'm not tired, but, I have nothing more to say. Hah.

-Brianna

Definition of pathetic: Me.

I should be happy right now. It is after midnight, which means it is the 22nd, which means it is one month today since I met him. (Seems SO much longer)

That should be something to make me feel giddy and want to dance.

So why am I crying?

I am so pathetic. All I ever do is talk about how pathetic I am! Which just adds to my patheticicity! I have no way to get things out anymore. Good or bad. I talk about how happy I am, and people just get annoyed with me and call me obsessed. I talk about how depressed I am and people just get annoyed with me and call me emo. Can I never win?

This is it then. How it will always be.

Just me, all alone. Always sitting here, crying to myself. With no one to talk to and nothing to do. Just reading and watching the same things over and over for some small temporary peace of mind.

I never see my friends. Why? Because they have lives. They do stuff. They go to school, go to work, go to church, hang out with their other friends, go out to eat, go to the movies, whatever! They have lives.

I just sit here, cooped up in my house, never doing anything important. When I'm depressed, I try to distract myself, I can't face it. When I'm happy, I embrace it. But still, I have nothing to do. EVER. No one ever invites me to do things. And whenever I make plans to do things, people ALWAYS cancel and bail on me. No matter what, story of my life.

I just want to get out of here. I want to get out and far far away. I want to be happy, always. I want to do stuff. Something, anything! But what is there to do when you don't have a license, or a car, and aren't finished with school, and can't get a job to save your life?

Definition of pathetic. Me.

Doesn't matter if I am happy because I'm so delusionally "obsessed" or whatever people are saying about me now. It was nice, to be happy, after so many months of depression. I was content. And though the deluded happiness is not fading, the depression is returning. Both are trying to coexist inside of me.

I may just explode.

The only things I can rely on are fictional people and worlds, or people who barely know I exst and are too far away too hurt me.

I am not pleased by this. Sure, I'll feel better tomorrow. But really, I'll just have this SAME rant in like a week, or a month, or two. It never goes away. I always feel this way. Alone. Always alone. When I expect someone to understand, or to try and help me, and something...And then it backfires I just...It takes a toll on me.

I should not be crying. I should be happy. One month ago today I found happiness. Happiness, that I am sure, will never really be satisfied. That part will catch up with me soon.

Maybe I'll just delete this blog. It's not helping me, getting all this crap out. No one cares. I don't even care. It's not like I'm talking to someone and they are giving me feedback...It's just me...All alone, and this little box I'm typing into. What a wonderful relationship that is, I must say. Hmph.

I am going to listen to my Wizard Rock, watch my Lord of the Rings, and read Harry Potter, and maybe, just maybe I will feel better. It's sad, that I usually only find peace of mind when I run away from my own world, and hide in a different world that is not my own. So pathetic.

Pathetic.

Done.

People make me mad.

People judge to much.

People assume.

People do not know how I think.

People do not know what I feel.

People do not know what is right for me.

People do not know what is wrong for me.

People go out of their way to bring me down.

People try for the argument.

People annoy me.

How do I get away from these people, when everyone is like that, at one point or anyother! Sigh. I'm done. I'm just done. Whatever.

Holding on is easy. Letting go is hard.

I. DID. IT.

AHHHH!

I. LET. GO.

Oh holy crap!

I think....I think I let go. Feels like it. I'm smiling again. (of course, I've been smiling for over a month now, due to...someone. But yesterday the smile was gone. I got it back now. Due to letting go, and improvising. Hah!)

Okay, so I'm not THAT happy. But right this moment I feel SO much better. I ate something, that was important, and helped a ton. My headache is gone. I'm not lightheaded/dizzy anymore. I don't feel weak...In fact, I have an urge to get up and dance as I listen to Two Rebels...That may be because of a dream I had in which I danced with someone while they sang that song to me. It was, strange, but lovely. That was the same dream that he gave me something and said "It is mine to give to whom I will." Which totally made me think of Lord of the Rings, my favourtie movies. Because in Two Towers, Arwen says that to Aragorn when she gives him the evenstar. Ahhh. Anyways.

"And together we can run away, just YOU AND MEEEE!" Jeeze, this song is powerful for me.

Annnyways, short blog, again. I didn't get too far into Fellowship last night. I fell asleep before they even left the Shire! Before even Bilbo left! So now I'm going to try again, which means I'm getting offline soon. It's a looong movie. But it will only make me feel even better I bet.

Anyways...I'm glad he is happy now. That, at least, puts some measure of peace in me. For I was always fighting for his happiness and my own. I just didn't realize that it would entail two different roads. I don't know mine anymore. I feel like it's pointing in a specific direction, one in which I love, but...I don't want to make any promises to myself again.

I had my whole life scripted, but I'm tossing it to the side. Those words can't tell me nothing. Now I have to improvise. :) Siiigh.

Holding on is easy. Letting go is hard. <--- My best guy friend said that to me, the very first time I talked to him on the phone. I remember trying to argue with that statement, because at the time I was fighting, using all my strength to KEEP holding on. It felt hard. But he was right. That was the easiest thing...Holding on. Letting go was hard. One of the hardest things I am sure to ever experience in my entire life.

"But I know that in the end, I'll need some time to take the pen, and write a chapter on my ownnnn!"

-Brianna

I have to let go.

So I don't feel good. There are reasons behind that. It has nothing to do with my physical health, which is okay at the moment, but my emotions tend to screw with it from time to time...This is one of those times.

I was hoping to avoid this. But I can't.

I now much do the one thing I always swore I wouldn't.

My entire being rebels against it.

But I have to.

I have to let go.

...Going to go put on The Fellowship Of The Ring and try to sleep. Tomorrow will be really really unbelievably, unbearably long. But...I will get through it. Somehow.

Gooodnight.

"We had our whole lives scripted, but we tossed it to the side. Those words can't tell us nothing! Come on baby, let's improvise!" - Two Rebels by Honor Society.

It almost helps the headache...Almost. :]

-Brianna

In love?

Aye, Jack Sparrow!

Lol, watching Pirates of the Carribbean; At Worlds End. I remember one year for halloween I dressed as Will Turner and my bff was Jack Sparrow...Oh good times.

Buuuut anyways.

I am currently working on something for him at the moment. I realize not knowing when I will see him again is almost painful. But I know I WILL see him again, so it's not so bad. And the others too, I need to see them. Just to hear them first hand might be enough...Might. No, no I need to see him. More then that, I must feel him again. I've been craving his hug ever since the moment I last felt it.

I was talking to my brother last night about relationships, age difference, and love. And well, the age difference crap he wouldn't say anything about that wasn't absolute negativity. But he was talking about how people think they are in love all the time, and don't realize that they aren't. He said "When you are really truly in love you will know it. And every other time you thought you were would stand out so obvious that you think you're crazy for every having thought you were before. But when it's real, for real, you're going to know it." And so I thought about them. I've determined I love him. But am I in love? I don't want to say yes and I don't want to say no. First of all, how could I be? Honestly. Don't know him well enough, and only met him once. But it just feels so right. How can it not be? Jeeze. I don't know. But if I was in love, wouldn't I know? Wouldn't I know it without having to think about it? I think so. But I don't want to claim my feelings to be more then they are...And I don't want to claim them to be what they are, if that is what they are.

So I realize that I can't figure this out now. I need more to go on. I need to see him again, I need to feel him again before I can say with complete confidence "I am in love with him." or I can say "I love him, but that is it." I want to know. But when I think too much I lose reason and when I feel and only feel, I can't be certain. What I feel is strong, but....Is it that strong? I just...I don't know.

I should be afraid to love again. But I'm so thrilled to be feeling the way I do. I wonder how I haven't loved this man all my life.

Tonights blog = Short blog. Probably shortest blog since my very first post, because I haven't got much to talk about now and I've got plenty to do.

"Do you trust me enough, if we become two rebels?" - Two Rebels by Honor Society.

Sigh.

-Brianna

Promise

So it seems to me that people expect me to say different things to him then I do. Everyone thinks I pulled out the most originally annoying and lame question "Do you remember me?"
Honestly. Every single soul asks that question. And A. I'm not like the rest. And B. I don't want to be like the rest. Hah.

But asking for a specific something, and then having him hint that I may get it is a very lovely thing. But so so so much more lovelier then that is asking him to make a promise, and him doing so.

I asked him to make me a promise. And most people would think it was a stupid thing to ask for when it's sort of unspoken that it would be that way anyways, but I had to ask. It's just who I am. I wanted that promise, my happiness was banking on it.

