I adore him!

So I haven't blogged in dayyys. I don't even know how many days. I was patheticly angry I think, in my last blog...Said I was "done" And so didn't blog after.

I got a guitar for Christmas. He's lovely. Very beautiful. I simply adore him. And his name is Michael (For reasons I don't care to explain) :)

I learned chords E, C, D, A, annnnd G. And I know E minor and D minor too. I just can't play them at a normal speed. Haha. And I strum well, but the whole finger pickin thing isn't as easy as it looks, at least, not for me.

But yeah, I've only been playing a few days, so I'm proud of my progress!

I never want to put him down. I just sit here strumming him randomly when I'm not working on chords. But man do my fingers HURT! Sigh. All part of the process though. :)



Hm. Bad news, my sister can't take me to Nashville January 4th to see a special someone. And that means I have to cry my way into convincing my dad to take me. WILL. NOT. BE. EASY!

Fingers crossed!

Welll, goodnight my loves. I'm not tired, but, I have nothing more to say. Hah.

-Brianna

Definition of pathetic: Me.

I should be happy right now. It is after midnight, which means it is the 22nd, which means it is one month today since I met him. (Seems SO much longer)

That should be something to make me feel giddy and want to dance.

So why am I crying?

I am so pathetic. All I ever do is talk about how pathetic I am! Which just adds to my patheticicity! I have no way to get things out anymore. Good or bad. I talk about how happy I am, and people just get annoyed with me and call me obsessed. I talk about how depressed I am and people just get annoyed with me and call me emo. Can I never win?

This is it then. How it will always be.

Just me, all alone. Always sitting here, crying to myself. With no one to talk to and nothing to do. Just reading and watching the same things over and over for some small temporary peace of mind.

I never see my friends. Why? Because they have lives. They do stuff. They go to school, go to work, go to church, hang out with their other friends, go out to eat, go to the movies, whatever! They have lives.

I just sit here, cooped up in my house, never doing anything important. When I'm depressed, I try to distract myself, I can't face it. When I'm happy, I embrace it. But still, I have nothing to do. EVER. No one ever invites me to do things. And whenever I make plans to do things, people ALWAYS cancel and bail on me. No matter what, story of my life.

I just want to get out of here. I want to get out and far far away. I want to be happy, always. I want to do stuff. Something, anything! But what is there to do when you don't have a license, or a car, and aren't finished with school, and can't get a job to save your life?

Definition of pathetic. Me.

Doesn't matter if I am happy because I'm so delusionally "obsessed" or whatever people are saying about me now. It was nice, to be happy, after so many months of depression. I was content. And though the deluded happiness is not fading, the depression is returning. Both are trying to coexist inside of me.

I may just explode.

The only things I can rely on are fictional people and worlds, or people who barely know I exst and are too far away too hurt me.

I am not pleased by this. Sure, I'll feel better tomorrow. But really, I'll just have this SAME rant in like a week, or a month, or two. It never goes away. I always feel this way. Alone. Always alone. When I expect someone to understand, or to try and help me, and something...And then it backfires I just...It takes a toll on me.

I should not be crying. I should be happy. One month ago today I found happiness. Happiness, that I am sure, will never really be satisfied. That part will catch up with me soon.

Maybe I'll just delete this blog. It's not helping me, getting all this crap out. No one cares. I don't even care. It's not like I'm talking to someone and they are giving me feedback...It's just me...All alone, and this little box I'm typing into. What a wonderful relationship that is, I must say. Hmph.

I am going to listen to my Wizard Rock, watch my Lord of the Rings, and read Harry Potter, and maybe, just maybe I will feel better. It's sad, that I usually only find peace of mind when I run away from my own world, and hide in a different world that is not my own. So pathetic.

Pathetic.

Done.

People make me mad.

People judge to much.

People assume.

People do not know how I think.

People do not know what I feel.

People do not know what is right for me.

People do not know what is wrong for me.