Because I realized even if I am never 'with' him. Even if he never takes any interest in me. Even if I am chasing after this man for the rest of my life, never to be satisfied, I will still be happy, in just loving him. I love him, here and now. And he, well, he barely knows I exist, which is better then nothing, but still...Normally this would be a depressing thing. But even now, knowing I am nothing more then but one piece of an entity of people he loves, and probably will never be more then that, I am STILL happy. In loving him I am joyful. Just having him around, to see and hear, in that particular sense makes me beyond cheerful...And that's all I need. I want to be with him. I want him to know me. I want to know him. I want him to know me more then I want him to take immediate interest. I just want to be in his life, and have him in mine, whatever way possible. If it remains the way it is now, loved and admired guy always in the spotlight, and little lonely girl standing in the crowd, I will still be content, at least, for now. I wish, more then anything it was a friend to friend relationship. But that will have to wait for now.

I just know I need him, in my life, in some form. And he promised. I told him I needed that promise, that he will always do what he does. That he will never stop. I told him my happiness was banking on it. I told him he had to promise me. No "maybe" would do. I needed his word. And he gave it to me.

That right there meant so much. I teared up then, knowing my happiness was garunteed now. I don't have to fear losing it. I'm so happy now, and he doesn't love me. It doesn't hurt me, that he doesn't love me. I know the deeper I go into this, and the more time that passes, it may start to hurt me. But for now, I am happy. And I don't have to look over my shoulder for that depression and pain to sneak up on me. Because it won't! If it does come back, I think it would be more gradual. I don't think it will hit me spur of the moment.

When the first of my blackest days arrived back then...My other love, my first love...I found out that night that he was with her. As if that was not enough to crush my heart....That same night I lost my grandfather. The depression built off of more then one kind of loss. And I was never truly out of the dark after that night. I had good distractions. And my best guy friend, well he was wonderful. He brought me to the surface, he gave me some life again. But I was walking the line, always teetering, never happy enough, always still too sad.

But now...Well, I am out it seems. I haven't been so happy. I remember watching some movie a few nights ago, and the girl in the movie was talking about being in love with the same guy for 3 years, and he didn't feel the same...She went on about how those three years she was in love were the most depressing and terrible years of her life. It's not supposed to be like that! Love is supposed to make things bright and beautiful and enjoyable.

I'm not saying I wasn't happy loving my first love. He gave me so much...So so much. He gave me purpose. I was happy loving him. But the longer I was in love, the more pain I felt. The harder it got, the stronger it grew. Then the point came when I was no longer happy, but still in love. Painfully in love. I lost the happiness of it when he was in love with someone else. So maybe when the day comes that this guy falls for someone, maybe then, if I still love him, I will fall into darkness again. I want to say "I hope that doesn't happen." But I can't, because it would be a lie, in one way at least.

I learned my lesson before. I need to see those that I love happy. If they aren't happy, I have no reason to breathe. As long as they are happy, my heart will beat, no matter the torturous pain I go through for every beat. I learned that before. I needed him happy, and he was happy with her...And I survived, somehow. So if the time comes when he falls in love, and if he's happy with whomever she would be, I would probably fall into my darkness, but it would not kill me. Not if he was happy. My heart would be obliterated, but somehow it would still beat with the shine of his smile, so long as he was happy.

It's a lesson we all must learn I think. If you love someone, and yet can't be happy, to some degree, when they are happy, even if it's not with you, then you never truly loved them. I care more for his happiness then my own. It will, without a doubt cause me pain. But I can survive if my love is happy. If he's surviving.

The point is, I am happy. And that will not change any time soon, because he will be in my life. He will keep doing what he's doing. He will never stop. He promised me. And so I am content.

I know it's obvious to everyone. How I feel I mean, about him. And I know all of them think I'm in another phase. That I don't really love him the way I do. And to be truthful, if it was one of them coming back from meeting someone one time and saying they feel all this crap, I would have probably said "Yeah right, you meet once, and bam you're in love? I don't think so." Not that I am narrowminded or skeptical, but it does seem ridiculous. I do believe that one time is all it takes, but I never expected me to be the one in that situation. And so I am going to try not to let it bug me when people voice there opinions of my feelings as I am sure they will at some point or another. But I do love him. I can not deny it. It's crazy! It's only been 24 days! Jeeeze! That's like no time at all! I actually thought it was more, until I just counted. Lols. Wow. I honestly thought it was more then that. No wonder everyone thinks I'm crazy when I say I love him! Lol. Even I think I'm crazy for saying it!

It's true though. I don't know if I'm in love. It took me a LONG time to determine that with my first love. I didn't love him right away. It grew, gradually. But I was so in love with him. My scars haven't fully healed from him...When I see his eyes, his smile, hear his laugh...The laugh always gets me. My heart sort of throbs where the wounds have scabbed over...

I think maybe, when I see him again, I might be able to figure out how deep these feelings are running. And then to breath again! Oh man I can't wait. Though I feel like I sort of gulped the air through his comments to me. Not enough, just barely breaking the surface to let some air down my lungs before falling under the water again. Not enough to satisfy my need for air, but enough to keep me going, for now.

Ohhh on another note: I finished my gift for Whats-His-Face! I'm so excited. It's the best one I've done yet too! Which is good, because now I can make others and they will be good too, since I finally got the hang of it! :D

I also started my Besties birthday present the other night. I think I'll have to work on it every night to finish it in time. But I have over a month, and I might very well need it! Haha. But I'm excited about this gift for her, I really think she will like it. I hope anyways. Haha.

Okay, so, I'm going to take me and my lovely happy dancing singing butterflies up to bed soon. It's almost 4am! I was going to bed early lately, and waking up early. But it's hard to fall asleep when running on a high of talking to him, however briefly, through myspace comments. :)

"You're giving me great expectations, that love could happen again. It's so hard to be patient, when your breath is on my skin. You got me so high tonight, I don't ever wanna come down. No. Don't let these great expectations hit the ground." - Great Expectations by Honor Society.

<3>

-Brianna

I love him

I have realized something. I go on and on about these butterflies, his butterflies, that live inside of me. Well, I don't get them like I used to get butterflies for other guys.

Before when I liked a guy, if I saw his name, or heard his name, or heard something that reminded me of him, or saw something...Anything relating to him in any way, I would get those butterflies. But that's not how these ones work. I hear his name all the time, and it does nothing for me. I see things all the time that make me think of him, but the butterflies don't spring into motion.

But my friend texted me the other day, asking about him. And seeing his name in that text sent a wave of emotions rolling through me. I didn't understand why at first. But I do now. It's because the guy who texted me was refering to him. Not just anyone with that name. Not just anything. But my him. Sigh...I say my like he's mine. Not what I meant. I don't claim to own him. And I will not oppose someone who shares my interest. I will not be the girl who says "You can't have him, he's mine." Not gonna happen. Besides, that's just annoying and really unattractive.

But anyways. It doesn't do anything for me, to hear or see things relating to him, unless it IS him. Seeing his name in that text, in the context of it being the one I feel for made me so high on happiness and love. And then tonight, when that specific someone commented me on myspace, seeing his name there, made me go wild. I'm still smiling from that one.

And I also realize listening to him and seeing him do different things for me. When I listen to him, all my senses shut down, except for sound. I close my eyes, and see him, in those memories I have. And then, when I see him, I see nothing else. No one else.

I don't remember if I mentioned my dreams or not on here. I think I may have. But it's like my dreams. Used to, when I dreampt, I remembered every detail of the dreams. And I had a lot of dreams that weren't even about me. I could recall most words said, and every person in the dreams. Where they took place. I mean I would write stories and songs based off of dreams sometimes. But now...Well....All I could tell you about my dream is that he was in it. I remember him in the dreams, and everything around us, all of my surrounding vision is just a blur of colors. I know people are there in the dreams. But I couldn't name a single one of them. Just me and him. And in the dreams, every time we hug (Happens a lot) he sings quietly in my ear. <--- Think I may have mentioned that in a post before.

But yeah. He's like...Altering a lot of things in my life. Not me. I'm the same. But like I said at one point of another, everything looks and feels different now.

There was once I time I would never ever be lucky enough to ever get anything from anyone like him. But I did. I met him. I hugged him, he hugged me. We had a conversation. He saw my comment, and commented me back. Him...Not whats-his-face, not snazzy, not the other yet to be nicknamed gent...Just him. And the thing is....I expected that comment. I don't know why. Didn't know he was online. Just went to myspace, saw I had a comment, and as I waited for the page to load I braced myself for it, because I knew it was them. And then it was. And I was still surprised. I don't know how I knew. I mean, I knew I left them a comment, but that was hours before.

I need to see him again. And talk to him. Feel him. It's all I want, right this moment. I couldn't be any happier then I am...But, I keep saying that and getting happier still. Like last night I learned that they are FINALLY making a movie of The Hobbit!!! I have been waiting for this for YEARS! It was the first book I read to be honest. And after they made The Lord Of The Rings, which are my favorite movies and books, I have been waiting for them to make The Hobbit into a movie. Annnnd even better, my beloved favourite movie directer Peter Jackson, who did LOTR is doing The Hobbit too! God Bless that man! Haha.

I was so jazzed about that I couldn't fall alseep, cause I found out at like 3am. So yeah. My happiness continues to grow. Not all of it because of him. But he gave it to me. And he continues to add to it. So do other, smaller things. But he controls it I think. I love him. I admit it. I love him a lot. Too much. And so he can obliterate me. I'm terrified he will. I've been broken before. I know it happens. I know it's unintentional, and I know it hurts like hell. I know it's not easy to escape. And I know you never quite heal entirely. I don't want to go through that again...Not with him. And I don't know that I will.

But as you know, when I think about it...I get too skeptical. It's not just that he is 30 and I am 18...It's that he is him, and I am 18. Any typical 30 year old probably would be into younger girls anyways. But not him. Even if by some miracle he saw something in me...He wouldn't act upon it, I am sure. He's too much of a gentlemen. Too respectible to go after someone so much younger then him. Unless he really truly loved the person, I don't think he would consider it. And that sad thing is I don't even look 18. I look like I'm about 14. It's beyond pathetic. But I love him. And when I forget about all those details, and just focus on the love, and focus on him, and feeeeeel it...I am in a heaven I never knew.

It sent a thrill through me, that he said my name in the comment. That's weird, isn't it? Ah well. I am strange, this we know. I need to see him. I have to. Nothing can stop me. I don't care if I don't have a ride or cash, I will walk. I'm not kidding. I have to see him. If I see him again, and this all fades, then I'll know it wasn't real. And if I see him, and it only gets stronger, I'll know it's real. I won't try to fight it anymore. I'll love him, and maybe, just maybe, one day, he could love me too. Maybe.

"You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing. I need to find you. I gotta find you." - Gotta Find You by Joe Jonas

La-la-la-lovin life. :)

-Brianna

Cravings

I love being happy.

I was thinking the other day, about that. Wondering if I loved him, or if I loved the happiness. Which was really sort of stupid. I wouldn't be happy if not for him. Every time I try thinking about it, and my skeptisism kicks in, I start looking for different answers. I don't know why. All reason points back to him. There is absolutely no way I can deny it when I see him. It's impossible to think about in those moments. My feelings take over and block out everything else. I don't know why I continue to question it. I think it's fear. I think I am trying to find a way out, a hidden passage that will lead away from it all when the happiness turns on me. But it won't turn on me. I don't think it will. Even if it's like a thirst that is never quenched, I will always retain this happiness. At least I...feel so.

Thinking is a bitter sweet thing. Sometimes it's best not to think. But other times logic is the best tool a person can posess (<--- Think I spelt that wrong, hah.) I suppose it's only the matters of the heart in which your mind knows absolutely nothing. I don't know if there is any right and wrong when it comes to loving. There's no such thing as too much love. But maybe too little.

Ahh hm...

I don't know what else to talk about. This is going to be a short post! Yay! I need to go to sleep soon anyways. Woke up earlier then I am used to today, so I'm needing some quality time with my pillow. Hah that sounds really odd. Oh well.

"She said "I know he's your best friend, but you're the one I wanted." Then she reached for my hand and I started to lose control. We both care about him, so how could we so careless? It's a no win situation. Either way we're going to lose. It's a no win situation, falling in love with you." - No Win Situation by Honor Society.

Hm, yeah I'm also stressing over being able to see them again. If my sister takes me to see a certain someone in Nashville in January, (Whoa, certain someone just tweeted hah.) But yeah if she takes me then there is NO way she will take me to see them later on in January/February unless they come here. And they won't. It will be Nashville, Atlanta, Maybe Charlotte, Birmingham...All 3-4 hours away. She won't do it. My mom can't. My dad never would, except maybe for Nashville. I don't know if anyone else will be going or not. Maybe if any of my friends go to see them when they come around here we could go together, but that's still a long shot. Most won't be on weekends, and none of my friends go on weekdays. I know it won't kill me to go without seeing him, but my heart is yearning for him. Constantly. Just to see his contradicting eyes face to face, and hear his laugh first hand. To feel his arms around me. To smell him. Just to have a conversation, simple and sweet. It's rather strong, craving him.

Ohhhh this is unimportant. Got a bestie break down going on. Byeeeee!

-Brianna

Changing Pictures

I still do not have HBP on DVD. This is extremely upsetting. I went shopping today, but the places I went didn't have it. :/ Annnnd I barely got any shopping done. But I did buy my brother a book he's been wanting, so, that's something at least. I just finished another homemade gift for one of my friends too, dunno which one yet. Still need to hit up more stores to get more stuff. I've been doing good, making one each night. So I'll have them all done by the time it's Christmas. I may be giving them to friends before, or after Christmas though, depending on when I get to see them. Everyone is just so busy these days. I'm even busy, to some degree, which is clearly saying something. Hah. And then the others, well I won't be seeing them for at least a month, so I have plenty of time to perfect them. :)

Oh and it's only a little after 2am tonight! Usually I don't do the blogging thing till like 3:30am. I'm getting better! Slowly...Keep waking up early, running low on sleep, so I'm gradually falling back earlier, which I've been trying to do.

Okay, I'm hungry...Snack time, be right back!

So it came down to a hot pocket or a peice of chocolate cake. Miraculously I went with the hot pocket. Haha.

Anyways, I don't like when people are narrowminded. Maybe my problem is that I am too open minded, but really, I think it's better that way, or, at least a good balance between the two. It irritates me when people can't see things a certain way because they aren't letting themselves be open to the possibility at all. And it doesn't just bother me because most the time I'm on the end of which they can't see, but it bothers me that they miss out on so much. They watch the world through half-lidded eyes, and if they just opened them up all the way, and just let themselves believe the possibilities of anything, life would be more fun, less stressful. But some people can't be swayed. I won't try to sway them. I don't even express these views to them. I don't know if I have it in me to call someone out on the way they live just because I don't agree with it. I mean, on that level anyways, it's not hurting anyone. It's not like someone doing drugs...That I would voice my opinion on openly and proudly. I'd tell em straight up how stupid they are. But honestly, I don't like to judge people. I don't know what goes through their mind. I've been the object of peoples judgements all my life. It bothered me when I was younger, until I learned not to let it get to me. When I was proud of who I was, I would even get some satisfaction out of seeing people look at me and immediatly forming an opinion on me because of how I was dressed or what I would say, or the fact that I talk so loud, and my annoying laugh radiates a mile wide. It doesn't bother me much these days. I just wish people weren't so incredibly narrowminded.

I've always been different. The outcast in the crowd. It was only these past few years of my life I started fitting in somewhere, to an extent. Being a part of big exciting things and not being alone. Having true friends who were friends to my face and behind my back. Having people who weren't obligated by a blood bond to care about me. I treasure it more then anything really. Even some friends I have who are narrowminded, I still love them. Wouldn't dare trade them for anything.

Hm...I think I got off topic. Hah, what was my topic again? My annoyance with the narrowminded folk, right. Well, yeah you got the point.

Today I took a look at some things in my life, not fully realizing the things that I wasn't happy about. I've been so absorbed in my illogical joy that I didn't stop to look, with my bright new eyes, to see what was wrong. I have two very very good friends, who I haven't spoken to in months. Haven't seen them in even longer. I don't have a clue what's going on in their lives. I mean they could have dropped out of school, or moved over seas, or gotten engaged and I wouldn't know it. I don't know if this is my fault, or theirs, or a combo deal. But I don't like it. I mean, I've been friends with them for six years! That's a long time! So why now should we be getting so distant? I have so many memories with those two. So many good ones, and a ton of bad ones. They are the only two friends I have from before the turning point. Back when all my other friends were partying, and getting knocked up, and smoking all sorts of killer drugs, I only had two friends who didn't go down that path and leave me all alone. It was just us, pulling through sanely, away from those wrecked middle school years, and the begining of high school. We made it out, without having changed into someone else. But now I feel like I barely know them. I'm really not happy about this. It's a big black smudge on my pretty bright window.

I know friends grow apart. I know it happens. It's the way of life. But I was so sure I'd always have them. Always, without a doubt. Now I don't know. I'm not so sure anymore. And this distancing, which is only growing rapidly in the wrong direction, is making me scared. I haven't lost them yet. I know if I called them up in the middle of a break down, they would be there for me. I know that. And they know I would do the same. The depth of friendship has not changed. Never can I'm sure. But the nature of it has. And is.

And so it makes me afraid of losing others I have gained more recently. I mean, I love ALL of my friends. And sometimes there are some things you can only do, or talk about with a certain friend. I have that with all of my friends, certain sides of me that only are open infront of them, while not infront of others. Sometimes it's easier to joke with one friend, and easier to get emotional with another. But I can be myself in my entirety with my Bestie. And I'm not saying we have a perfect friendship. Me and her have gotten into fights before, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. Was very emotional. Me and her are so alike, and so different. And we agree to disagree, because sometimes we think in exactly the same way, and get the same conclusions. And other times we think the same but come up with different conclusions. And then there are times we don't think alike at all but still get the same conclusion, or think nothing alike and get different conclusions. It could go any way with us. But when I'm in my deepest darkest places, she takes care of me. And when I'm beyond happy, she shares in my joy. And I can trust her with anything. Things I haven't told anyone before, things from a long time ago, or recent things, doesn't matter, she knows them all, and she doesn't judge or condem me for anything. She always gives me good advice, even if I'm too stuborn to listen to it, it's always good. And our friendship is really strong, though we barely see each other or hang out due to lack of time.