People go out of their way to bring me down.

People try for the argument.

People annoy me.

How do I get away from these people, when everyone is like that, at one point or anyother! Sigh. I'm done. I'm just done. Whatever.

Holding on is easy. Letting go is hard.

I. DID. IT.

AHHHH!

I. LET. GO.

Oh holy crap!

I think....I think I let go. Feels like it. I'm smiling again. (of course, I've been smiling for over a month now, due to...someone. But yesterday the smile was gone. I got it back now. Due to letting go, and improvising. Hah!)

Okay, so I'm not THAT happy. But right this moment I feel SO much better. I ate something, that was important, and helped a ton. My headache is gone. I'm not lightheaded/dizzy anymore. I don't feel weak...In fact, I have an urge to get up and dance as I listen to Two Rebels...That may be because of a dream I had in which I danced with someone while they sang that song to me. It was, strange, but lovely. That was the same dream that he gave me something and said "It is mine to give to whom I will." Which totally made me think of Lord of the Rings, my favourtie movies. Because in Two Towers, Arwen says that to Aragorn when she gives him the evenstar. Ahhh. Anyways.

"And together we can run away, just YOU AND MEEEE!" Jeeze, this song is powerful for me.

Annnyways, short blog, again. I didn't get too far into Fellowship last night. I fell asleep before they even left the Shire! Before even Bilbo left! So now I'm going to try again, which means I'm getting offline soon. It's a looong movie. But it will only make me feel even better I bet.

Anyways...I'm glad he is happy now. That, at least, puts some measure of peace in me. For I was always fighting for his happiness and my own. I just didn't realize that it would entail two different roads. I don't know mine anymore. I feel like it's pointing in a specific direction, one in which I love, but...I don't want to make any promises to myself again.

I had my whole life scripted, but I'm tossing it to the side. Those words can't tell me nothing. Now I have to improvise. :) Siiigh.

Holding on is easy. Letting go is hard. <--- My best guy friend said that to me, the very first time I talked to him on the phone. I remember trying to argue with that statement, because at the time I was fighting, using all my strength to KEEP holding on. It felt hard. But he was right. That was the easiest thing...Holding on. Letting go was hard. One of the hardest things I am sure to ever experience in my entire life.

"But I know that in the end, I'll need some time to take the pen, and write a chapter on my ownnnn!"

-Brianna

I have to let go.

So I don't feel good. There are reasons behind that. It has nothing to do with my physical health, which is okay at the moment, but my emotions tend to screw with it from time to time...This is one of those times.

I was hoping to avoid this. But I can't.

I now much do the one thing I always swore I wouldn't.

My entire being rebels against it.

But I have to.

I have to let go.

...Going to go put on The Fellowship Of The Ring and try to sleep. Tomorrow will be really really unbelievably, unbearably long. But...I will get through it. Somehow.

Gooodnight.

"We had our whole lives scripted, but we tossed it to the side. Those words can't tell us nothing! Come on baby, let's improvise!" - Two Rebels by Honor Society.

It almost helps the headache...Almost. :]

-Brianna

In love?

Aye, Jack Sparrow!

Lol, watching Pirates of the Carribbean; At Worlds End. I remember one year for halloween I dressed as Will Turner and my bff was Jack Sparrow...Oh good times.

Buuuut anyways.

I am currently working on something for him at the moment. I realize not knowing when I will see him again is almost painful. But I know I WILL see him again, so it's not so bad. And the others too, I need to see them. Just to hear them first hand might be enough...Might. No, no I need to see him. More then that, I must feel him again. I've been craving his hug ever since the moment I last felt it.