She's been my Best friend for almost two years now....And I can't stand to think that in a few years me and her would grow apart, like I am now with friends I've known for the better half of my life. I never thought that would happen, and yet it is. I really don't think it would happen anytime with this Best friend, because we've gone through a lot together, and still are. We're still on a journey that will never really end. And even though my original goal in the journey failed, I never veered off course. Even though my purpose of the journey may be changing, I'm still on it. Because she is on it. She's got her course set, and it's not changing. We both know where she's going on this road, and I will not abandon her to travel it alone. And once she reaches her destination, I will still be on the journey with her, because her journey will be the same, just a little different. I am so certain me and her will never grow apart. How could we? When she's going to get where she's going, and though the picture now looks different to me, it will still be one big happy family, full of friends and smiles. I'll be in the picture, I was always in the picture, I just didn't always have a smile. And I thought, when I knew who would be standing next to us in that picture, the new addition, I thought it would kill me. I thought I had left the picture, that she took my place. But I'm still in there, with my best friend, and her best man, and his best men, and their girls, my friends...And me. Maybe, just maybe I won't be an extra wheel in that picture. Perhaps I will have a best man too, at my side, all smiles. Like it's supposed to be.

If the picture turns out how it's supposed to, then we won't grow apart. We're already part of a family that's just not complete, not ready for the picture to be taken because not everyone is ready for the flash. :)

Ah ha don't we love how Brianna can go from one topic to the other like that! And go from one emotion to the next like that! Haha, yeah well...It's whatever. :)

Think I'm going to go work on Besties Birthday present until I'm tired enough to sleep. I am determined to finish it in time for her party because she will absolutely looooove it! I haven't even started her gift for Christmas yet, which comes before the party. Haha. Ah well.

(Side thought: I see it. Not as clearly as I feel it, but I can still see it. Which is weird. I like feeling it more then trying to see it though. I'm afraid of jinxing things. Hah!)

Goodnight bloggers.

"There is a time for everyone, where they decide who they'll become. The leap of faith where fights are won. I know I'm not the only one. It's a long way up. But I won't stop. I'll sing for the broken hearted. I'll sing for the dreams that won't come true. And the music won't stop playing. Tonight I sing for you. I'll dream about the place we started. Hold on to the past I can't undo. But the music Kept on playing. Now tonight we sing for you." - Sing For You by Honor Society

<3

-Brianna

Afraid of Friends?

So today...Oh, well it's 3 am again, so technically speaking yesterday Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince came out on dvd and...I didn't go buy it. :
I am very unhappy about this little turn of events. I always, always, always, without fail buy things like that the day they come out. Books, cds, movies...Whatever it is, if I'm a big enough fan, I simply must do it that day...And here, I have failed my Harry Potter fanness (<---Not a word.) So yeah, very lame. I'll probably buy it tomorrow...Gah, I can't even afford to buy it! Oh this sucks. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

In other news: I completed another homemade gift. Have not a clue who this one goes to, it seems everyone I make looks like it should go to Whats-His-Face. But I think I may have messed this one up, so I don't even know. I also realize that I am running out of the stuff I need to make these things, and the ones I'm making for my Bestie and other friends I don't have the right kind for, so I need to buy more of it, and it's not exactly cheap. I mean, it is cheap, but when you have to buy a ton of the stuff it ends up being a more expensive gift then you planned for it to be. Haha. And I'm broke! Ahhh! I. NEED. A. JOB!

I ate more chips tonight. Super shame on me. :/

It's been raining, it's a peaceful sound, but there are 7 cats (3 adult, 4 kittens.) outside my house (They are my neighbors, but he doesn't take care of them, so really they are mine...My dad would kill me if I brought them inside though. I already got 3 in the house!) And they are getting poured on...I made a small sort of shelter against my house so they could escape the rain and wind, but I don't know how much it helped. Though they were all curled up in a mega tight ball last I checked...Well, only 6 of them were...I haven't seen Coke tonight, but he's out there somewhere I'm sure...

We got all the lights up on the Christmas tree. I totally made my mom listen to Honor Society and Jonas Brothers the whole time. Usually we listen to old old Christmas songs, but I was telling her about HS covering White Christmas, and she wanted to listen to it, then she asked me if anyone sang lead other then Michael, so I put on Rock With You so she could hear Jason, and then we went through the whole cd, and went on to Jonas after that. It was fun. Tomorrow we'll put the rest of the crap on the tree, like the garland and ornaments, which is really my favorite part.

Also, Christmas cookies! We're going to make our Christmas cookies soon! It's tradition, for us, to make a ton of different kinds every Christmas. I don't remember the names of some of them, but they are soooo good. And we do it homemade too. If we make a lot, I'll probably send some to friends or something. Maybe then my creative gifts won't suck so much. Haha. :P

So I decided that after I get my announcement, and have everything figured out about it, I'm going to quit cold turkey! Okay, that's a stretch. I'm not quiting entirely. I can't turn off these constant feelings, but the thoughts, the reminders...Those I can easily direct away from me. At least I think I can. I haven't really tried to not think about something that doesn't cause me pain, but I think I can handle it. I just have to get out of some newly created routines, simple really. And I already have the thoughts under good control. Without reminders should be perfectly easy. I'm going to go all cold turkey for as long as I can. Maybe until I see him. Now I know when I'm on my way to see him I'll be thinking about it, that will be inevitable, but it will be a while, more then a month I'm betting, before I see him again. So to feel him, almost brand new like that...To break the surface and breathe after being under for sooo long will probably be like the best feeling in the world. I know Bestie did it for a few days, or weeks, something like that, and it was wonderful for her...So I know I'll be experiencing something like that, maybe more direct for the face to face thing, but the power of it is the same...Well, no, not the same. But close. Hers has to be stronger though.

I realize that I have several friends who want to see them too, whenever. Which means I may not be going alone like last time. And I never really liked going alone before, until now. Having them all to myself was blissful. But to go with friends, would still be fun, more fun for the begining portion I bet...But after...I don't know. I might have less time with him. I'd have to share. I don't want to share. And not just that but I think some others may not understand...I don't even understand, but they will probably think I'm being stupid and poke fun at me, making me feel stupid, which will cause me to act abnormally around him. I do know I have one friend whom I would not have that problem with...She understands everything, even when I don't, she gets it. Always has, always will. I wouldn't be worried about going with her, not one bit. But others...I love them, I love all my friends, but sometimes some of them don't get you on that level you need them to, and when you try opening up and then getting it thrown in your face, just isn't fun.

I've had experiences before, where I liked someone, and couldn't be myself around them because I had friends there, snickering and embaressing me....I didn't have to try to be myself with Him...But I was alone then. If I had friends rolling their eyes and laughing, I wouldn't be able to feel that freedom of being me, and not being nervous. I'd be more nervous around him with some people there, which is completely stupid. I know. Most people like to have their friends there supporting them on emotional matters....But this is different. I trust my best friend enough to know she wouldn't make me feel more awkward...She wouldn't make fun of me, at least not in a way that would hurt me, or embaress me. But others would, I don't think they would be trying to hurt me, or make me feel awkward, but that would be the outcome none the less. Gah, why am I so complicated? Sigh.

I hadn't thought about this beforehand, till today when it was mentioned, and then I realized friends may be going with me, or me with them, or not going together, but going to be there together...Shouldn't bother me. It makes me more worried. I'm not worried to see Him again. The thought doesn't freak me out, not like when I liked guys in my class back in school and I felt nervous just to see them sit two rows away from me and not make eye contact, lol. I'm anxious, but I'm not afraid. I have butterflies, but not the scared kind. As much as this doesn't make sense to me, it's starting to, more and more, in odd ways. Suppose it's bound to work like that, I am one big contradiction afterall. :P

Anyways, I'll just keep letting this thoughts out while I wait for my announcement. Then it's quiting time! Until I see him....Sigh. I truly can not wait (Metaphorically. I really have to wait, duh. Hah.)

Love this song so very much --->

"Please wait while I slowly untie my tongue, tonight. I pray by some feeble atempt my words will tell you what my heart has to say. Cause you've always been right beside me for so many days, how could I be without you now? Cause I am changed by you, the more I get to know you, the more I want you close to me. And I'll take care of you. Please just say you'll let me, forever be whatever you need. And so if you're supposed to get what you deserve in life, then you came just in the nick of time. Gods grace has over taken me. My love, needless to say I am blessed by you, Cause you are the one, the one I've been waiting for. I've been waiting for." - Changed By You by Between The Trees

-Brianna

Random Thoughts

The problem with eating chips is that you have no power to stop, even if you aren't hungry, your hand will continue to venture into the crinkly bag and pull out some crunchy chips to shove into you mouth. It's inevitable.

And I love when I'm listening to this soft quiet mellow song that is purely instrumental, on my playlist, and then it jumps to this loud rocking song with an imediate sick beat and hyped up guitar then someone going "Woo!" Haha. It always startles me when that happens, but I love love love this song. (Rock With You by Honor Society)

So I realize that I have done okay with not mentioning someone (Well, not really okay, I only went two blog post, not something to celebrate over) But I have mentioned him, in some form of context on twitter and facebook, and my mother said something about him, so we talked about it for several minutes. Over all, I'm not doing good with that yet. I don't need to think about him, I don't a lot actually, which surprises even me. But I like to think about him. I remember before, in my "dark days" when I tried so so hard not to think about things that would trigger my emotions in any way...I would run from my thoughts, shy away from them, cowering in the corner, always so desperate to distract myself....It's nice, not running from my thoughts. I like that I have pleasant thoughts, and the fact that he isn't consuming all of my brain power even when I do think about him. I can multi-task my thoughts with him. Think about a ton of things at once....Well, maybe not a ton of things, my mind aint that big...But a few things. Hah.

I dreamed about him last night...It sort of reminded me of that first time I dreamed of him, months ago, before I even cared about him. I don't know what my simple joy with hugs is really. But it's always the hugs for me. Haha. In my dream he kept hugging me, and singing quietly in my ear each time. It was so vivid. Only the parts with him were vivid, I don't remember much else. I don't even know who else was in the dream, though there were a lot of people. Oh well, unimportant. Just a VERY good dream. Makes me want him more. Sigh.

I wonder if I really buckled down on the whole "Not thinking about him thing" and took away all reminders, like my music I fall alseep to everynight...I can easily change it out with something else...I can change my desktop backround, my ringtone, I can not visit twitter so often....If I did all that, I wonder how good it would feel, when I was freshly brought back to it. I haven't gone a full day without some kind of inclination toward him since he became the object of my affection. And I know from genius besties personal experience that it's wonderful. I think I'm going to try it, for real try it. Maybe not this week though, since I need to keep my eyes open for an announcement that will let me know when I get to see him, in person, again. After that though, I'm going to do it. Just for the heck of it. See if I can first off, and then feel the even-better bliss my bestie was going on about. Ohh...But what if I keep dreaming about him? I don't know how to turn those off, lol...Ah well, maybe without sleeping to that sound I wouldn't dream about him anyways. Though, I used to dream about someone else every night that I dreamed, which was just about every night...Hm...Well, I'll see how it goes. I'm guessing the announcement I'm waiting for will occur within the week, so once I got that settled then I'm going to hold off on him.
Ohhhhh maybe, if I can, I could block him out, all the way, until I see him face to face again. Wow. The thought of that kind of joy is just, wow. Haha. I don't know if I can do it, but maybe I'll try...Then it would be like the first time all over again! Oh, how lovely.

Note: Bag of chips was about 1/4 full when I started this blog....Now there's barely any whole chips left, and a ton of little broken ones. Chips are a curse. :P

And now I have a strong desire to watch Lord of the Rings, but, it's 3am, and it's a 3 hours movie = Not going to happen tonight. Perhaps tomorrow I'll watch it, if I have time. :) <--- I like the way this smiley looks. When I do smileys like that on twitter or facebook they don't look as happy. Hah, I'm so freaking weird!

Oooooo!!! "I hope this doesn't make you cry, but I don't wanna make you mine! I've told you for the millionth time that I don't need you in my life!" - Don't Tell Anyone by Nicholas Jonas. Hah, forget I had the old old stuff on this playlist. :D <-- see! Just so happy!

Also, I finished another one of the things I was making! And it actually doesn't suck! Ahh I'm excited! Now, this one might go to Whats-His-Face, or to Him. Hm...I need a better term for him then just Him on here, though I don't want to use names. Of course the one person who reads my blog knows so I don't see why it matters, but I don't feel like shouting it to the world at the moment. Ah well I don't know. I'll come up with his official name for my blog later. As of right now he is just Him. Ohhh and another one of the people whom I don't want to name, that I met just once (Who by the way he smells soooo good) Well, he's going to be refered to as Snazzy! Because this friend of mine applied that term to him and it fit really well, and made me laugh so from now on the oxymoron guy is known as Snazzy! (Yeah, his last name is an oxymoron, another thing that friend pointed out to me!) Hm...Might as well find a term for everyone else now while I'm at it, and bored to death. Okay we have Him, Whats-His-Face, Snazzy, and the fourth will beee...Okay I used to be good at code names but I'm epic failing now. I'll think of one for Him, and the other later...Also for my first love, and those other two...Need ones for them. Sigh I talk about these people a lot. Lol.

Ohhh "Dear God, people take your words and try to twist them round. I know you can't be happy with what's going down. I'm searching for some answers, but they can't be found, can you help me out? Dear God!" - Dear God by Nicholas Jonas. More old stuff. I am lovin it! :] <--- Happy happy!


I realize that I have to get to Nashville on January 4th, and haven't a way to get there. Probably going to bribe my sister to take me, but if it turns out I have other places to go in January/February too (Still waiting on that announcement) then I won't have a ride to some of them, because there is no way my sister will take me out of state more then once in one month, no matter what the bribe is. This is not good, because I'm already obligated for Nashville. Spent the $50 and all...and I HAVE to see Him when oppurtunity shows itself....Oh this is going to be a hectic, wonderful, but hectic start to the New Year. Haha. I don't know what I'm going to do. This is my selfishness speaking by the way, in case you didn't notice. I'm only thinking of myself, gah. I don't want to say I can't help it, because that's just stupid. Being selfish is a choice, not something that just happens. At least I know I am though. First step is admitting you have a problem. Haha! Siiigh.

I know what I'm doing for Besties birthday! It's going to take me a while so I'm glad she's planning this thing for the end of January, but if I get it done she will indeed love it, of that I am sure. My Christmas gift may suck since I lack in the creative skill I need, but the other thing, well, that's a whole other story. Ha ha ha! ;P

"So the bar tender who tends to pretend that he's concerned says 'girlie girlie you're at your best when you're sober' and she slurs 'no no, just one more!' and one turns into four. The fourth drink instinct is taking over and the gentlemen is leading her towards the door. So what made you think that he couldn't find the door in the morning? When he found that bed so easily in the dark! And what made you think that he couldn't find the door in the morning? When he found that bed so easily in the dark. She thought that she could buy happiness by, by the bottle. " - Fourth Drink Instinct by Cute Is What We Aim For

-Brianna

Being Selfish...

I didn't really realize that the orange juice carton in the fridge was the original kind. You know, like where you push it back then pull it open? I thought it was like my carton of fruit punch, which just has a cap on the side. Needless to say, when I took the orange juice out of the fridge and shook it, juice came flying up into my face. I felt really stupid. Haha.

Also, we finally got out Christmas tree today! We decided to put it infront of the living room window this year, instead of in the middle of the wall like we typically do. It makes the room seem smaller cause it takes up a lot of space, but I like it. We start the decorating process tomorrow. And speaking of decorating, as always, my dad has outdone himself on the lights outside. Anyone who knows me probably has seen what my dad does. It's crazy. But gets better every year. I should take a picture and post it or somethying. It's really worth seeing. :)

Wow. So I'm watching the tv guide channel because nothing is on. And one of the listings said "Hollys World" and then right after that there was one that said "Holmes on homes" Lol. made me think of my besssstie! Oh and now Demi Lovato is on the screen. Hah...Anyways...

Hm...Well, I really feel lame. I have no idea what to talk about. My mind seems to be blank at the moment. Not that that's a bad thing. Usually my mind is a rush of thoughts I try to run from. Empty thoughts are kind of nice. But I do have a headache...That I don't like so much.

Well I finished one of the things I was making last night. Took me forever. And I don't even know if I'll use that one, since the ones I'll make after will hopefully be better. At the moment it's remaining a tester. But if I do use it, I know who it'll go to. Whats-his-face. (His official referance on my blog, lol.) My one-time-met-best-friend-who-won't-remember-me. Yeah, he gets the crappy trial and error gift. Haha. No, I probably won't use it anyways. It sucks. Which makes me think all my gifts are going to suck, and I pride myself on my gift giving. I love the people in my life so much, so I try and make my gifts something they will really like, to show my thanks and appreciation for them. I hope I don't fail at that this year.

Hm, it's almost been a year since I first met one of my best guy friends. And it has almost been two years since I first met my genius best friend (That's her official reference on my blog now...Genius bestie! Lol!) Feels like so so so much longer to be honest. But I must say, these past two years have been the most memorable so far...Not just because of her, but everything I went through, with her there, helping me through it the whole time.