I was talking to my brother last night about relationships, age difference, and love. And well, the age difference crap he wouldn't say anything about that wasn't absolute negativity. But he was talking about how people think they are in love all the time, and don't realize that they aren't. He said "When you are really truly in love you will know it. And every other time you thought you were would stand out so obvious that you think you're crazy for every having thought you were before. But when it's real, for real, you're going to know it." And so I thought about them. I've determined I love him. But am I in love? I don't want to say yes and I don't want to say no. First of all, how could I be? Honestly. Don't know him well enough, and only met him once. But it just feels so right. How can it not be? Jeeze. I don't know. But if I was in love, wouldn't I know? Wouldn't I know it without having to think about it? I think so. But I don't want to claim my feelings to be more then they are...And I don't want to claim them to be what they are, if that is what they are.

So I realize that I can't figure this out now. I need more to go on. I need to see him again, I need to feel him again before I can say with complete confidence "I am in love with him." or I can say "I love him, but that is it." I want to know. But when I think too much I lose reason and when I feel and only feel, I can't be certain. What I feel is strong, but....Is it that strong? I just...I don't know.

I should be afraid to love again. But I'm so thrilled to be feeling the way I do. I wonder how I haven't loved this man all my life.

Tonights blog = Short blog. Probably shortest blog since my very first post, because I haven't got much to talk about now and I've got plenty to do.

"Do you trust me enough, if we become two rebels?" - Two Rebels by Honor Society.

Sigh.

-Brianna

Promise

So it seems to me that people expect me to say different things to him then I do. Everyone thinks I pulled out the most originally annoying and lame question "Do you remember me?"
Honestly. Every single soul asks that question. And A. I'm not like the rest. And B. I don't want to be like the rest. Hah.

But asking for a specific something, and then having him hint that I may get it is a very lovely thing. But so so so much more lovelier then that is asking him to make a promise, and him doing so.

I asked him to make me a promise. And most people would think it was a stupid thing to ask for when it's sort of unspoken that it would be that way anyways, but I had to ask. It's just who I am. I wanted that promise, my happiness was banking on it.

Because I realized even if I am never 'with' him. Even if he never takes any interest in me. Even if I am chasing after this man for the rest of my life, never to be satisfied, I will still be happy, in just loving him. I love him, here and now. And he, well, he barely knows I exist, which is better then nothing, but still...Normally this would be a depressing thing. But even now, knowing I am nothing more then but one piece of an entity of people he loves, and probably will never be more then that, I am STILL happy. In loving him I am joyful. Just having him around, to see and hear, in that particular sense makes me beyond cheerful...And that's all I need. I want to be with him. I want him to know me. I want to know him. I want him to know me more then I want him to take immediate interest. I just want to be in his life, and have him in mine, whatever way possible. If it remains the way it is now, loved and admired guy always in the spotlight, and little lonely girl standing in the crowd, I will still be content, at least, for now. I wish, more then anything it was a friend to friend relationship. But that will have to wait for now.

I just know I need him, in my life, in some form. And he promised. I told him I needed that promise, that he will always do what he does. That he will never stop. I told him my happiness was banking on it. I told him he had to promise me. No "maybe" would do. I needed his word. And he gave it to me.

That right there meant so much. I teared up then, knowing my happiness was garunteed now. I don't have to fear losing it. I'm so happy now, and he doesn't love me. It doesn't hurt me, that he doesn't love me. I know the deeper I go into this, and the more time that passes, it may start to hurt me. But for now, I am happy. And I don't have to look over my shoulder for that depression and pain to sneak up on me. Because it won't! If it does come back, I think it would be more gradual. I don't think it will hit me spur of the moment.

When the first of my blackest days arrived back then...My other love, my first love...I found out that night that he was with her. As if that was not enough to crush my heart....That same night I lost my grandfather. The depression built off of more then one kind of loss. And I was never truly out of the dark after that night. I had good distractions. And my best guy friend, well he was wonderful. He brought me to the surface, he gave me some life again. But I was walking the line, always teetering, never happy enough, always still too sad.

But now...Well, I am out it seems. I haven't been so happy. I remember watching some movie a few nights ago, and the girl in the movie was talking about being in love with the same guy for 3 years, and he didn't feel the same...She went on about how those three years she was in love were the most depressing and terrible years of her life. It's not supposed to be like that! Love is supposed to make things bright and beautiful and enjoyable.