And right this moment I am watching reruns of The Nanny and listening to See U In The Dark...And I just realized that my playlist on the computer is missing at least 50 bands I like. I gots to remember to go download that stuff. I mean, really, I'm missing all my Secondhand Serenade and he is one of my favs! Sheesh. I have all this crap on my dads computer, just not on mine...Which I hate with a passion by the way. But that is unimportant.

Soooo, since I was unable to make it to the places I needed to go the other day, it seems tomorrow will be my job hunting adventure! Yay! I'm not looking forward to working, but I need money unbelievably bad. Seeing as how I owe my dad a ton of money for my phone bill he's been paying since April. And of course money for Christmas shopping...I'm bout out of cash now. And then the fact that one of my friends already secured me a ticket to go see someone special in concert in January...I got to pay her back 50 bucks for that whenever she, or her mom I guess, needs it. And then other special things I'll be needing money for in the near future.

Gah, I feel so unbelievably selfish right now. I keep thinking about how "I want this..." and "I need money for this..." and blah blah blah...Etc. I'm usually not so self centered, honest. It's just this happiness. While at times I'm feeling even more selfless, I know I'm being very selfish. I'm selfish for wanting to sustain my happiness. Keep it intact, and strong and whole. I don't want to lose it and so I would go to extremes to keep it. And not even think about the more, much much much more important things in life...Like starving children and homeless people, and uncurable diseases! That is what I should be striving to help. What I should be putting money to...Not things for myself. Ugh...Someone should slaaaaap me silly. Really.

Ohh headache is getting much worse. I should sleep soon. You know, I think I could do well if I lived in L.A....I'm already on a normal sleeping schedual for that time zone. I can't seem to keep up with my own for a long period of time. Sigh. How lame am I? Lol.

Another realization to hit me...I'm happy. And I know my lifelong excuse for not writing on a daily basis to my bestie is that I don't like writing when I'm depressed. That it's no good then, and I'm never inspired. And I don't have that excuse right now. I'm always happy, cheerful, chipper, giddy, you name it, I'm it. Soooo I will very much soon be writing. I don't exactly know what at the moment. I might take a trip back to my old old stories, or just continue my recent ones. Or I may start a new one...I'm not sure. But soon, very soon, I shall have something written.

"The way we're living makes no sense. Take me back to the age of innocence. I want to go back then, take me back to the age of innocence. When pharmacueticals where there to make life beautiful. When the way that we were born was more then suitable. When everybody thought that they could make a difference. And you couldn't get your pics within an instant." - Hollywood by Cute Is What We Aim For

<3

-Brianna

Harry Potter Will Never Die

Today I'm blogging about one of my favorite things in this whole wide world. Harry Potter. I could even go as far to say that I almost love Harry Potter more then everything else combined...Almost. Haha.

Today I got to see the first trailer, sort of, for Part 1 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and boy did a rush of memories just flood through me. I'm so excited for the movie to come out. But it totally brings me down. Number one reason of that is: I can't stand for good things to come to an end.

I already suffered, and am still suffering the end of those books. Now I just have to relive it to a less severe degree through the movies. I mean, I'm never satisfied with the movies, but this is ALL I have left to hold onto in the Harry Potter world, that's new! The thought of having nothing Harry Potter related to look forward to is sooooo just...Not right.

Harry Potter was, without a doubt, my first love. My best friend. My helping hand. My shoulder to cry on. It was everything to me, silly as that might sound. Sure, it's a fictional world. Just a book. It's not real. But it would take more then those pessimistic words to make me agree to it. Because Harry James Potter is every bit as real as you and me. In some form. I know for one he will always be a part of me. And I am just one of millions...Of billions of devoted Potterheads.

J.K. Rowling is a hero to me. Harry Potter was the begining of my turning point. That's what kept me sane, and happy, it's what kept me from being the girl who went to parties and got drunk at a too young age like all the others in my class. I was so absorbed in the world that was so much more then my own that I prefered sitting at home in my bed, curled up with my blanket and something to drink on the nightstand with my book in my hands. More then half the time I fell asleep with the book still open under my face...I did not want to put it down.

I have never met another Harry Potter fan who has read those books as many times as I have. (Over 100 times each.) I'm not saying I'm the best or biggest fan...Just one of the most absorbed perhaps. It's like when you have a bad day, and you just want to go to someone and vent, and feel the relief of letting it out and having someone say "It's okay, I understand" Well...That was Harry for me. I jumped into those books because I had nothing else. I had family, and friends, but some emotions can't be put into words. Some things you don't feel comfortable talking about to anyone! Harry Potter was my release. Unlike most the teens I know, who turned to drugs and alcohal and sex...I turned to books. To the unknown worlds that didn't exist in mine.

I remember the first time I read Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone, I was in middle school, in detention I think...And we were supposed to be reading. I didn't have a book with me so grabbed one of the shelf. It was Harry Potter. And I read it in about two weeks. So then I read the second one...I only read them during school time. But after the second I NEEDED the third, and it took off from there. I started reading them in my free time, and wizzed through them in days...In just hours. I never knew I was a fast reader before, I never knew I liked to read before Harry Potter. I never would have liked writing if I had never picked up that book that day.

It's always my favorite place to be...In the wizarding world. And though my books came to an end...I still had it. The movies (though nowhere near as good or exciting) were still coming out. J.K. Rowling came out with The Tales Of Beedle The Bard...That was something. And then I found Wizard Rock. There are hundreds of bands that play wizard rock, more comonly known as Wrock music. It's alllll about Harry Potter really, and I simple love it. It was one of my best distractions and outlets during my dark days to be honest. I even wrote some of my own wrock songs. So, really, the books will always be on someones shelf, somewhere. And the movies will always be in someones dvd player, sometime. And the music will still be listened to in someones headphones somedays.

Just because the books came to an end, and the movies are soon going to be done, and wizard rockers may eventually stop writing their songs, that does not mean Harry Potter is over. Harry Potter will never die. It will never end.

It's just like Lord of the Rings, I mean those books came out years and years and yearssss ago. Decades ago! And people still read them, still love them. They go through each generation really. And so will Harry.

Harry Potter lives, through the books, the movies, the songs, and in all of the hearts of all of the fans. He is real, as far as my eyes can see. And I will always cherish everything I got out of the world.

I know Twilight fans and HP fans sort of battle it out over which is better, but really, how stupid is that? This one smart dude said something like "It's not fair to compare the two series, when they aren't going after the same things. They aren't trying for the same goals as books, and so you can not say one is better then the other." I agree with that completely. I mean, I love Twilight, but honestly I DO think Harry Potter is better, but it's an opinion, and I have good reasoning for that opinion.

If you took a Twilight fan, and took an HP fan, and asked them to tell you what they got out of the book, I bet you anything the HP fan would have alot more meaningful things to say then the Twilight fan. Because Twilight, though a good story, doesn't have any morals, or messages really. At least, I don't see any. But Harry teaches you about the power of love, and strength of friendship, and the difference between right and wrong, and sacrafice, and bravery, good vs evil...There is so much. The books helped shape who I am today. But I got nothing out of Twilight, other then a good read for a fantasy love story. That's it.

But anyways, I just wanted to talk about that. Harry Potter is one of the subjects that, when you get me started on it, you WILL have to stop me, because I will go on, and on, and on, until I am forced to stop. I love it so much. It's one of the best things in my world. Books...Oh how I love books.

On another note: Those creative gifts I'm trying to make for all my beloved friends is becoming a freaking pain in the butt! I know I said that in my last blog, but sheeeeesh! I thought I would be better at this, but, I was a freshman the last time I tried, so, four years later I guess it does me no good. So, dear friends, if my gifts to you suck, I'm sorry! Lol. I'm trying! :P

Haha I just realized I say "So" a lot in these blogs. Gah, I'm such a dork. I mean, really, I write these drawn out blogs, probably full of gramatical errors, which bugs me...And it's not even like anyone reads it...Well, I know one person, maybe two...But I'm lame. But writing these feelings out is a good release. Kind of funny, how I start releasing my bottled up feelings when my feelings are good. I should have been more releasing when they were bad! Would have helped loads I bet! Ahhh siiigh. Haha.

"His breath gets short and his chest gets tight. But he's sixteen and he's driving too fast. Takes a turn to the left, it would be his last. Nobody knows what happens if he turns to the right. Nobody in the car would have died that night!" - Wasted by Cartel

:)

-Brianna

Just Like Breathing...

Chocolate covered pretzels = YUM. You know I'm all about the contradictions. The whole salty-sweet combo is fantastic to my taste buds. Hah.

So I am currently trying to make something for that new-found-best-friend-I-met-just-once. Actually I'm not even sure it's gonna be for him yet. I just thought of him while working on it...But let me tell you it is a PAIN. I have to keep starting over cause I'll mess up, and not realize it till it's too late. Driving me crazy. Good thing I'm starting these things now...May be a while before I see those guys again, but I'm going to need a while to get these right. And of course the stuff I'm making for my besties...That's going to take me a while too, and Christmas isn't too far away! Jeeeeeeze! (<---Why do I say that? It's not a word! Haha!)


On another note, I realized that these feelings, while some of the strongest I've ever felt, are so so simple. Honestly....Let me just ask you: How much do you think about breathing?

It's like that. The feelings. I don't go through my day counting my breaths, or analyzing the amount of air I take in each breath. I don't think about breathing at all, it just happens. It's natural, no reason to put any thought behind it. The only real reasons I would think about breathing is if I had pain in my chest, or I went running and was "Out of breath"

Simple as that. No reason to think about it, unless it's causing some kind of discomfort or pain. But you feel it constantly. You need it to survive for crying out loud! (Not saying I need this to survive, that would be a stretch.) But really...

My feelings for this guy are so wonderful, I'm always so happy. I can go about my day without thinking about him at all! Sure, I dream about him every night, but that I don't control. Sure I see him when I turn the computer on, or whatever. Sure I hear him every night as I fall asleep. But I do not think about him. He's just there, inside me...My heart I guess, or, I'm assuming. Lol.
The whole "Think don't feel" thing is just puuuure bliss. I am ALWAYS feeling him. Always, but I don't have to think about him. This is something I never discovered before now. I don't need him to be a constant in my mind, because he's already a constant in my heart. (I still don't get why I couldn't realize this before with someone else, but whatever. It's all for a reason, duh.)

Basically, it's like breathing, metaphorically. Always there, always feel it, keeps me healthy, alive, and not something to stress over or worry about (Unless you're like a chain smoker or something, thankfully I'm not! :P)

I guess I never realized my thoughts and my feelings could keep seperate company. But they can. They can coexist, without colliding, and I freaking love it! (I'm not saying I never think about him, I mean, all my blog posts have revolved around him to be honest. He's on my mind this moment, and not just because he tweeted something right now. Hah.)

Wellll, why I don't a take a tip from that genius friend of mine? (She's doing this epic thing called "Not obsessing" haha. Smart smart girl!) Let's see how many blogs I can go through (Starting tomorrow) without mentioning him once. But that doesn't include song lyrics I post at the end of each blog, because I listen to that band too much. (Yeah every time I post song lyrics at the end, it's always the song I'm listening to that moment, just saying...) Hah.

Now, time to get back to making this pain in the butt gift for whats-his-face. Hehe :P

"I am what I am. I can't help myself. And if you don't like it get with somebody else!" - I Am What I Am by Jonas Brothers <3

-Brianna

Post-Freak Out.

I had a bit of a freak out last night. I was very unprepared for it. I guess I was just so caught up in being happy, that I didn't look at it that way. It's quite plain to me that I'm in pretty deep. Too fast. But it's not like...Like last time I fell. It's much faster, yet much slower, all at the same time. It's much more simple, and yet way more complicated, all at the same time. I don't really understand, but I don't need to. Remember, I'm not supposed to try and make sense of things.

I'm not freaking right now. I'm good, my smile still intact. I did some Christmas shopping today. I've decided to be creative and make things for all my friends. So, I have to go into the making process, but I bought the stuff I need, so I'm excited. I freaking LOVE giving gifts. Honestly, it's the best thing in the world. Haha. I'm even making something for him, and the others for next time I see them. Not something grand, and not something that says "Oh hey, by the way, I might be in love with you." Just something simple, that says "Thanks for doing all that you do." And that's a good message to send off to someone you might be falling for, right? Well, either way, I'm sticking to it. I got to at least show my appreciation, even if I don't let up on this massive swirl of emotions inside of me.

I don't think I mentioned this before, because all I've been talking about is him. But there are some other guys, not as significant to me, but still, quite wonderful. Well, I realized that one of these guys feels like my best friend. I know that's odd, might even be more odd then my unexplainable feelings for the other one I've spoken of. I've only met them once, but there was just something about this one that makes me feel like, like he's my best friend...Almost brotherly even. It's weird, but I like it. I love friends so much. They're more like family to me. Even the one's I'm not so close to. But I have a small group of friends I would die for in a heartbeat, I love them so much. Friends are good...And so the feeling that I have this new friend (Though he won't see it that way) makes me, astonishingly, even happier.

My freak out last night hasn't been forgotten, but pushed to the back of my mind. I'm not thinking about it. Feeling is better. And if the fear ambushes me again, then I'll just feel it, and deal with it, and so on. I guess I was just really startled by how deep I was getting. I hadn't fully registered that, and the fear was powerful...Powerful enough to demonstrate it's capability to obliterate me. And the thought of going through that all over again...I didn't register. I wasn't afraid of falling back into darkness, right where I left off from it. I was in a dull numb stage sort of. Horrid, but bearable. But to be thrust into it from the begining, to go through all over again, freshly, maybe even differently...That is pretty scary.

But I have peace of mind when I close my eyes and see him. I love it. I don't have to think about him. I don't think about him nearly as much as I thought about...Someone else. I'm just trusting the instincts, just feeling it. And it's not distracting, just a pleasant thing going on inside of me while I go about my day. Which is really good, since I'm filling out applications to get a job. I doubt I could have gotten, let alone held, a job when I was in my dark abyss. Stupid boring lifeless zombie I was. Sheesh...Hope that never happens again.

I like this happiness, and it's where I want to be. Despite any obliterating that may come from it in the long run. I have a feeling it'll be worth it...Just as everything I went through before was worth it, and had reason.

Welll, off to go make something for him, and others. :)

Love is wonderful.

Life is good.

I am happy.

"I can feel your butterflies. If we kiss will they fly away?" - Two Rebels by Honor Society.

Siiigh. <3 MB

-Brianna

Stupid Fear

This water in my eyes is unsettling. This panic in my chest such contrast to the pure joy I felt just minutes ago. But now, now I see things crashing down around me I hadn't thought about before. I'm not supposed to think, I already got that one figured out. It's all about feeling. But now, as these thoughts of horror swirl through my mind I feel the fear inside of me. How can I turn off the thoughts when I feel it too? Jeeze!

I was doing great, awesome really. I was about to get offline to go to sleep, it's really late...But I was hitting up youtube, because I remembed something I wanted to listen to . Why oh why couldn't I have just forgotten to listen to it? It's beautiful, and wonderous, and I love it. But it sent the spasm of horror through me that has my heart clenching in a disoriented panic.

I didn't want to think about it. I already argued with myself over this stuff! I was happy! I was happy I was happy! I didn't care what happened afterwards! So why now am I so afraid? I knew letting myself accept this would have the power to destroy me...But I can feel now, that it will obliterate me. And I'm afraid.

I thought about the differences, the unlikliness, all of that. But I didn't think about the only logical outcome...Of him being with someone at some point or another. I was just happy to feel this way. I didn't think about that! But I know, I know that has more power to hurt me then anything else, because I lived through that, suffered day by day through that....But I survived, I'm still here, still alive, even happy! Did I not say that those were things I needed to go through! Why would I have to go through it twice? Go through it all over again with someone else so the pain is fresh and new? I don't know that I am now...Just the thought, the possibility is what struck me. I have no real reason to believe it to be happening currently, or even soon. I just hadn't given it ANY thought...I was only feeling (Which is what I'm supposed to do! Gah!)

"You're giving me great expectations that love could happen again. It's so hard to be patient when your breath is on my skin. You got me so high tonight, I don't ever want to come down, no. Don't let these great expectations hit the ground. Don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go. Don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go, don't let 'em go." - Those are lyrics from a song.

A song called Great Expectations by Honor Society. It's new, or new to fans anyways. They've been playing it during the last few soundcheck parties on the last dates of the tour. I knew there were videos on youtube of it, but kept forgetting about it, till tonight. I watched, in awe, and listened, in horror. Do those words not describe exactly how I feel about him right this moment? The thought occured that those are words describing how he feels, or has felt, or will feel about someone else. I didn't have that fear before. I didn't even fear the obvious fact that he would never feel what I'm feeling for him, for me. That didn't scare me really...So why does the thought of him with someone else horrify me! I do not understand. Suppose it takes me back to that whole "love is illogical" stuff I talked about before. But honestly, I don't like this fear. I don't like it. I want my happiness, and no more interuptions! I don't want to fear. I was fearless with this! I only feared losing my happiness. I didn't register that the number one cause for me to lose this happiness would be for him to find happiness in someone else. But gah, hadn't I already stated the fact that I am WRONG for this man? Doesn't that fact include that someone ELSE is RIGHT for this man? It seems I'm pretty unobservant about some things when I'm in a state of cheer.

Well, I'm tired, so I'm heading to sleep. If I have bad dreams tonight I swear I'm going to flip! I mean I freaking LOVE this song, a lot. It's going to be one of my favorites out of all of their songs I can tell...But it sent this horror through me. :/

Well here's the video of them singing the song if anyone is interested...It really is quite beautiful. Odd, how I never saw his beauty before I held him...Before he held me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltdOgYIZc2o

"You're giving me great expectations, that love could happen again!" Siiigh... MB <3 >

-Brianna

Changes...