I'm not saying I wasn't happy loving my first love. He gave me so much...So so much. He gave me purpose. I was happy loving him. But the longer I was in love, the more pain I felt. The harder it got, the stronger it grew. Then the point came when I was no longer happy, but still in love. Painfully in love. I lost the happiness of it when he was in love with someone else. So maybe when the day comes that this guy falls for someone, maybe then, if I still love him, I will fall into darkness again. I want to say "I hope that doesn't happen." But I can't, because it would be a lie, in one way at least.

I learned my lesson before. I need to see those that I love happy. If they aren't happy, I have no reason to breathe. As long as they are happy, my heart will beat, no matter the torturous pain I go through for every beat. I learned that before. I needed him happy, and he was happy with her...And I survived, somehow. So if the time comes when he falls in love, and if he's happy with whomever she would be, I would probably fall into my darkness, but it would not kill me. Not if he was happy. My heart would be obliterated, but somehow it would still beat with the shine of his smile, so long as he was happy.

It's a lesson we all must learn I think. If you love someone, and yet can't be happy, to some degree, when they are happy, even if it's not with you, then you never truly loved them. I care more for his happiness then my own. It will, without a doubt cause me pain. But I can survive if my love is happy. If he's surviving.

The point is, I am happy. And that will not change any time soon, because he will be in my life. He will keep doing what he's doing. He will never stop. He promised me. And so I am content.

I know it's obvious to everyone. How I feel I mean, about him. And I know all of them think I'm in another phase. That I don't really love him the way I do. And to be truthful, if it was one of them coming back from meeting someone one time and saying they feel all this crap, I would have probably said "Yeah right, you meet once, and bam you're in love? I don't think so." Not that I am narrowminded or skeptical, but it does seem ridiculous. I do believe that one time is all it takes, but I never expected me to be the one in that situation. And so I am going to try not to let it bug me when people voice there opinions of my feelings as I am sure they will at some point or another. But I do love him. I can not deny it. It's crazy! It's only been 24 days! Jeeeze! That's like no time at all! I actually thought it was more, until I just counted. Lols. Wow. I honestly thought it was more then that. No wonder everyone thinks I'm crazy when I say I love him! Lol. Even I think I'm crazy for saying it!

It's true though. I don't know if I'm in love. It took me a LONG time to determine that with my first love. I didn't love him right away. It grew, gradually. But I was so in love with him. My scars haven't fully healed from him...When I see his eyes, his smile, hear his laugh...The laugh always gets me. My heart sort of throbs where the wounds have scabbed over...

I think maybe, when I see him again, I might be able to figure out how deep these feelings are running. And then to breath again! Oh man I can't wait. Though I feel like I sort of gulped the air through his comments to me. Not enough, just barely breaking the surface to let some air down my lungs before falling under the water again. Not enough to satisfy my need for air, but enough to keep me going, for now.

Ohhh on another note: I finished my gift for Whats-His-Face! I'm so excited. It's the best one I've done yet too! Which is good, because now I can make others and they will be good too, since I finally got the hang of it! :D

I also started my Besties birthday present the other night. I think I'll have to work on it every night to finish it in time. But I have over a month, and I might very well need it! Haha. But I'm excited about this gift for her, I really think she will like it. I hope anyways. Haha.

Okay, so, I'm going to take me and my lovely happy dancing singing butterflies up to bed soon. It's almost 4am! I was going to bed early lately, and waking up early. But it's hard to fall asleep when running on a high of talking to him, however briefly, through myspace comments. :)

"You're giving me great expectations, that love could happen again. It's so hard to be patient, when your breath is on my skin. You got me so high tonight, I don't ever wanna come down. No. Don't let these great expectations hit the ground." - Great Expectations by Honor Society.

<3>

-Brianna