So, now that I figured out everything to some degree, I don't quite know what to say in here. I mean, I ranted for two long blogs the past two nights about my confusing skeptisism...But as I decided it doesn't matter...No more reason to talk about it. What fun is there in displaying the contents of a non-existant love life, no matter how happy it makes me feel...It'll bore the world to death. Of course, the world isn't reading this...Maybe one person, possibly two. But anyways...

*currently listening to "My Everything by Push Play - Check it outtt!*

So, everything in my world looks different, feels different. This is not a bad thing. But I've always been one to shy away from change. Even good change, it just unsettles me...When things are a specific way for a long period of time, it's difficult to adjust to change. Before now...I would see it as bad, even if it's not. Because I do not like change. Simple as that.
But now...I don't know. Everything is different...I remember saying something about the shifting of my world in my last post...Well, that pretty much sums it up. My entire world shifted, so everything came into view...A different view. I like it though. It's like...Like all the colors are brighter, the shadows sharper, the sun hotter, the rain wetter...Life is all the sudden better.

...Someone I love quite a lot made a change that had me sobbing into my pillow just last month. I was worried, and scared...I don't like change. But tonight, seeing that someone take center stage and just own it...There aren't words for the way it made me feel. The change still mystifies me. I still am not exactly happy about the small change. But to see it, see him shine so brightly...I swear, that boy must be an angel. I've always secretly wondered if he's hiding wings under his shirt, no joke. I was so proud. Beyond proud. It was different, but not bad. I even teared up, I didn't cry, but I teared up. I know though, when I see him next month, see it all again, first hand, I will be even more proud, and more impressed, and probably cry. That angel has always taken care of me, even if he is unaware of that. And I will never falter in my support and love and devotion for him. Change is different...But we must always be open to new things, to the unknown. We shouldn't fear the unknown. I think he did...I think he was uncertain how the world would react...How they would take to it...But I think pretty much most of them agree with me, that it was a proud moment, and our love for that angel only grows stronger.

I never really realized how clouded ones vision was when they are depressed, left in the dark. I had no idea that I wasn't seeing. I don't really want to use this example but it's one some people will underdstand so...It's like in Breaking Dawn, when Bella opens her eyes for the first time as a Vampire...How she went on about how she never really saw Edward before. How her new sight put it in such sharp focus, she had no idea what she was missing...Well that's how this happiness feels. I didn't know it before, in my darkness, that I was blinded to a lot of things. But now, with this new happiness everything is sharper. The old things are even better, and the new things are blowing me away. I just...Can't even describe it really, but I'm sure you get the point.

The world hasn't changed. My home hasn't changed. My friends haven't changed. My books haven't changed. My music hasn't changed. My movies haven't changed. I think it's just me that's changed this time around. I mean, I'm still me...Of course, I haven't changed like that. My personality is still the same, my mind set, my soul, my face (unfortunatley, hah) is all the same. Just the way I see has changed, and what I feel has changed. Maybe even my heart has changed...Feels like it. I must say, this change is not something for me to shy away from in fear of the unknown...No, this change is something I will embrace with every fiber of my being.

I realize that when I was sad, depressed, lost...Whatever term you wanna use, when I was in that horrid place I couldn't get out on my own. I tried, endlessly, and I couldn't understand why I couldn'd find any peace of mind at all. I thought I was doing it right. I thought I was trying anyways, I prayed every night, several times a day, I just cried to God, pleaded really...And I couldn't understand anything.

Now that I'm free of that weight, of that pain...Now that I'm not drowning in it I can see! Everything is making sense (sort of) and falling into place (I hope) I couldn't really see before. I couldn't think right. I wasn't trying to my full potential...I was over doing it. I was over thinking...Now I know it's not about the thinking, it's about the feeling. Why I didn't see that before must be because all I felt was the pain. But now that I'm free of it...I can feel...Everything. I think now I can get closer to God, as I've been wanting to for a long time now. I can feel, I don't have to think. I don't have to try, I just have to let it be.

That knowledge is a greater gift then anything else I believe. I indeed have much to be thankful for. More so then I knew. I never felt so weightless before! So free! Really, there is absolutely nothing like feeling. Forget it. Don't think it. Don't try. Just feel! Let yourself feel it...Whatever it is. Feel what you need to feel, and forget everything else. It's the best feeling in the world.

So, on another note: I'm going back, watching things I'd seen before, listening to things I'd heard before...They all have new meaning now. I never got butterflies while watching those youtube videos before. I never grinned so widely with my heart thumping fiercely in my chest while listening to those songs, but now...Now it's alll different. All because of him.

I can feel it now, even through this happines, I feel as if I'm under water. And when I see him again...No, not when I see him...When I feel him again I will break through the surface to gulp down the fresh air my lungs are burning for. I indeed can not wait to breathe again. I've never been good at holding my breath. Hah.

"If you could see my soul, these walls would surely shatter. If you could see my soul, our differences won't matter." - See My Soul by Push Play (Song I mentioned in my last post)

Ahh, life is good... MB <3>
-Brianna

Yo, that's illogical...

So I just had something pointed out to me by my best friend. I said something on twitter about my butterflies not making sense, and she said if I keep trying to make them make sense, I will lose them. FACT: My best friend is a genius.

And she is freaking right! The most common sense thing that I didn't even think of myself! Hah.
It's simple as this Love. Does. Not. Make. Sense. Love is illogical, it always has been, since the dawn of time, and always will be. I mean, come on, think about it? A classic, Romeo and Juliet had no clue what they were doing and it ended horribly, there was a ton of logic lacked in that love story. And then the new found favorite of every teenage girl in america, Twilight. A vampire and a human? It's forbidden love, always. And they definitely had some issues but they did get a happy ending. I mean, really, what does it freaking matter anyways!

Ohh random side note: I'm currently listening to this band called Push Play (because, like I said, my best friend = genius hah) and this one line in this one song seriously just struck me, I had to rewind and listen to the line, just the one sentance three times before I let the rest of the song play. This is what it said "If you could see my soul, These walls would surely shatter. If you could see my soul, our differences won't matter anymore. Letting go of the history that's come between us all. If you could see my soul, What I'm worth on the surface." WOW. There's more, now that I'm listening to the rest of it, but man...Jeeze...Gah.. Sorry. Back to my love isn't logical rant.

So anyways, what does it matter if I'm falling in love with someone I've only met once? (There I said it! Falling in love! Hah! Why should that scare me?) And what does it matter if he's 11 years and 7 months older then me? And what does it matter that he's the object of hundreds of other girls dreams? What does it matter that I couldn't possibly be right for him when he seems so right for me? What does it matter that everything about him suddenly gives me butterflies? What does it matter that this new found happiness he gives me could have the power to utterly destroy me? HAVE I NOT BEEN DESTROYED BEFORE? HAVE I NOT ALREADY GONE THROUGH ALL OF THIS? GOTTEN USED TO IT? FAMILIAR WITH IT?

...Why should I be afraid to love again?

Love is illogical. It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense. It's not supposed to...Not if it is love. Sure, he won't take interest in me I'm sure...But even that thought isn't sending horrid aches through my chest. Maybe in time it will, depending on how far I end up falling. But to be completely honest I. DO. NOT. CARE. I haven't been this happy in SOOO long. I can no longer try to deny it....He makes me happy, makes me smile, gives me butterflies like freaking crazy. He's taking center stage in my dreams now.

I would not have thought this possible before. I didn't even consider it. I didn't think "Oh I'm in love with this guy" before I met him. I thought he was cute, sure. But I didn't think he was beautiful...But now, it's all I see. After meeting him...He changed everything that moment I was in his arms. Like the entire world just sort of shifted so everything looked and felt different. Shifted just enough so that my black hole was upside down and I fell out on firm ground with the sun a contant thing in the sky. He did this. I don't know how, and I don't know why. And it does not matter. I do not care.

I'm happy. Because of him. That may change at some point, but right now I'm just going to enjoy it. It's wonderful. Feeling so free!

Do not, however, get me wrong. I am not entirely healed, as I had hoped. My first love, I saw him today, extremely distantly...My heart skipped some beats and I had no words or thoughts. It was silent, errie really. I know that he will always be a part of me, whether I want him to be or not. But I do. He shaped who I am today, and I thank God for every moment...The moments I smiled, and the moments I suffered. I wouldn't want to take it back, and if I had to relive it a thousand times over, I would, gladly. I will always love him. Always, no matter what. Maybe the way in which I love him will change. But it doesn't matter. He is happy, and that makes my sun shine out the clearer. I thank God for every second. I don't think I deserved the good, and more then deserved the bad. And I doubt I deserve to be as happy as I feel now, but I don't care. It doesn't matter...

I'm illogical.

Love is illogical.

Life is illogical.

Yo....That's illogical, but I can have it. :)

-Brianna